If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.


If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. – Unknown

Twoo Wuv. I mean “True Love.” From the movie The Princess Bride.

What does that mean?
To me, this quote is speaking of the most fundamental rule of the universe. Love isn’t owned and cannot be taken. It can only be given. This quote talks about mutual love and of the only valid test. If you love someone, you have to give them the freedom to choose for itself.

The freedom to choose is important, as sometimes a love is out of duty, loyalty, fear (of loneliness or retaliation) or for some other reason. In each of these cases, the love (true love) is only in one direction, the other direction of love is tainted by the reason for the love (something other than true love).

By turning the other person loose, they if they come back, it is (one hopes) because they love you, and the feeling is mutual. If they don’t come back, you would only have been fighting a losing battle to hold on to them. That is a battle that you will eventually lose, so lose it early and get on with your life.

Why is love (true love) important?
Let’s start with some definitions, shall we? Love is defined at thefreedictionary.com as “A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities or a sense of underlying oneness.” and “An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or a treasured object.”

Another definition to consider is infatuation, which is defined as “A foolish, unreasoning or extravagant passion or attraction (synonym of love).” If we look at the second definition listed for love, and apply it to people instead of pets or objects, you can see how it would resemble infatuation.

To me, this is where I differentiate true love from common love. True love (you may use a different word) is between two people and is mutual in nature and based on the calling of the heart. Compare this with a relationship where one person has a form of love for the other, but it isn’t mutual. If you’ve ever experienced both kinds, you probably have a definite preference for what I call true love, right?

Where can I apply this in my life?
We all have relationships in our life. Some even rise to the level that makes it appropriate to use the word love. Whether it’s familial love, brotherly love, romantic love or whatever other label you may have, putting the word love in it, takes it to a whole new level.

How do you measure love, and what are the rules you expect love to use? What are the do’s and don’ts? Does everyone have the exact same list? Do you talk about where things stand often enough to notice that things are drifting apart, or is your first clue their last act of desperation?

An interesting description of what I consider true love, with proper motivation, can be found in the New Testament, 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-7 :

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Read the whole passage, and compare it to some of the people you love. How well does your love score by this measure? I try to keep track of my loves and keep track of how well I am doing. How often have you measured your love? It’s not something most of us do very often, if ever, right?

You may have a different way to measure love, and that’s fine. Just be sure that your partners in love know what your scale is, so that everyone is on the same page. My wife and I chose the Biblical passage above for our wedding, so we would know how to measure our behavior and our love.

Take some time to determine what your definition of love is and how it is to be measured. Then share it with the people you love and see if they agree. It might end in a lively discussion (or worse), but if that’s the case, that discussion will occur eventually, right? Do it now, before there are years of resentment built into it, and that way the hurt may be lessened and may be easier to heal.

This is probably the scariest of all the quotes I have tackled, from a practical standpoint. Who wants to take a chance at losing someone they love? But, as the quote says, if they don’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be. So by not taking that leap of faith and turning them lose, you may end up pouring a lot of time and effort into a relationship that is destined to fail. And that hurts a lot more. Trust me on that one.

From: Twitter, @Quotes_on_Love
confirmed at : http://www.quotes.net/quote/18405
The photo is scaled and referenced from the IMDb entry for “The Princess Bride” (1987) by MGM

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About philosiblog

I am a thinker, who is spending some time examining those short twitter quotes in greater detail on my blog.
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604 Responses to If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.

  1. jay jay says:

    But if you love someone why would you wanna set them free. What if they expect you to come back if you love them, and then wait for you to make the move to come back while you wait for them to come back too

    • philosiblog says:

      Well, if you just walk away, they will probably think you dumped them, so you have a point. Some communication regarding what you are doing is required.
      The point of the exercise is to differentiate mutual love from “clingy” love. If you’ve seen the Harry Potter series, think of the girl Lavender Brown who was smothering Ron Weasley in the Half Blood Prince (book & movie #6), you understand what I mean by “clingy” love. It is very one sided, right? If she had let him go for even a second, she’d have realized what kind of love she had, and that it would never last. While losing someone is rarely pleasant, it only becomes worse with time. Better (at least in my mind) to find out what you have earlier, rather than later.

  2. MEEE says:

    This is the best interpretation of this quote that I have ever read.. It’s not about letting go to see if he/she comes back, but instead give him/her space to figure out where they are. You can’t force love on someone; you can really only love him/her with the capacity that they love himself/herself. Meaning, if they don’t love themselves, they may not know how to love you back or even want to love you in the way you love them.

  3. Over Thought says:

    I really found out the true meaning of this quote, recently. I was in a situation in which a lover left me and found someone shortly after else. She wanted me as a friend (talk on the phone, get lunch, hang out, etc…), even after she was in this committed relationship. I can assume she has some leftover feelings for me, but I couldn’t be in that situation because of my feelings toward her. I told her we can’t be contacting each other, and that it’s best to completely let go. She won’t leave him for me, and I’ve accepted it. If it doesn’t work out with him and she comes back to me then I know her feelings for me would have never completely vanished.

    But there’s no guarantee that I will feel the same way, though.

  4. dione harris says:

    what if you are dating someone that is military. everything has been going good for the past nine
    months.then there is a situation that gets out of hand, something small from big. he talks to you crazy
    and yall go bk and forth and you get so sick of this situation that you get tired and walk away. you love
    this person but wont tolerate them talking to u crazy and talking something else from another
    situation and taking the action out on you. i left, will he come back?

    • philosiblog says:

      Technically, if you left him, so for the quote to have symmetry, you would have to go back to them. That said, it sounds like they have an issue or two to work out. Until that is resolved, ya gotta look out for #1. Keep yourself safe, keep yourself sane. It sounds like you have made the decision that they are not in an emotional place where you are willing to live, and that they need to change. Stay strong, and give them space and time to figure it out.

      There are a lot of people I have loved in my live. Some I still care for deeply. But they weren’t right for me. So they are history, and a set of (mostly) pleasant memories. Give it a little time, and see what develops. Who knows, they might come around. Then again, they might not. Time will tell. Best of luck to you, but keep track of your needs, not just theirs.

  5. Ms. Kay says:

    Thanks for sharing! I have recently came to the understanding of letting someone you love go and if it is meant to be it will come back to you. Sometimes for one to realize and appreciate what they have, you must give them their freedom to explore. Unfortunately, it took almost four years for our love to rekindle. We both have grown/matured during our separation. From my experience, I now understand how much communication is necessary in a relationship. I don’t regret that we separated for so long because now we seem to be a much happier couple and the relationship has been like no other, growing stronger everyday.

  6. Stanley Philips says:

    Philosiblog, I just ended a seven year relationship just by getting drunk and swearing at the woman I love so dearly. I told her to go suck his father’s D—! She was so upset, she packed up all her stuff, every trace of her in the house and left me two days ago. I know I swore unintentionally and I feel sot awful about what I said and I regret so much. I know she loves me too and she was shocked to hear this from the man she loves. I know she is hurt deeply and I hang me head in shame. Her father does not want me to come back to her. I dont know what to do. should I let her go or should I try to get her back?

    • philosiblog says:

      I would give her a little time. I presume you’ve already sent word to her that you are sorry. That’s about all you can do, besides try to woo her again (and she’ll have to get over being mad at you first). If, as you say, she loves you, she will come back eventually, provided the hurt heals. I wish you luck in your attempts.

      • Stanley Philips says:

        Thanks philosiblog. Yes I already apologised to her by text. Do you think I should apologise in person? I will give her some time. But being the extremely stubborn soul she is, she is never gonna heal at all. She texted me a day after she left saying she had found a new man and was ready to have his baby and all while she was still under my roof. I got so mad that I went over to her house and got into a fight with her and her brothers. Things got quite nasty there and I have left her be since then. But I did apologise to her after the little fight. Honestly talk about women and the statements they make with their actions. I will let her go and see if she comes back. But since I am the cause of the problem, should I go and get her back, or just wait for her to come to me?

      • philosiblog says:

        This is getting a little too specific to try to deal with long distance. I would recommend you make occasional overtures, but you’re going to have to determine where the line between too much and too little is. You might also want to recruit a mutual friend to monitor the situation and help you with feedback. I wish you the best of luck, but that’s about all the more I can do at this point.

      • Stanley Philips says:

        Philosiblog, I should also mention that my sudden burst of anger, agression and suspicion stems from the fact that I have been cheating on her for a while. Ever since I started see this other women, I have been abusing and mistreating the woman I love. Now she is away because of my abuse and violence towards her. I am sorry and I intend to apologise to her and confess to her for cheating. Any bright suggestions on how I should confess. Eg, is it ok to do it face to face or by a letter, the timing, the setting / enviroment etc. I just want to get this out and put is out the table for her to see and make up her final decision. Please help

      • philosiblog says:

        This is a bit more than I am competent to advise you. I would strongly suggest finding a professional from whom you can get advice. A relationship, anger management, and/or mental health expert would be the kind of person I would look for. You are going to have to get your own house in order before you can invite someone to stay with you. Does that make sense?

  7. myown says:

    Thanks so much for a site like dis,all de comments were heart touching and philosiblog,ur are just de best!

  8. Stanley Philips says:

    Thanks for spending your time responding to me. I really apreciate it. Making occasional overtures is something I was planning to do and you rightly pointed that out. I will inform you of any progressive outcomes in due course. kind regards. SP

  9. Mary Harris says:

    Philosiblog,

    My boyfriend and I just boke up because he was constanty late taking me out. I truly believe we both love each other, but I want him to treat me with respect. Showing up late means I’m last on his to-do-list He’s a great guy, but he can be irresponsible at times. The night I let him go, he was almost two hours late for our date. To make matter worse, he didn’t apologize for being late. We still went to dinner – I was angry. I tried to explan, it wasn’t that he was late, but failing to contact me to inform of being late – this is disrespectful. Driving back, we hardly said a word to each other. Mind you, we don’t live together. We get into the house and he turns around and walk out the door. I said, you’re walking out then take you things. He gave me the keys to my house and left. I asked not to walk away angry. He turned to me and said “I’m angry at myself, I make a mistake”. I just couldn’t continue allowing this kind of behavior in our relationship. I have tried to let him to the importance in communication. I hoping by letting go, he realizes why communication is the foundation of long and lasting relationships.

    • philosiblog says:

      I wish you all the best. But if that’s the way he will always be, perhaps it’s better to let go now rather than later. On the other hand, this may help him learn something about himself, and give him a reason to change.

      • CJ FOx says:

        I agree. Remember that when you are dating, you are (or should be) seeing the person at their best. This does not bode well for a serious relationship or marriage when a person starts to really be themselves. What you are seeing is a snapshot of your future together. Accept it or move on. He is who he is.

  10. Mo says:

    I dated someone for 4 months, the relationship wasn’t all that great but had potential to grow.. Due to how he behaved, I ended the relationship, but mostly bcos I had already met someone else but the new relationship didn’t even last a month. But I still didn’t go back to him.. Instead went on to be in another relationship, whilst in another new relationship, about 10 months later after we had broken up, he tried to come back, but I was on cloud 9 bcos this new relationship, I dismissed him.. Was in my relationship for quite a while almost a year, then eventually the new relationship ended as well. Then our of the blue, yet another 10 months later again, he came back again and he wants us to reconcile and start over.. And that’s when I thought of this quote, that if you love someone set them free and if they come back, they were yours and if not, then it wasn’t meant to be.. He cane back, he came back and asked him why, and he told me that I made a mark in his life in short space of time and he could never forget me no matter how hard he tried.. I was shocked to hear that and now I’m ready to take him back.. So I guess this can only mean we are meant to be together forever.. It’s fate!

    • philosiblog says:

      I’m glad to hear that the quote has meaning for you. I presume that he as changed the behaviors that caused the first time to end, right? The relationship has to work for both people, or it isn’t a relationship.

      I wish all the best for the two of you, but for it to work, both of you will have to want it, and both of you will have to work at it. Keep the lines of communication open, and don’t be afraid to talk about anything that bugs you (just be careful *where* you are when you’re talking).

  11. LC says:

    This article is exactly what I was looking for. I just had to let my best friend go because I feel that she was taking me for granted. We have been good friends for a year and actually started out dating first but I was not interested in her in a romantic sense because I felt that she was immature. Anyway, over the past year we have both grown a lot and I fell in love with her about a week ago. We have been taking things slow but last night, we were out with mutual friends and they wanted to go to a party that I couldn’t attend so she ended up leaving me at the restaurant to go to this party with one of our friends who does not treat her very well. I felt very betrayed because she left me, her best friend that has always been there for her, never judged or talked behind her back or lied to her, to hang out with a friend who treats her like dirt. She is so busy trying to seek approval from someone that doesn’t give a shit about her that she can’t see what is right in front of her. ME, the friend who she says understands and loves her the most. She has texted me 5 or 6 times but I haven’t responded because she needs to realize what she had and I need to move on and realize that it is pointless being in love with someone who does not love themselves because she will never be able to love me back until she does.

    • Hunter S says:

      Your situation sounds similar to mine, despite you sounding more mature about the situation and controlled with your passion…… My girlfriend of almost 6 months just left me because she said she wasn’t happy and thought the spark had died out. Given I wasn’t completely satisfied with the relationship either, I should be fine with this- but whether it’s from being the one dumped, or simply having so much love for her, I am crushed and struggling with the next step. I too didn’t feel appreciated when we were together, especially in social settings, but when we would plan out dates or on special occasions, we have very romantic and intimate nights (laughter/smiles included). We are both undergrad students and were friends for a year before getting in a relationship, and I feel that the stress from our schedules and goals gets in the way of our bond. I want us to support each other and not be so high strung all the time but I feel like we just didn’t communicate enough.

      Regardless, she obviously didn’t feel enough reason to try and work out our kinks or believe that we that we could, and left me 5 days ago. I say left because she added she just needed time, but I can only assume she meant that we were done. (But maybe she just needs to clear her head) I didn’t make a stand for our relationship because I was shocked and felt betrayed that she was just throwing everything away… but i’m starting to believe I need to move on. I honestly believe this is my first real love, and even though I know I deserve better, I think we could work it out if she came back. At this point I want to let her be and hope that she comes back, but I don’t know if I should interrupt the no contact situation to make it clear why I’m not fighting to get her back right now… she’s headstrong and I’m afraid she’s waiting for me to go get her. Please help

      • Hunter S says:

        i’ll note that she asked me to promise her that we would still be friends/close, at which I couldn’t answer and denied. We’re both very busy and focused on school/extracurricular activities and don’t always have time to hangout, and I feel like she wants more attention. She knows I love her, but the past month I could tell she was fading away and wasn’t as interested in me. — open to all responses from any who cares

      • philosiblog says:

        I would suggest open communication. Let her know what your feelings are, and that you understand life is busy. If you are reluctant to approach her directly, perhaps you know someone who can pass a message to her for you. There are always options.

        If you are expecting, or at least hoping, for open and honest communication from her, you may have to lead the way. You won’t know until you talk with her.

        This may well be a rough few weeks (or months) for you. Stay strong, and work on yourself and your school-work. Only time will tell, but it sounds like she needs some time and space, and you need to study. 8)

        My thoughts and hopes are with you and your relationship. Your studies, well they are all up to you, aren’t they?

  12. SM says:

    I was with a woman for 2 years. I had 2 kids from a previous marriage (my wife died) and she has a son out of wedlock. We love each, we were inseparable you may. We didn’t live together but we were very close, i help her financially and to raise her son, etc. We talked about getting married and were just waiting for her parent to come back from overseas. Last year, one day (about 4 months before her parent comes back) she told me she want to break up with me. Nothing was wrong, we weren’t fighting in fact she told me everyday she loves me up to the day she broke up with me. I ask her why and first she lied and told me she just want to be alone, etc then later told me cos the boy father came and apologies and want to come back and she want to give him a chance because of their son. She doesn’t want the boy to grow up like her as she doesn’t even know who her father is. I was so hurt, still hurts to this day. After standing by her and help her, etc she make a choice that seems so illogical. She chose the person that hurts and humiliate her over me. She told me, she loves me but she want to make sacrifice for her son. She said she doesn’t trust him because he cheated on her before but she want to take a risk for their son sake. I understand this in my mind but my heart don’t get it. They married this year but we are still talking because we work together. They have problems because she said she missed me sometimes. For a time I was angry with both of them and want to beat up the guy, etc. I ask her sometimes to come back but she said she make up her mind to stick with her choice. From what she told me, he is overly protective of her. Not allow her to go anywhere. Now she’s happier, she told me she like her family now, etc. Before she use to tell me that she still loves and care about me but as time goes by I don’t think she loves me anymore.

    In all this I love her and still want her to come back. The thought of setting her free hurts. I thought she was the love of my life. The circumstances of us meeting, I thought fate brought us together. When we were together we were crazy about each other, etc. Yet she walks. Now, I can’t be with anyone because I still loves her. I been with others after her but it’s never the same. I saw something in her that I want. Do you think she will ever come back? Do you think, I should wait for her and hope she comes back? Why hurts so much to set her free. In my heart, i felt she will come back, yet looking at her life (she’s happy with him now) I’m not sure. Is my heart right or is being deceived. Is that a normal feelings. I never felt this way before. I have been married to my wife for 12 years and she was my first girlfriend after my wife died.

    I tried so many times not to talk to her, etc but we always end up talking. Either I would call her or she call me and say she want to check up on me. Is this good or should I perhaps go look for another job? My life is a mess because of this and she knows it and say sorry all the time but she want to stay with him. Do you think their love is the real love and I’m just interfering? Perhaps this article is about them? She let him go and now comes back and I’m unfortunate enough to be in the middle of it?

    My mind wants to let go but my heart doesn’t. Does it get any worse than this?

    • philosiblog says:

      Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like she made up her mind. It appears to me that you have three choices, try to wreck their marriage, sit where you are and be miserable, or move on with your life.

      To me, that was the point of the quote. You cannot control the other person. It’s kind of like pulling off a bandage. Do you go slowly, and agonize over every hair it pulls out, or do you just rip it off, muffle the scream, and move on? It’s your life, and your choice. But it appears that she has made her choice. She didn’t come back. The next move is up to you.

  13. Romeo says:

    Philosoblog,

    I appreciate the interpretation and couldn’t agree more. My girlfriend and i of three years broke up in late July where the feeling was mutual to take some time and figure things out. We talked once or twice a week through the months. In the beginning months of the breakup, she was the one wanting me back while I was still working on myself. Since then, I have made some changes that would fix a lot of things going on in our past relationship. However, three months later, she wants space. The past two weeks I have texted with my feelings for her, but feel I have driven her away. She claims she wants to keep in touch once or twice a week, but I feel like I just look forward to the day I can speak with her only to receive a standoffish reply that gets me more upset. I am considering just letting her go and no longer contacting her “the no contact rule” so I do not harm the space she requests. It is a frightening approach, because we used to have so much love for each other. I hope you can give me some advice as she is worth me going through a tough time as in letting her go in hopes she returns. I can tell she still feels for me but is afraid for me to relinquish my feelings once again since that harms the space she is now requesting. I’m just looking for some peace of mind and really want her to choose to love me again rather than stay in the background hoping for my cue again. Thank you for everything you share.

    • philosiblog says:

      The only advice I can give is what the quote itself states. If she isn’t ready, pursuing her will only drive her away. If, in the end, she returns, you have her back. In the mean time, keep working on yourself, and try to enjoy life. Your choices are threefold, as I see it. You can pursue her against her wishes. You can wait and pine for her, doing little until she either returns to you or crushes your spirit. You can get on with your life and try to adjust to life without her.
      While the last of the options appears the hardest, it is the path you must eventually take, if she decides to not come back. The more time you waste pining for her, the more of your life slips by. If you aren’t ready to start dating again, that’s fine, but don’t sit by the phone all weekend, just in case she calls, right? You must chose your own path, but I recommend you try to keep your head together, give her some space, and work on your own life. Either she will come back or she won’t. But you can’t make that choice for her.

  14. Sean Ledingham says:

    My wife and have split up but we live in the same house due to financial reasons. We also have children. Over the last 2 months I have become someone she does not even know. She has been drawn closer to another man she works with and said she does not know what they are but she said she can never be with me again as I have pushed too far. All she asks of me is to talk to her in the house and smile once in a while. I have changed so much that I pushed her to someone else and I am now realizing that I need to work on me and become the person she fell madly in love with 8 years ago. I made her feel like I did not love her over the past 4 years and she finally had enough as she felt she was holding us together. Now I think its too it’s too late but I realize how much I love her and want her in my life. I have let go and pray that whatever happens she can just be happy. I do do hope she may come back and I guess the upside is if I work on me she will see the change and if its meant to be, I will one day have her back in my arms.

    • philosiblog says:

      Sorry to hear about the present condition of your relationship. However, you seem to have realized that you have changed, and grown apart from her. You also seem to have an idea about what changes you need to make to help things better. I hope you have let her know this, and that you are willing to work on yourself. You might want to share with her your thoughts on what needs the most change, and where you are trying to get yourself. See if she agrees, or if she has a greater objection to some other issues. I would refrain from placing any expectation on her that if you change, she has to come back. As you mentioned, you will have to win her back. It probably won’t be easy, and you may want to enlist professional help (for you changing you, and (if she is willing) a marriage/relationship counselor). I wish you all the best, but it will be up to you to make it happen. Use your deepest, warmest feelings for her as your motivation when things seem the bleakest. It may help you stay on course.

  15. Mike S says:

    Great blog and interpretation. Keep up the good work

  16. KLAUDIA says:

    Ahh I got a problem. My boyfriend lost his feelings Towards me :/. He liked me for a year.. I always used to ignore him but finally decided to give a try. Since July we have een together.. But nowadays he doesn’t talk to me properly as we used to.. 😦 he broke up with me few days ago saying that is all because of his parents I was begging him to stay with me *which was a mistake I think* and then finally he told me it’s cuz he doesn’t have any feelings Towards me.. Instead of begging him I just left him after he said it.. Then I texted him saying I can’t live without him and all that kind of bullshit * I’m so stupid :(* and then he replied he wants to try again.. Yesterday we weren’t talking properly cuz he wasn’t paying attention.. Ah i really like him now but he said it himself he lost his feeling Towards me.. Should I let him go? 😦

    • philosiblog says:

      It doesn’t look like you have much of a choice, given your description of events. For a relationship to exist, both must want it. It appears he no longer does. You can hang on, but it looks like eventually you will have to let go. Do you want to let go now, or in another month, or in six months, or in a year? When do you want to get back to living your life?

      • If I let go will he come back? Should I show that I don’t care? Etc? I really want him 😦

      • philosiblog says:

        You cannot change someone else. If you manipulate him into coming back, do you really have him? How much work will it be to constantly manipulate him in order to keep him? It sounds like too much work to me. I’d put that effort into becoming a better person. You’ll attract a better kind of person that way. Who knows, you might impress him. But do it for you.

      • I let him go yesterday.. I’m just asking.. Do you think he will come back? If I show that I don’t care? Yetsersay after we broke up he messaged me and spoke to me I wasn’t payin attention I was kind of ignoring him and then afterwards he put a sad face on his status does it mean anything? Please help me cuz I realized you are the best at it. 🙂

      • philosiblog says:

        I thank you for the compliment, but I do doubt that I am the best at much of anything. There are so many other people out there… The only “best” that I can honestly say I am is that I am the best at being me.

        Again, I would stay away from the theatrics, the feigned indifference, and the emotional (or psychological) manipulation. Besides giving you a bad reputation as a manipulative you-know-what, it’s a lot of effort, both short term and long term. I’d put that effort into becoming a better person.

        That said, if you are still interested, sit down with him, face to face. Explain honestly what you want, and what you hope to get from him. If he is willing, you’ve got a chance. If he’s not, then you know it’s over. It’s a big step, but whether you know it or not, the decision has been made. Eventually the truth will be so obvious that you will see it. I believe it’s better to know sooner, so you can get on with your life, either with him or without him.

        And, like the guy on TV says, “Your mileage may vary.” It’s your life, and you are the one who will have to live with the consequences.

  17. Rose says:

    Totally going through this right now. Me and my boyfriend of three and a half years let each other go mutually, in order for us both to grow (we’re only 19) We are still friends and still feel like we’re meant to be together. It’s only a matter of time before we both get back together. But if not, it wasn’t meant to be.

    • philosiblog says:

      Yep, that’s pretty much the quote in action. Some people seem to understand it, others are too attached to understand it, although in time, they too will come to understand.

  18. dee says:

    well..it seems to me, that it is only speaking from one side. if,i push a man that i care for away, with the intent of letting him go, then he re emerges,only to do the same to me, then it is a constant affirmation of love but it is also extremely painful to endure for both parties.the instability of this “test” i think leads to a lot of depression and stress,but it also shows that love,true love, is WORK.it takes work,heartache,headaches, risk of loss and risk of failure in order to learn the opinions and thoughts of the other person in this tug of war we call love.

    • philosiblog says:

      Yes indeed. I agree with both the risk, the pain, and the effort involved. Note that I don’t recommend pushing someone away just to test them. My recommendation is to not stop them if they are committed to leaving. Yes, give it a shot to keep them with you, but don’t go overboard. If they insist, let go. If they come back, they were yours all along. If not, they were going away eventually. I believe it’s better to know sooner rather than later.

      • dee says:

        but i speak in generality not in personal experience. However i believe this “test of true love” to be flawed. If one person pushes another away, then the other does the same, then what we have is a never ending battle of “prove you love me by coming back to me.”

        I believe that real true love is the act of fighting for what you love. of course i dont mean “fighting “in the literal sense,but fighting in that you struggle to communicate and to understand your partner. you speak to them and listen to what they are saying,trust the words they say as being spoken from the heart,mind and not just depend on your own thoughts or feelings to assign them their beliefs. the attempt to understand and trust another human being is, i believe,the hardest work one will ever have to put in. to try and erase the fear of heartbreak and pain is difficult. but to no longer fear something, you must understand it. and so many people will fear the one they claim to love.trust in them,trust in yourself and trust in the words and actions that your partner demonstrates, “fighting” for love via means of understanding,communicating, trusting and loving that other person,and not being unfaithful when times get difficult,now, THAT is the true measure of love.Letting something go,means that you never loved it to begin with. to give up fighting for it means it never was something worth fighting for. if you work hard at it and you fight for it then you deserve to have it. if not, then letting it go is the only option. that is allowed.

      • philosiblog says:

        Again, I do not believe in pushing them away as a test. Yes, I believe you should fight for them (in the metaphorical sense). But don’t trap them, trick them, or manipulate them. They are not yours to keep.

        I believe you are spot-on with the discussion of communication. Without good communication, every relationship is doomed.

        One caveat in your discussion – you presume the other person is both trustworthy and in love with you. If either premise is false, it’s time to let them go, right?

    • Crazy love says:

      My boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me 2 days ago. He told me that I have trust issues and he’s tired of it. I really don’t want to walk away from this relationship I love him so much. He told me he wanted time to think and said I could call him to say hi, but not discuss us. Last night as I was preparing for thanksgiving I took a couple of shots and decided to call him. He told me that we were done for now and that our relationship is on hold and that he believes I’ll be happier without him. He says that’s how he feels now and doesn’t want to be with me.

      I told him we should see each other face to face as we broke up on the phone bc we now live 2 hours away. He said he had no problem with that. Before I hung up I told him that I loved him and he said he loved me too.

      I admit my own insecurities even though I trusted him I questioned him here and there. We’ve talked about getting married next summer and now I ruined it all. I’m so devastated I can’t live my life without him.

      What should I do ? He agreed to come down next week. What do I do or say to keep him?

      • philosiblog says:

        The first thing you must realize is that you cannot keep him. Unless he wants to be with you, he won’t. If you do something to ‘keep him’ today, you only postpone the inevitable. You will spend the rest of your relationship fighting, twisting, and manipulating to keep him. That you also have trust issues will only make the whole thing more difficult. That said, your comment on the date on the object in your other message seems to indicate he might not be as trustworthy as you deserve.

        I would recommend you take some time this weekend and consider what you have to do, what you have to believe, what you have to become to be the person who can have a stable and mature relationship. Probably not the words you wanted to hear, but I believe, based on your comments, that it is the conclusion you will eventually reach. I’m just trying to save you a few months or years of heartache. My advice is free, and worth every penny. You are the only one who can make decisions for yourself, and you are the one who will bear the consequences of your actions, not me.

        Life isn’t always easy, but there are ways to make it harder. Trying to force someone else to have certain feelings is one way to make it harder. Take a deep breath, and look at the beginning of your new life.

      • Crazy love says:

        Thank you so much this is probably the most honest and best response I’ve received.

  19. soosh says:

    This is a funny quote.
    When my ex boyfriend said that i deserve better, and he will never be able to give me what i need (although i thought the world of him and loved him with all my heart and was grateful for having such a lovely man in my life) and he is not ready to commit and i let him go, when he came back, he was upset that i let him go ‘too easily and i should have fought for him’. I started laughing and I said ‘look, you wouldn’t have liked that. It was hard for me to let you go, but i respected your decision. If this is what you want. this is what you want- i am not supposed to convince anybody to stay with me- i deserve better’.
    We got back together, some other beautiful months together down the line. Thought we were going to be together FOREVER, based on this quote. But guess what? We broke up again and I heard the same thing. ‘ You’re too good for me’. The same story.
    But this time i believed it. He was right. I am too good for him, for the simple reason that i don’t mess around with people’s hearts. You don’t come and go. You’re gone, then don’t text me at 3 a.m saying that you miss me. You stay, you stay with all your heart.
    He raised the score. If he wants to come back, to gain my trust again, to be able to feel safe next to him, it will take a hell of a lot more than a’ oh how sad i am without you’. If he doesn’t come back, he did me a favor.
    I know it sounds harsh and i love him so so much, he is my first love and it hurts like hell, but i deserve to be happy, not trashed around because of somebody’s comittement issues.

    Plus……..if i reject somebody, i would rather die than go back to them. I would rather know that i will be single and surrounded by cats for the rest of my life than going back to the person i once didn’t want ( no matter the reason). And then…………if you reject me…..it’s my rules and my game if i decide you’re worth the hassle to get you back.
    And don’t guarantee that I will be waiting an eternity, for you to finish whoring around and to decide that you didn’t find somebody better, like you would have hoped, and to come back to me.

    • philosiblog says:

      Wow, that’s quite a story. I hope you said all these things to him, not just to me. 8)
      You are right, it is your life, and you must do what is right for you, just as others must do the same. When things work out, it’s great, but if not, I believe it’s best to find out sooner, rather than later.
      Best of luck to you.

  20. Patricia says:

    HI, I am having a hard time letting go my ex boyfriend. it is quite a story. We met 10 years ago through mutual friends, but we have lived all these 10 years in different countries. In these past 10 years we had met sometimes when we went to Peru (that is we both are from) for the holidays. There was always chemistry between us, but we could never made it developed because we were both married (but did not love our husband/wife anymore). Finally we met last year and we both were single (he has 2 kids I have 1). So this time the chemistry flowed and it was even better than we thought it would be. We still lived in different countries, so in the last year we were traveling back and forth (5 times total) and communicating through the phone and webcam, everyday). Everything was perfect but I got pregnant and since it was unexpected everything became crazy, love was still there, but the situation was difficult. We finally decided to move to Peru together. The change was gonna be hard, especially for him, because he was gonna live (at least for awhile) his 2 kids to go to Peru. But we were deep inside very exciting about the idea of finally being together…….Then I lost the baby, he came to see me for 2 weeks when that happen, and even it was hard because of our baby loss, we still were so in love and had a good time. it was so hard for me not only because of the loss, but he said that the Peru plan does not go anymore, that he cannot leave his kids and that he is not ready to live with anyone yet, he wanted to cool things down a little to give it more time to our relationship, which I understood and agreed. Right a month after we lost our baby he started doing things to pissed me off , he kind of tested my trust for him, which for me was hard, because he has a LONG cheating history with his ex wife (he even kissed me once in Peru when he was still married, I was not, but I rejected him). I don’t understand why he was doing these things to irritate me (adding as friends ex recent lovers of him on fb..when I just told him I dont think that is right. Changing his status from being in a relationship to single without letting me know, etc) he started doing this a day after he told me that we should spend some months together in Peru and see how things go and if it works out, we will be moving together to England. I did not like him testing me, especially in a day were a was so sad because of our baby loss. So I broke up with him. He said that it was the best to break up and he would be there if I need to talk about the baby. For 3 months I was trying to move on and let him go, it was so hard, because we would always find and excuse to communicate to eachother, I was so sad and depressed, and in the last month we were communicating a lot and flirting, and even made plans to travel together (as friends) and to see eachother again during this holidays in Peru, he even invited me to go to his friend’s wedding, etc. We got so happy about it, but I got so scared and told him that I dont want to make plans with him anymore, because after Peru he was gonna leave and it was gonna be “cool” for him, but I was gonna be so depressed again, and basically that if he does not to want a serious relationship with me (basically at least give it a try by living together), then I don’t want to see him again. He agreed to not see eachother again, but never told me anything about the “trying” part. Maybe that means he was just playing with me, even though he says that he still have strong feelings for me and he was also scared to see me again in Peru and fall in love again. I don’t know what to do, I don’t feel like dating anyone else, I am so sad, because deep inside me I still have hope of being together again. Please help.

    • philosiblog says:

      Wow. That’s a lot of history. However, I think you mentioned your key in a relationship, and that he didn’t have it. Trust. Can you ever be completely happy if you cannot trust him? If you cannot trust him, you know eventually you will have to break up with him. Would it be more painful to do it now, or do it later? While saying later avoids pain now, I imagine the pain will be greater after you have invested even more time with him.

      I can’t tell you what is right for you, but I would recommend taking some time with him and explaining what you require in a relationship, and what your concerns are about his ability to live up to your expectations. If you believe his answers, and can make suitable arrangements, then it might be worth doing. If not, you don’t have a relationship, but an emotional time bomb, waiting to explode. Ultimately, you will have to make the decision. I wish you luck.

  21. Pingback: Straight Lines, Sting: Letting Go | brucelarochelle

  22. dimple says:

    Hello philosiblog I am currently in a situation where I have to choose between my marriage or divorce I ve been married for several years. Due to financial situation my has to travel abroad nd we spent like 8 years without seeing each other. After that he finally comes back 3 years ago. He is now telling me he ll be going back because our situation hasn’t change . He has asked me to wait for him if I can’t we should then divorce I still love him that I am so afraid of letting him go and at the same time I don’t think I should wait for him again. Can u pls give me any advice on what to do. Thank you.

    • philosiblog says:

      This is a personal situation that you will have to work out.

      I would start by making sure there are no other options. Can you go with? Are there other arrangements that can be made? How often can you see each-other?

      How much of a relationship is left after the first time? How much will be left after this round? Will you be preserving a marriage only to divorce after he returns?

      How good is your communication? Do you speak freely with each-other, or is that strained as well? An open discussion of these points would probably be the best thing you could do for your relationship.

      That wasn’t an easy answer, more like a homework assignment. However, it is your life, not mine. I cannot decide for you, only offer my suggestions for you to consider.

      • dimple says:

        I really appreciate your suggestions. Yeah I really have to do some home work, but u ve provided me with the the necessary tools to guide me. As u ve pointed we have a communication problem where I can’t express my real feeling he usually regard my suggestions as silly or not good enough and I cannot ask questions. I ll do my best nd see where it takes us. Thanks a lot.

  23. canaleebergstresser says:

    That was one of the best interpretations of that quote i’ve heard ever since I stumbled upon it a while back. Philosiblog, I need some advice. My situation right now is pretty complicated but here’s the short story. I got caught up in a lie that I told to my boyfriend a while back. It was pretty serious and his parents contacted mine and the whole thing fell apart. But through it all, he still found the grace and forgiveness and still wants to be my friend and hopefully in the future something more. I told him that right now we should let go and move on with our lives. But being away from him and not talking just makes me absolutely miserable and i know he’s suffering through it too. I know his parents don’t like me anymore and want him to continue on with his life and to keep his focus on their plan for him and to forget about me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been praying for forgiveness and guidance but I thought maybe you could help.

    • philosiblog says:

      Not knowing you or your exact situation, I can only say what I would do. I would reach out to him and explain where you are. Leave it open for him to respond. If you show up all needy and whiny, you could be seen as attempting to manipulate him.

      It sounds like you may need to talk with your parents as well. I believe without their support at home, you will find moving forward to be much more difficult. You will also have to make peace with yourself, as continuing to beat yourself up over a past mistake isn’t going to help you move forward. Learn from it, and demonstrate that you have learned, that is the best thing I can advise you to do.

      Next, presuming that things went as well as you imply and that he wants to have some level of relationship with you, the next task I would set after is mending fences with his parents. That probably won’t be as simple as asking for their forgiveness. You will have to demonstrate that you are not the person they believe you to be. How you do that will depend on exactly how you screwed up, and what they actually think of you.

      Your friend might be able to give you insight into what they believe about you, but it will still be your job to correct their perception. If you try to get him actively involved, I fear you will drive a greater wedge between you and his parents. You don’t want to be cast in the part of the evil, manipulative girlfriend.

      It will not be an easy task, but it is one that must be completed if you are to get what you believe you desire. I wish for you all the strength you can muster, and the dedication that it will take to complete this task. But ultimately, it will be a test of your will. Are you ready for the job? Are you willing to see it through? Again, you will have to answer those questions.

      • Rob says:

        Very good explanation and insight on this quote at the top, and I agree it’s the only valid test of true love. I experienced this recently on a break up.
        In practical terms, I would as a man add that if you truly love someone, make sure you show it in ways that she appreciates before its too late, and it gets to the point where this test occurs, and fails. Showing a woman your love, respect and appreciation endears them and there emotional response to you all the way along. You can’t afford not to.

      • philosiblog says:

        Yep. Communication that THEY understand and appreciate is critical to developing and maintaining a relationship.
        Thanks for the comment, glad you liked the post.

  24. Meg says:

    Philosiblog..
    I’m in love with this guy, but my parents will not accept him, it hurts him and I and because they won’t accept him he think it’s best to have nothing to do with me and for me to move on.. But I can’t move on, I know that he is good for me and I need him as he makes me really happy when we are together.. And why should he be the one with the say to tell me to move on, why can’t I have a say.. I suppose i have just got to wait and say if he will come back to me ? Please help 😦

    • philosiblog says:

      If I understood your comment, you have two issues. The first (and lesser) is that your parents don’t like him. The second (and more important) is that he apparently is telling you to move on. To have a relationship, you need both parties to be interested. If he is telling you to go, then there is only one person interested in the relationship. That isn’t going to work out, at least not according to my experiences. It sounds like there is nothing you can do but accept what he says, and move on.

  25. Jeff says:

    Great definition of true love. Really puts everything in perspective. Ive got one for you, it’s driving me up the wall. I met this girl in 2010 through my good friend. She lived in a different state than me (about 2000 miles). So we talked and everything for a few months. We physically met after 4 months of talking at her grandparents. We spent the entire day/night together and the next night. She went back home and we continued distance. She came back 12 months later and stayed with me for 4 days. She left and I stayed with her for 2 weeks a month later. Since then everything’s went downhill. We talked about kids and marraige and everything. She cried when I went home and everything. She got really busy with school and work during the summer and we didnt talk very much at all. She got mad at me for not texting her much, I stopped because she always said she was busy or didn’t reply. So after she said that I started talking more with no responses. She then said we should wait to be together when she moved here in two years. She also said she wanted to see other people because she wasn’t happy with distance. I waited three weeks and tried again. Nothing. Talked to her friend and she said she was living with her new bf. She finally responded to me today and didn’t say anything about a new bf or living with one. She just said that I should move on and basically we wouldnt ever be together again and that she couldn’t talk because it’s complicated. I don’t know what went wrong or anything. I know she still loves me. She always said that I was the one and nothing would change that. I need some input. I’m lost…

    • philosiblog says:

      From what you have said here, there certainly seemed to be a great deal of interest on her part, at least at first. Perhaps the ‘shiny’ wore off, or something else caught her eye.

      Communication always seems to show up in relationship problems. This seems to be a part of what happened with the two of you. Whether it is salvageable, I don’t know. It sounds like, based on what her friend said, it’s over. That said, it sounds like you’re still fairly young, and she might do a little more dating and then come back to you.

      The first thing I would try to do is get the communication going again. Ask her point blank where you screwed up. A blunt question which puts the blame on yourself may just get her to open up, and start the conversation. I would caution about sounding desperate or clingy. That has not shown much usefulness in my experience, and usually is counterproductive. Lay out your position, your desires, and your goals, and ask her where hers differ. It might just come down to being lonely for months at a time. Who knows. Only way to find out is to ask.

      If you do establish at least a communication channel, then ask how to not screw up in the future. Ask her for her rules. How often are you supposed to call, text, or e-mail? Everyone has their own expectations. Unfortunately, most people also assume that you know and respect their expectations, even though they have never told you what they are. Find out, and keep checking on your status (without sounding desperate). Good luck!

      • Jeff says:

        Good advice. I am fairly young, 25 she is now 20. I met her when she was 19. That’s one thing I was concerned with because she’s so young. I just emailed her basically saying that I won’t bother her anymore and that I’ll always want her again and what we always talked about. I also said that I don’t know what happened and that she doesnt have to respond to the email. You may be right about the “shiny” wearing off by not seeing each other often or at all for that matter. I know for a fact she still has feelings for me. I just don’t know if she really knows what she wants or anything. It just doesn’t make sense at all because we were so perfect and happy until I came back home and time passed on and we grew apart. I do think that eventually, maybe in years to come if I contact her again maybe things will rekindle. I’m not usually this attached to a single girl but since ive had a lot of different gfs and have had no luck, she seemed like a needle in a haystack and I dont want to lose someone that special. I may never did someone that means that much to me again or have that good of a connection with. I really could see me spending my life with her and never have the thought to cheat or leave her. So should I just wait a little while and send the message you said to send?

      • philosiblog says:

        It looks like you have taken some time to examine your life and the relationship. As for an answer to the final question you ask, I imagine you already know the answer to it. There comes a point where the line between advising and meddling is crossed, and I think you are best equipped to make that decision.

        Something I would like to mention is that not every close friend has to be a romantic interest. I have several friends from high school I still keep in touch with, and many of them are simply close friends. Perhaps that is all this will ever be. However, I would celebrate a close friend, not mourn the loss of a lover. As always, your mileage may vary. 8)

        I wish you the best of luck. Life isn’t always easy, and it’s rarely fair, but that doesn’t mean we don’t give it our all, right?

  26. Chinedu says:

    Hi gud moi. Pls i need help ugently, am in love with a girl, she knws very wel that i love her, we have ben seeing each other 4 ova a year nw bt she have nt for 1day told me she loves me, each time i raise d issue of love, she says she dont fancy love and wants us to be friends. I told her that i dont want to be just friends and she said shes nt interested in love stuf and i askd why, she said because we live in the same street. Each time we are together, she allows me to touch her, hold her waste, atimes i kis her cheek bt her mouth she says no. Since we started, it was only twice that she hugd me so tight. We have had many mis undastanding in which i used so many harsh words on her, i told her shes a player and i called her so many names and she deleted me 4rm her list where we use to chat online, i lata apologizd and afta few days she 4gave me and added me back. Yesterday i asked her who am i to her and she said i shuld nt askd her, i insisted and she said she wil tel me online, wen i opened my inbox, i saw her msg and she told me she cant love me and that shes engaged to sum1, my hrt was broken, i cried and decidd to let go of her bt up til nw, my heart wants her d more pls advice me.

  27. kpaige15 says:

    A man who wanted me for an entire year never gave up on me I wouldn’t give him a chance for the fact that he was 29 and I was 19 at the time. I was never interested in him until we spent time together and I really got to know him. I realized he was the only man who would treat me right. We ended up dating for 7 months we have a few arguments but nothing ever that serious and we always apologized after and moved on. We were the happiest couple ever, before getting into this relationship I made sure to ask that since I was so young I did not want him to realize that I was not want he would want anymore and he would want to start a family and move on because I can’t give him that until I graduate from college in 2 years. Come november I told him he was one of the reasons why I did not go away for school and it’s been on his mind sense then. 3 days before christmas he decided to let me go because he thought he was holding me back in life and he was ready to move out of his parents house and move on with life and he did not want to drag me down with him to do something I did not want to do but I wasn’t ready to do. I would have no problem moving in with him but I can’t give him children yet. He is not talking to anyone else or even have anyone in mind he loves me a lot and he even said his self he doesn’t think were what’s best for each other but he does not think he can let go. I just turned 20 a few days ago & he will be 30 in January. Why not just wait 2 more years for me? I did not reach out to him after this because I wanted him to miss me & realize what he gave up 2 days later I got the text “I know this is not gonna help. But I really miss you!” What do you think about this? You think he will realize he made a bad choice and want to work this out?

    • philosiblog says:

      I don’t know. That’s a complex situation, and the subtleties of a relationship don’t translate well onto paper. You will have to take some time and make sure this is the right decision for you, pro or con. Yes, your emotions will impact your decision, but I believe you will get the best possible result if you also use the logical side of your mind as well. I wish you all the best, as this will probably be a tough decision.

  28. Sharon says:

    philosiblog,

    I’m not looking for a right or wrong answer; I just want to understand from another persons perspective. I dated a man for two years, within those two years, we never argued, got along great. our families both met and were very excited that we found each other. He had met my family and i had met his family. we had been talking about marriage and talked about our future plans so five months ago we set a time frame in which we would discuss a wedding date and we could let our family know. Within those last 5 months we grew closer with each other. so that day came where we would discuss a date He replied he wanted to wait another year before the date was set. i went quite and agreed even though i didn’t agree with his decision. The next day he asked me to call him when i got home and told me ” i feel like there are no sparks with us any more, I do not feel the same way as you do any more. Within two weeks he joined a dating site to pursue a long term relationship.

    i am confused as how this happened, when i can’t think about anything that would trigger a memory where i felt the relationship was lacking. He did a awesome job about keeping his feelings inside and showed me the love that i thought was mutual. my concern is if he knew ahead of time why did he not communicate earlier he was having doubts and needed time.

    I thank god, and saved me a future of heartache

    • philosiblog says:

      Sorry, I have no idea what was going through his head. The two possibilities that came to mind. The first is that he slowly fell out of love, and hid the fact for as long as he could. The second is that he panicked at the end and broke it off as forcefully as possible (burning his bridges behind him).

      I wish you the best in the future, as you heal from this experience, and (hopefully) emerge a little smarter and a little wiser, even if you are a little sadder.

  29. ana says:

    I don’t know what love is.I don’t know who I am in love with? Are two men in my life.How can I be sure who I really love? Please give me some clues,anything, because I really don’t know what to do anymore.Thank you!

    • philosiblog says:

      There is little I can do, as I cannot tell what your feelings are for either of them. There are also the differences between romantic and practical desires. How you feel towards them, as well as how they feel towards you are important factors. How mature are they? How deep is their love for you, or are you an infatuation? If you are under 25 years old, you will probably find that neither is the right one for you, although there is always the possibility I am wrong. You will have to spend a lot of time looking within yourself, searching your feelings, and considering your options. I wish you the best of luck on your journey of discovery.

  30. ana says:

    I am 28 years old.I have a seven years relationship,but I am not so sure about my feelings anymore.He is the same age as me.The other boy is older than me with five years,but he is very complex,he is afraid to get involved in another relationship because he suffered so many times.I tried to convince him about my feelings,but nothing.I’ve been doing that for about four months but he is still subject me to all sorts of “tests” to be sure about my feelings.I am not sure what should I do,I am in a different country now,far from both of them.I am tired and I really don’t know what to do anymore.My official boyfriend is calling me everyday and maybe I shoul tell him that I need a break or somethin’.I really can’t stop thinking about the other one.It is very strange what happens.

    • philosiblog says:

      Yes, that sounds very strange. I believe you actually have two problems, and that you should tackle one first, then the second.

      First, I believe you should settle yourself with your “official boyfriend.” Is he still your boyfriend, or not. You will need to consider him only, not by comparison to the other guy. When you know where you stand with the “official” relationship, you should promptly let the “official boyfriend” know where he stands.

      The first decision should help clarify your status with the other guy. If you have broken up with the “official boyfriend” and are still interested in the other guy, you will have to determine how many more ‘tests’ you are willing to endure before you tell him to quit playing with you, and move on.

      You have a lot to consider, and I hope you give it some serious thought. I hope things work out for you.

  31. Stud says:

    Philysiblog, My boyfriend and I of 3 months broke up about 3 weeks ago, he moved down to southern Cali, i was initially going to with him also and live down there together but he left without me because I wanted to move to Seattle with my brother and i wanted him to come, he was deciding as to where he wanted to go, he stopped texting one day and the next day i went to his apt to find out he left the previous day down to cali without me. This hurt me so much I was in so much pain, we still text every day and just talk about how life is going for each other and I’ll be moving to Seattle in 2 weeks and asked him to come along. He said he would think about it and he most likely would go up there, In a sense I feel like he let me go and he went his own way but I can’t help to think that this phrase applies to us, in the sense that he let me go, and i’m coming back to him. Do you think this is the case?

    • philosiblog says:

      Without hearing his side, and his motivations, I am hesitant to comment on who let go, and who is going back. His leaving without telling you doesn’t sound too promising to me. You will have to get a satisfactory response and reason from him, I would think, before you seriously considered getting back together as a couple. It sounds like you are still friends, and sometimes that’s how things end. However, if he ran away once, what will it take to cause him to run away next time? I would give that question some serious thought, were I in your position. I wish you the best as you work your way through this situation.

      • Stud says:

        Thank you so much for your input, I asked him this morning if he saw our relationship growing stronger, and if he was willing to try to work it out with me again, his response was this “Wow you spend too much time thinking of things.” What does that specifically mean? I need someones guidance very much. Thank you!

      • philosiblog says:

        Well, there are two ways to look at his response. Either you think too much, or he thinks too little.

        As you look to your future, is this the kind of person who will fit in, who will work with you? Or will they be an obstacle to be worked around?

  32. Stud says:

    What specifically mean by “he thinks too little”? Thats a very good question which I’ve wondered myself, and I feel like he could potentially be someone who will work with me, but than again I can totally see him being an obstacle I’m stuck in the middle which is no help. Your guidance is greatly appreciated.

    • philosiblog says:

      By that I mean that in such things, things are relative. Is it too warm, or do you prefer something cooler? Do you think too much, or does he not think enough? It was probably a flippant comment, not one to be taken seriously, but that is for you to determine.

      When you can see both sides of an argument, it is probably because you are still within it. Try to remove yourself, and ask the questions as if you were talking about the relationship a friend was having. Having a different perspective may help.

  33. nou says:

    wat if u fell for ur best friend..he just broke up with his girlfriend..they shared a lot together..he always implied stuff in a joking way (about us)..sometimes i felt he has feelings for me but i was never sure..and now he left her..i dont knw wat to do..is it the right time to let him go now? to see wat he’ll do or not? i dont want to waste my time if i cant have him..the heartache is unbearble..should i follow the quote?

    • philosiblog says:

      What you do is, of course, up to you. The point of the quote is to realize that if someone is not yours, no amount of working to keep them will keep them there forever. If you are able to be honest with all the people involved, you could state what your desires are, and let them have a say in the matter. So often people make these decisions without knowing what the other person is thinking or feeling, and that can lead to some pretty serious consequences.

      I wish you all the best in your journey through life.

  34. This is kind of funny though. I have been in love with this girl for 3 and half years. when we first met we were both charming and loving each other. we met in May 2009. she even decided to come and live with me after 3 months of knowing each other. In Dec 2009 we both discovered she was pregnant. we talked about it and I was so happy to let her know that I needed her to have the baby for me and she was so happy too as it was her first time. In march; 2010 she got a miscarriage when she was 5 and half months pregnant. It was very hard on both of us but especially on her as she loved her baby. It took her 6 months feel better. late in 2010 until april 2011 she was asking me to make her pregnant again;

    we tried doctors, prayers, etc… but to no success. She never got pregnant. I proposed to marry her legally; she accepted it and on 31st May 2011 we got married; she continued seeking to get pregnant; she had herself checked on a monthly basis so as to get pregnant but to no success. I loved this woman so much and us not having a baby together was no big deal for me although it is to her. Then in 2012 things started going wrong; she all of a sudden changed to another person; she started loosing interest in me; she could go back to her family without even telling me by disappearing and her family could call me; she did this about 7 times in 2012 the last time being in June. she went on seeking for a divorce; I gave her time to think; then after 2months staying at her parents; I went there to talk about the divorce she wanted as I was ready TO LET HER GO despite the LOVE I still had for her.

    On realising that I was so serious about giving her the divorce she was demanding from me; she went down on her knees and cried and said she was sorry for hurting my feelings and that she was ready to be a good wife again and that I could forget about the divorce because she wanted to come back and live with me; THERE’S NO MAN I KNOW THAT COULD NOT FORGIVE SUCH A WOMAN which I did.

    Since June 2012 Until December 5th we were okey and living nicely until Dec 9th 2012 when she again disappeared and when I returned from work I found she had gone away; this time she did not go to her parents place; rather went to some of her girl friends and stayed there; she blocked me and I could not talk to her on phone but only sms which she never responded to; I called her parents and they also did not know where she was; all she told them was that she was happy where she is and not at my place. Then I asked her again to let me talk to her through an sms and she let me talk to her and she told me that it was over between me and her and that she had found a new person who loves her so much and that who is so special to her and that she went on asking me to MOVE ON.

    Before when she disappeared I used to loose my minds; had sleepless nights and my working days were so bad that every workmate could recognise I was not in good moods. But this last time she has disappeared I do not know what to say but in one word I can say that “I FELT NOTHING; I FELT EMPTY IN MY HEART” I did not loose my mind any more; I just felt like it is high time I move on with my life and do my own staff to make myself a happy man again. It is now a month since she went. Just two days ago I went to a nearby country for some business mission and I happened to coincidentally see her. I approached her; she was with her auntie who lives in that city and other two girl friends of hers. She was so surprised to see me and I do not know if it was out of shame or what… she tried to create a scene… that she did not want to talk to me. I told her that I was on a business mission to that country and I happened to see her and had to meet her; I told her it is fine with me if she did not want to talk to me; then she asked me to meet her at her aunties’ place in that city (because I have been to her aunties I know the place) I told her I was still busy and would link up in 2hrs. After 2hrs I went there and found her there waiting for me. She invited me in the living room and we had a little chat. Funny thing she was still wearing our wedding ring and I asked her why she is still wearing it and if it does not make her new boy friend jealousy and she said she simply wore it to keep away men from hitting on her and that she removes it when she is with her new boy friend. I told her that I wish her luck and that it was great to meet her again. Then I called my friends to come and pick me and they did; and I just went away and we have never met again or talked again since then.

    I HAD TO LET HER GO to see the world her own way because I think that I deserve better and not be treated like this wasting my love and time on someone who does not value my love for her; someone that takes my love for granted. I have already made a very huge decision this time; that even if she returned to me after some time apologising and saying all sorts of sympathetic staff to me; I will never let her again in my life; she ruined my life; to the extent I lost respect at work and in my family. I thought she cared for me but she did not. However; I still feel EMPTY; I feel NOTHING for her; for anybody else; there’s this new girl who just finished her degree in law from Canada who I just met; we are friends and talking about this and that; she is so beautiful and charming and we have gone out together once last two weeks when my wife had runaway from me. I happened to talk to her about my issues with her; and she was telling me that she could assist me to move on by giving me some of her quality time (visiting me; going out for dinner; going out together for a movie; blah blah blah but no sex because I specifically told her that it was too early for any of us to indulge in any fornication acts because I hate that) and she promised to be there for me and make me happy; however; I STILL FEEL NOTHING AND EMPTY EVEN FOR HER TOO. I feel like my heart is FROZEN; I feel like I have never even loved anybody; although at least am now good at my work; and I have actually improved and am a little happier but no LOVE for anyone else. Yesterday I also told this girl that we should end this because I do not want to hurt her but she insists that she understands and that she will give me all the time I need to first settle which is a good thing.

    Guys; I cannot go on lamenting about my issues; but this is what I have been going through since december 2012. I do not know what you guys are going to say; all I need is your comments are very welcome concerning this subject.

    Estranged husband,
    Abd El Hamiid.

    • philosiblog says:

      That is a moving story. I hope you get to feeling better. In time, you probably will. The wound is still new, and will take some time to heal. In my relationships, including a failed marriage, it took time to move past the hurt and numbness that accompanied the breakup.

      My council would be to take it easy, and allow your heart to heal. That doesn’t mean ignoring everyone, but neither would it include excesses on being with others. Which exact path between them will be different for each of us, and might even vary from day to day for you.

      I wish you all the best, and remind you that you are stronger than you might imagine. Just give it a little time. Hopefully your Canadian friend, and any of your other friends, will understand your need and respect your wishes.

  35. StillHopeful says:

    I use to belive in this quote… and still do kind of, however it really doesn’t apply all of the time. Honeslty, (now this is my own opinion based on my experiences and what I’ve observed of other experiences) it’s ok to let someone go…. Yes, if you truley love them you will set them free. It is unfair to hold on to someone who doesn’t want to be there. On the flip side, why would you want to take someone back who didn’t really love you the first time and left you for their own selfish reasons. The reasons leading up to your crossroads of letting them go, are the things that describe what love is NOT. When people don’t want to be in a relationship many times they don’t communicate that with you rather they deceive you and do things the evoke jealousy, anger, selfishness, etc. When it’s NOT true love, it brings out the negative traits in both people. Why would you want to go back to that? Why welcome back someone who was selfish to hurt you and abandon your unconditional love so they can be free to test the waters and check out “greener pastures” and expecting you to welcome them back with open arms and legs when they are finally done playing and checking out greener pastures. It’s unfair to expect that one will wait and accept that false love back after HOPING those that leave will grow up, find themselves, have their space, etc. or whatever other lame excuse they provide on their way out the door… Life moves forward and passes us by…. “Life is too short”… Oh yes, and the “Let’s remain friends” is the easiest wait to ensure they still have a foot in the door when they want to come back after realize that the pastures are not greener on the other side, rather they are green where you actually water them. Even still… nothing is guaranteed and even when they come back there is no way to know that they won’t need space again… or they wont go through another phase…. it’s discipline! Everyone changes, everyone needs a little “me time” and no matter what age we are we will continue to find ourselves and go through phases… but it doesn’t justify or mean that you hurt the one who loves you or that is always there for you most during the process. That should be when you hold on even tighter to each other, communicate, pray, seek help (from the RIGHT resources) and work through the issues together. If you can make it through the storm TOGETHER…that is how you know it is meant to be. That’s just my opinion…Thanks for reading.

    • philosiblog says:

      I agree, this quote doesn’t apply to every situation. For people in abusive relationships, I hope they run and never go back.

      As for why they leave, that depends on the situation. But I hold out hope, tempered with observation. There is redemption, and people do make mistakes. Some mistakes are forgivable, others are not so easily forgiven. Again, every situation is unique.

      If it isn’t true love, why haven’t you left already? That’s a serious question. If you’re going to take the position that if it isn’t true love, the quote is invalid (if I’m reading you correctly). I would take the opposite position, and say that it does apply, and why are you still there? You should have left and not returned, as you were never theirs to begin with. Does that make sense?

      Facing the storm together is probably one of the toughest tests there is, and it is also the best team-building exercise available. If the relationship survives, it will be much stronger, provided the relationship remained the goal. As soon as it becomes I win, you lose, you don’t have a relationship, you have a contest (and not a friendly one at that).

      Yep, we all have opinions. Thanks for sharing yours. And thank you for reading as well.

  36. Mary says:

    Over the course of my life, I have taken a more firm root in ‘if you love something set it free’ philosophy, than the ‘true love’ branding. Probably because the word has been used by my mouth, but me not knowing what it truly means; how it truly feels. So I thank you for parsing that out.
    My belief is that my not knowing ‘love’ did come from the feeling that I held of myself. It has been such a turtle-like process to capture the significant moments from childhood and watch them play out in adult life. The problem being that every time they were playing out, to me, they seemed unique and individual– like how could this end of this relationship be because of me and my inabilities?
    Well, they were.
    One man, though, stood out. And of course, I pushed that love away, too, as inside of myself, there was no rooted love.
    Surprisingly, I have begun to do be decent to myself, and am finding more care inside. The process, the feeling, is new to me. I am continuing down its path, as it is so much brighter and shinier than where I sat previously– the feeling of ‘personal’ never felt more honest. The health of my interior life has risen.
    I will find out about this ‘true love’ by simply continuing my journey of self health and walking down my road. I know one thing: If true love reflects that which comes from the inside, it will stand out, it will stand alone, and it will shine brightly.

  37. C-Ray says:

    I am unfortunately finding myself in this situation at the moment. The love of my life for the past 15 years, married for almost 10 with three beautiful children, has recently told me although she loves me very much, she is not “in love” with me as the spark has faded. We are both beginning to work on this through counseling but today she told me she needs her space to figure things out for herself. As much as I have made a concerted effort the past three weeks to try and champion her back, it has proved futile and space is what she is requesting as she finds what it is she is looking for in her life. Because I love her so much, I have to set her free and grant her her space to examine her life and find what it is she is looking for at the risk of suffocating her and really making her run away. She has said we both want the same thing, for us to be together forever, but she just doesn’t know what she is going through now or what it is she is looking for. I only know this, because I love her so much, I will be waiting for her when she returns from finding what it is she needs to find. Unfortunately if she doesn’t, I will have no choice but to move on and pick up the pieces but at least I know it was never meant to be.

    • philosiblog says:

      That is a sad situation indeed. Perhaps you could spend a little time thinking back to all the things you used to do when you were first dating. Sometimes the spark goes cold when we take others for granted. I don’t know how much space she presently requires, but you might want to ask her to a movie or dinner, once she is in a more receptive place. Woo her all over again. Yeah, it’s probably a lot of work, but it sounds like you think she’s worth it.

      I wish you all the best in your quest.

  38. Maria says:

    I offered my husband a separation when I found out that his still married to his first wife back in his the country. They have kids 2 boys 21, 19 and both didn’t know that their father is married to me for 5 years now. I asked a separation again last year and again he doesn’t want to have a separate i love him so much , but I can’t live like this hiding secrets from me and to his first family so I decided to take my rings off as for me it is a symbolized of his secrets, guilt, pain, paranoia, headache full of surprises for the past years that my husband and I were together. Now he can’t say anything but to accept it. I am being unfair to him?

    • philosiblog says:

      You are in a tough spot. You should do what you feel is proper. In most countries, it is a crime to be married to more than one person. It isn’t acceptable in my culture, and it sounds like that it isn’t in yours either. I don’t know where he is from, and what their rules are, but that sounds like a serious breach of trust.

      He has become accustomed to living this way, so you are the one rocking the boat. Not that I would agree with him, but that is how he might view this turn of events. In the end, you are responsible for you and your situation. There are no easy routes forward, as you have indicated the present situation is not acceptable. But a decision has to be made, and it sounds like you have taken the first step. What follows will depend on you, him, and what arrangement can be found to which you both can agree.

  39. ramos aya says:

    AYA says:
    My boyfriend broke up with me..bcos he felt he is not important with me..he l,oves me so much dat time but one day his feelings to me is already gone,,i dont know why?he said to me im not apprecciate wat he did to me..i always angry to him..its already 1 week dat im angry with him..we argue aout his family bcos they doesnt liokes me..what can i do?

    • philosiblog says:

      From what you describe, there isn’t much you can do. It sounds like there is a fundamental difference in how each of you feel the relationship should be. Until that can be fixed, or one of you change to match what the other believes the relationship should be, you don’t really have a relationship.

      In short, the only paths I see for you are to let them go, and get on with your life, work with them to come to an agreement on your relationship together and how to behave, or adopt their definition by changing yourself to match their belief and desire. My council is that you take some time and first determine if these are the only paths, or if there is another path. Then take some time and decide which path you wish to take. It won’t be easy and it probably won’t be quick, but that is my advice. I wish you peace and happiness as you find your way through this trying time.

  40. Bree says:

    Thanks for the insightful interpretation! It’s definitely hard to let someone go because you’re scared they may not come back. My ex and I broke up due to many reasons, one of them being that I kissed another guy when I was I intoxicated. I told him about it and it broke his heart. He wanted to part ways, but I wouldn’t let him. I asked him to give me another chance. I have not cheated on him since, and will never do it again intoxicated or not, but the past had shattered him already. In addition to making him suffer from my mistake, he feels broken about himself. He cheated on his ex with another ex and for that reason he cannot forgive himself. He feels like he doesn’t deserve to love or be loved and feels he is not ready to be in a relationship hence the break up. I understand he needs time and space to heal himself and to forgive me for my mistake. I feel terrible and don’t know what to do to gain his trust and to prove my loyalty for him. He loves me a lot, but said he fell out of love after I did that. Yet, he continues to be kind and loving in return. This is a man worth fighting for, and I’m torn between letting him go and fighting for him–proving my love and loyalty. I’m scared he will not fall in love with me again. Help me, I don’t want to lose him.

    • philosiblog says:

      That was a great way to put it. The premise is that you might lose them, however, they are not yours to lose.

      There is a fine line between doing too little and doing too much. As I don’t know either of you nor your situation, I really cannot help. I have always advocated honest communication, and that would be the sole thing I would recommend. I wish you all the best as you embark on this journey.

      And I would caution against fear. When we do things because we are afraid, there seems to be a much greater risk of doing the wrong thing for the wrong reason.

      • Jailbeaker says:

        Well, i think shr still have feeling for me its just wont show, she told me that maybe im blind, coz i fall for her, her mum told me once before that i should fund better one coz im too good for her, but i refuse, all honestly i love her so much and ive been out with many girls bfore but there is something that i really like about her, for me if she will tell me to let go of her coz she dont want me anymore i would do it, but when im saying that to het she only tellin me that im stupid to say that, im trying to remain positive but im getting to the point which i dont know what to do, i am ready for whatever happens even it will hurt me but at the same time i dont want to lost her, should i give up on her or keep going and wait even its hard?

      • philosiblog says:

        Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that I thought she had no feelings for you, but it appears she is not ready to act on her feelings in the manner you wish her to do.

        She obviously isn’t ready at this point in time. If you still have feelings, all I can recommend is for you to wait and give her the space she seems to need. She either will come back, or she won’t. That is the whole point of the quote. In either case, it is likely outside your control.

        In short, you have to wait for her to decide she wants to come back. That’s why I closed my last comment with ‘Patience is a virtue.’

  41. Ginger says:

    So it has been also most a year since I found out that my ex of 9 years was in a new relationship.
    We were long distance, so we didn’t see each other everyday. However, the new person that he was seeing started to get upset because I was still calling and he was still talking and communicating with me. He seemed distance, however when we talked. On one occasion I got a text from his phone saying he had moved on and that he loved his new girl. I tried to call him to ask what was this all about and he said someone was playing on his phone. A lot of other strange things happened with him and his phone. I called one night and a girl said hello, he then called back 5 mins later saying never to call his phone again and hung up the phone. After that he sent a text saying that was a joke and it was his sister playing on the phone. I called his sister months later and she said that was not her. The next day we talked and he was like he still “loved me and to give him 6 months.” However, on July 3 I got a phone call again from his phone and it was a girl saying that they moved in together and I asked her to put him on the phone and she did. and he said nothing and hung up the phone. 2 days went by and he didn’t call, however I called him and he said that the girl was lying and none of that stuff was true. Oh, yeah and in addition he blocked my calls and lied about that when he eventually took me off blocked calls.
    After all of this happened I planed a trip to NYC and my layover was in his city. I told me to meet me at the airport to explain everything that was going on. He came and lied. He still could not tell me the truth. He looked me in the eyes and said he was not in a relationship! All in all he lied and he lied to his family as well.
    I’m not sure if he ever loved me b/c what he did was horrible. Comments welcomed.
    Thanks.

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like he has only partially left you, and yet is not willing to come back. You will have to decide what to do, but based on what you have said, it doesn’t sound like he is very honest with you, and quite possibly not honest with himself.

      I wish you all the best as you try to figure out your next step.

      • Mary says:

        And I offer you the best as you begin to set boundaries for yourself, even with regard to love…especially with regard to love. Those boundaries will actually become the guides able to release the love for yourself, so that all can see the beauty of its shape.

  42. Chris says:

    I’m experiencing this in my life right now. This quote is incredibly fitting; it has put what I’ve been dealing with for the past month in a half, in a perspective that I have yet to look in. So thank you for your wise words of encouragement. It really is more about my girl and I working on ourselves, then working on eachother as a couple. If we end up back together, then it truly was meant to be. And if not, then as much as it sucks, I was saved from a lot more heartache later down the road.

    • philosiblog says:

      Thank you for getting it. That’s the best synopsis I have seen to date.

      Until we know ourselves, it is doubly hard to know someone else. I wish the both of you all the best as you learn and improve yourselves. It’s hard to imagine your futures will be anything other than bright, even if they are separate, and not together.

      Be kind to yourselves and to each-other.

      • Chris says:

        Upon reading other people’s posts since mine last night, quite frankly I don’t realize how good I have it. I’ve separated from a girlfriend, someone who I was serious about, but nowhere near the folks on here who are dealing with marital issues. All I can say is this, as hard as it is, give your significant other that space he or she desires. The more you pressure them to get back together, etc. etc. you will push them away. I asked my girl a few weeks ago if she would like to get a cup of coffee, and she quite honestly told me “it’s soon and she’s not ready.” I then realized if I keep asking her, it will only push her away. Be patient, if things are meant to be they will happen. If the person doesn’t come back, then you are saved heartache later down the road because it certainly wasn’t meant to be.

      • philosiblog says:

        Yes, sometimes you don’t know how good you have it until you look around and see what others are going through. I agree with your observation that it is possible to push them away by being too persistant. It can be a fine line to walk, between too much and too little. You seem to have a pretty good grasp of the concept, I wish you the best as you put it into action, even if the action is waiting patiently.

  43. Smita says:

    i have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years and his parents knew me from last 1 year and his parents used to give me gifts occasionally, used to call me every now & then, used to talk about the marriage, but when the girl told about her relationship to her parents, parents were agreed then called the boy to meet, then boy i was unwelcomed at your home, i won’t be able to adjust with your parents, how you spent 3 years with me & all, but then we starting fighting for parents respect but then also everything was going fine and boys parents were invited to girls home on sunday and suddenly boys father called girls mom and told i have a rejection for this relationship, so ask your daughter to forget everything and i am also explaining this same thing to my boy.. after this my boyfriend said i am sorry i am taking this decision to leave you, after this i contacted him several times he did not answer a single call then once he answered and said everything is over now and stop calling me, she asked the reason for leaving, he said there is no reason.then i stopped calling him and after 20 days he called me and due to my phone was on silent mode, i didn’t pickup his call, then i called him and asked you called me , he said no i didn’t, may be by mistake i called u and on the same time he had called girls best friend, even he gave same reason to her also by mistake i called u, then i again asked him what is the reason behind taking this decision to leave me, he said there is no reason and said take care of urself, then i tried to meet him where he stays, but he did not open the door, and made a complaint to security that some girl is ringing my bell.. he not ready to meet me atleast once, he says it will hurt us, and said don’t call me again, what do you thing about this please help me, i am so much in pain , don’t know what to do..

    • philosiblog says:

      I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks like he has left. The reasons don’t appear very clear, but there is one thing that is clear: he’s gone. He might come back, but if you keep calling on him or phoning him, I expect it will only drive him farther away. It takes two to have a relationship, and it looks like it’s just you who wants one. All I can say is that the pain will eventually get smaller, and when it does, there will be room in your heart for another.

      I wish you all the best as you pick up the pieces of your broken heart and get on with your life. It will take strength, but I believe you can do it.

      • Smita says:

        thank you for your reply, but he used to care for me alot when we were in a relationship, but when he had called me after 20 days of our breakup he was crying, but still he said now do not call me, i am sorry and have a successful and wonderful life ahead, i still feel he loves me, but he doesn’t say i do not love you, he says i love you but there is no reason to leave me, and i really love him alot and i do not want to marry any other guy, i strongly feels he will come back to me. i really do not know what to do, his friends are in my contact, should i keep contact with them or not? i am really going through so much pain even he says i am going through same pain..

      • philosiblog says:

        It sounds like he is having trouble making up his mind, or is under the influence of someone else (parents, as possible example). I would recommend giving him some time to get his mind organized.

        If you have mutual friends, it might be helpful to ask them to keep you informed on how he is progressing, and to occasionally ask about you. Be careful not to do this too much, as you can just as easily drive him away if he feels you are trying to manipulate him.

        It sounds like you have a tough time ahead of you. I hope it is worth the effort, and you are able to get him to reach out to you.

  44. Smita says:

    thank u for your reply..

  45. ChoosingWhatsRight says:

    My story is a bit differen from all the ones that has been posted so far. I am having the same problem with a friend I met in a forum. At first we used to talk like you would to anybody else but after some time we started to know each other. I made the first contact asking for something and then we started talking more and getting into each other’s lives. We would message each other constantly to talk just about anything and I unwillingly developed feelings for this friend. Feelings I kept to myself until he started distancing a little and I couldn’t help but lose my cool, burst and tell him I was feeling like I loved him. I tend to develop feelings of attachment for people too quickly and I end up heartbroken when people fail to meet my expectations. This friend said things to me that made me think he likes me. Like he said one day I could go visit him to his country (He lives in South America), that he deeply cares about me and seeing me unhappy makes him sad because I deserve to be happy and stuff like that. I fell for him because at first we were very close and those things he said made me like him. Anyway, he replied saying that he was flattered and that me having feelings for him won’t change anything between us, that I was his great friend and I will always be his great friend. He apologized saying he failed to reply to my messages because he tends to forget things but that it was not like he was ignoring me or avoiding me. I accepted his apologies but the next day he again ignored my messages. I confronted him again, he apologized and assured me I had nothing to worry about because we are still friends. Then the next day he ignored my messages. Recently I just gave up. Not only he is not replying to my messages but he has been absent from the forum on which we met. He rarely posts there. Whenever I post something he disappears and in other forums we arre together he doesn’t reply to my posts but when another friend of his post something he quickly replies. Also I found out he opened another forum and invited some of his friends but not me. I kept this to myself even though I felt very hurt and sad because I couldn’t understand why he treated me like this when he always said I was his great friend. I spent two days without contacting him. Today I just sent him a message saying Hi. I also said it was not like I was forgetting about him but that I was busy and I wanted to give him space to meet new people and make friends, etc, but that I was there if he needed something. He replied saying that he saw that when we were close and contacted each other almost every day we were becoming too dependant on each other so when whe stopped talking or messaging he was giving me space. He thanked me for doing the same with him and he said that we will always be friends no matter what. I am so confused. I don’t know if he meant to say that or if it was a way to come to terms with feelings of guilt. He never told me we needed space before. He only did when I told him. It’s so hard to read him. Like I don’t know if he does this because he have feelings for me more than a friend and he is just scared. Also because he isn’t that great with expressing his feelings I never knowh where I’m standing in the middle of this. I need help. I thought about moving on and if one day he comes back then it was meant to be. I am just too tired of always initiating contact between us, of expecting something more and of being the one who gives more than Iget back in return. If there’s any advice you can give I’d highly appreciate it.

    • philosiblog says:

      While I cannot speak for him, or directly to your situation, it sounds like you may be reading more into the relationship than he is. I have lots of close friends, but none of them have any flavor of romance, other than the relationship I have with my wife.

      What I am inferring from what you have written, he likes you, but only as a friend. It sounds like he may be backing up a little because you’re coming at him a little too hard. It is possible that he likes you without loving you, and may be a bit creeped out with the level of attention you are placing on him.

      My usual advice when people aren’t sure where they stand is to ask. Communication can be difficult, but if you are willing to talk frankly about what is going on and how you feel, you can at least get clarity. You may not like the answer, but at least you will know if you ever had something, or if it was just your imagination.

      That probably wasn’t what you wanted to hear, but it’s the best advice I have for you. I wish you the best in your journey of discovery. There will be good times, and there will be trying times. Each will come and go, then return again like waves on the beach. Smile and be strong, and know you are both worthy and special.

  46. prynka says:

    i really need your help ……….there was a guy in my college we became frnds and i started liking him like hell i felt something serious for him and it was all mutual he use to behave like as if he also wants to be with me ……………..this went for month but when i directly asked him about all the stuff he said that im having a misunderstanding …….but everyone around noticed something very different between us ……….and i know its there i can feel it ………………… so what should i do im waiting for him and i know i cant get over him plzzzzzzzzzz help me im stuck in this situation from months

    • philosiblog says:

      What can I say, guys can be fickle. It sounds like he has cooled down a bit. From what you said, others noticed that things had cooled from his side.

      As I see it, you don’t have many choices. You can sit there and wait, hoping he comes back, all the while trying to keep the fires of love burning. But eventually, those flames may well burn you, and if that happens, the love will likely turn to hate. Don’t ask me how I know.

      The other choice seems more reasonable in my view. That is to go on with your life. It won’t be easy, but if he never comes back, this is where you’ll end up when the fires of hate have finally burned out. I believe it would be prudent to skip that whole fires step.

      If he comes back, great. If not, you’ll have to move on, or become a stalker. It doesn’t sound like the next few weeks are going to be pleasant for you, but I don’t see any other path. I wish you strength and patience as you go through this tough time.

  47. prynka says:

    i will not hate him and i cant hate him ever im gonna wait for him because im sure he will come back bdw thanks…………

  48. Charlene says:

    I was just let go. Moved away for 2 yrs for my masters… Across the country relationship for 18 mos… he got tired of doing it. Says he ll fight for me when he gets this thoughts together. We ll see if I move on before because that’s all I can do. This page helped me to see that I was the clingy lover who stopped the chase aspect of love that he needed. I let him get away with things because I’m so far away and he doesn’t think he loves me enough and wants to lose me to see. But after reading this quote, things just weren’t right.

    If

    • philosiblog says:

      If…

      Were you going to add more?

      In any case, relationships are complex things. Most involve some level of chase, but how much is too much and how much is too little? But if both aren’t getting what they want, it’s not much of a relationship.

      However, like ships, there is some momentum. As long as you haven’t crashed into a pier or a sand bar, there is still some relationship, even if the winds are still or the motor is off. It looks like the ship is slowing, but not yet stopped. What will you do? What do you want? What meets your needs?

      It sounds like you have already put some effort into this exercise, and I wish you all the best as you determine what you will do in the future.

      • Charlene says:

        About the if… I didn’t get to finish…
        he’s the one who feels behind in life and wants a family and marriage ASAP.. But is worried ( bc we were only together for 8 Months before I Moved and now it’s been 2 yrs… ) tht we may not be right for eachother and doesn’t want to wait to figure it out anymore. he said that he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me but he’s not happy with his life and he just wants to take time to make himself happy. By being in this stressful relationship and only seeing me for 4 days a month it’s making him more stressed out. He’s losing his job in 2 months and has never not been laid off after a yr and a half. I’m very successful and stable.. I think that hurts his pride… he’s always telling me I can do better and I should. I don’t believe that at all I have different values and never compare. I’m just scared that I’m in love with someone who’s “just not that into me.”

      • philosiblog says:

        It sounds like he needs some time to get his life sorted out. From the experience of friends, you don’t want to have a troubled relationship when kids are involved. My advice to you is to get the relationship sorted out first, then consider starting a family.

        Yes, the male ego is a fragile thing. Many of us have falsely tied our value as a person with our ability to provide (ie our job). When that job goes away, life can be really tough for us.

        All I can say is that you should take your time and make sure he really is that into you before you get too much deeper into it, and most definitely before you have kids!

        It will take some effort and a lot of patience to get this sorted out. I would recommend being as honest with him as you can about your concerns and your feelings, and see if he sees things the same way. It might help to clear some things up in your relationship.

  49. Jailbeaker says:

    Hi, ive been out in Long distance relationship for 1 year nd 1 month, ive known this girl through online so i hadnt actually met her in real. We decide to meet after 5 months but i wasnt that ready myself, i am 20 and i am 2 1/2 years older than her, the problem now is at first 8 months we really into each other not until she told me that she is still young and want to enjoy her life more, she said that she really wants me in the future maybe 3 more years from then, i asked her if she want to break up but she said no, after that our relationship lost its spark so i told her i let her go but ahe send me message this is not what she want but just what i want so we got back together, now we more like friends than in relationship im still commited but i just dont feel that she is, i told her that im going at her place whenever she wants but she told me she is busy at school and training stuffs so she has no time for me, what i want is what im supposed to do, coz i have a feeling that mayne she already have new one that she loves or going out with, i am close to her family and they like me but i dont want to ask them, please help me..

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like she’s not ready. A relationship will only work if both of you want it, and that’s not what I’m hearing from your description.

      While I don’t think much of the age difference, there appears to be a significant maturity difference between you two. Until she believes she is ready, all you can try to do is put her in a cage. I don’t see how that could end well.

      As the quote says, you have to let go. You do not own her, even if she does own your heart. If you are still friends with her and her family, there is still hope. However, it sounds like it may well take some time for her to figure out what she wants. Pushing her at this point will likely only push her away.

      That probably wasn’t what you wanted to hear, but it’s my best advice based on what you presented. Patience is a virtue.

  50. ashley says:

    I caught him with one of my fren…she was liein beside him but he told me it is notin of dat sort. What should I do? He’s not even begging 2 com bak

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like you have found two weasels, your friend and your guy. If he isn’t asking to come back, I’d say he’s gone. Given that performance, I would say good riddance. No one needs that kind of drama. You deserve better.

  51. Damien toms says:

    Hi i recently broke up with a girlfriend due to exbyfriend issues. We talked for eight months and battled each other. We then got together for 3 and a half months and then broke up. I love her and she loves me her ex cheated on her twice and did her wrong a second time. She never told a guy she wanted to marry them until me. He claims he has changed and shes falling for it. Yet she loves me and him. I promised her that our love was too strong and we would find each other again. She needs to learn from her mistakes. I want her back what do i do.

    • philosiblog says:

      You can’t make her come back. You either wait for her to come back, or you move on with your life. Not too many other options left.

      Sorry, but it sounds like she’s stuck on the other guy. If she hasn’t learned her lesson by now, she probably won’t after this go-around, right? It might be time to (as painful as is likely to be) cut her loose.

      I wish you all the best in the trying days ahead.

  52. Hi There says:

    Hi.I was with my ex bf for 5 years and the last 2 years of that was very on and off. The reason we were on and off was because he didn’t want to be in a relationship and he felt like he was stuck in a rut. It was very difficult but I give him the space that he needed. I waited because i love him so much. He would come back and we would start again but then he would start to feel the way he did before. We did this for a year in a half. I’ve always believe in that saying that if you love someone you’ll let them go and if they come back then it is meant to be.

    Then something happened in his life that made him realize he wanted to start over with me. So we officially got back together, stating that this was going to be the last time we try again. We were together and happy for about 5 months. The only big problem I had was that he never made plans with me or ask me to hang out, I’m always the one who have to ask him out if i wanted to see him and that’s really the only big thing we fight about. And I always felt that i loved him more then he loved me. Well last week, out of no where, he broke me up me. He told me that he still feels the same way he did 2 years ago, that we haven’t grown as people. That I deserve someone better, that won’t take me for granted like he has been. And all in all he just didn’t want to be with me. He said that he regret not being able to make us work and that he was really sorry. I totally felt blindside by this because i thought we were doing good, but he was acting distant the weeks leading up to the break up.

    A couple of days ago I found out from a mutual friend that he cheated on me a week before we broke up, with a girl that he works with. And i heard that he’s somewhat seeing her now. He doesn’t know I know that he cheated. With everything i know and how he treated me, I still love him, and miss him, and want him back. I still feel like he’s the one. Isn’t that crazy?

    • philosiblog says:

      I would say that yes, that’s a little crazy. If he’s behaving this way now, and you know why, the next question is : Was that the same reason he broke up with you two years ago? What makes you think he is ever going to change? As much as you like him, it appears you are someone to be with until he finds something better.

      Everything you have said points to a one sided relationship, where you love him, and he simply takes advantage of you. I don’t expect the pattern to ever change. If you are willing to wait for him to come back, and don’t mind being cheated on, then wait for him. I would recommend against it. You deserve better.

      I wish you all the best in the difficult times ahead.

  53. Michael says:

    Hi I am in need of some advice. I was seeing my best friend back in 2011 and it was good and all but when we were seeing, she never wanted anyone to know and as well I didn’t want anyone to know. It was good for the first two months until I stopped trying and didn’t treat her as a girl friend. It could be because of my lack of experience or the fact that I didn’t know if I actually liked her I guess. We broke up on Christmas Day and we still remained good friends. During summer time i left the city to travel for a month and came back and started talking to her again, and asked if she was seeing anyone and she told me she was and it didn’t bother me. It wasn’t until Oct 2012 that I realized how much I missed her and wanted her back, she was seeing another guy at this point but this guy wasn’t treating well and her ex before me wanted to get back with her as well. Anyways I called her at 3am confessing my feelings and she got upset at me for calling so late, and told me I had no chance and to move on. I was really hurt and I couldn’t accept reality and asked so many people for advice too many I would think. In the new year my friends got fed up and told her about everything and she called me all concerned for me because I was failing in school and not in the right state of mind. She told me she was seeing another guy and that she is happy and such, but she is worried about my state and wants me to stand up again. She found out that I had told a lot of people and she is upset at me. She told me she wants me to find the same happiness she does. This girl has never had a relationship that last a year and she is 25, and I am 22. She doesn’t like telling people that she is in a relationship. She always been ashamed of my age and maturity level. She said we are just not capable but i believe I am. I do not know what I should do. Should I let her go and hope she will come back, or what is your advice on this situation. I just living in much regret because I didn’t know how to treat her as a girlfriend and if I had a second chance I would treat her a lot better, but I just don’t know what I should. She has told me I have no chance with her but why is that I believe we were meant to be??

    • philosiblog says:

      Well, it seems clear that she isn’t interested in having or isn’t ready for a relationship. Since it takes two to have a relationship, I think you don’t have much choice in the matter.

      Before anyone will want to be with you, you have to want to be with you. I would recommend that you start by pulling yourself together; get your grades back up, get your mind right, and get your life a little more settled.

      I don’t know the situation well enough to say with any certainty whether you have a chance once you get your act together, but it seems pretty obvious that in your present condition, you have no chance at all.

      The next few months are going to be hard, as you will have to focus on improving you, and not getting stuck in a trap of missing her and feeling sorry for yourself. I wish you all the best in the difficult times ahead, but I believe you can get yourself pulled back together. From there, it’s up to her.

      • michael says:

        Thanks, but what should I do when I see her in the hall now since it is so awkward between us and will it ever be the same between us if we can not have a relationship?

        As well, what is the first step in forgiving yourself?

      • philosiblog says:

        It will be awkward. There is no helping that. But my recommendation would be to keep it as calm as you possibly can. Say ‘hi’ and move on. When she is ready, if she ever is, she will let you know.

        Not sure about the forgiving yourself part. I’ve always just done it. Just understand that we all screw up, it’s part of being human. Promise to learn from your mistakes as well as your successes, and get back to living. That’s the best I have. Does anyone have any suggestions or advice?

    • Mary says:

      I agree with Philosiblog’s initial point that this is your time, Michael, to work on evolving yourself. It’s really not about who you’re with, or second chances. Become the man you want to be. She may not necessarily get you there. Allow her have the chance to evolve also. Sometimes letting your hands come away from the grip of the steering wheel is when your wings start to form. Set her free, and set yourself free to grow, to change, to surround yourself with the one thing that is going to set you apart….knowledge. Do that for yourself and the rest will come and rest on your shoulders when you’re not looking.

      • philosiblog says:

        Thanks for joining in. I hope that helped.

      • Michael says:

        will there ever be a chance she will come back to me? to me letting go of her is so hard to do, I just don’t understand why it took me so long to realize how much i truly love this girl.

      • philosiblog says:

        Sorry, but I have no crystal ball. My recommendations are to be patient and to work on improving yourself. Patience is necessary so as not to annoy or drive her away. Working on improving yourself because you have to do something with the time, and that is a great investment. Learn a skill, pick up some knowledge, work on your health or fitness.

        She might come back, and she might not. There is nothing you can do to force her back. The best you can do is be an inviting destination, and hope she visits. I wish I could give you a ‘better’ answer, but I don’t like to lie.

      • Mary says:

        Perhaps the length of time for your feelings for her to surface is because you, yourself, are evolving, Michael. Perhaps there are other reasons why you feel such a push inside to treat her well and connect to her. What I do know is that focusing on one person who does not want you is not in your best interest. In listening to what she says, you have to forge ahead, Michael. Walk away, because you never know what’s around the next bend. And always, always, with the right attitude, you will always be walking towards something. If you need to focus on something, focus on producing pride in yourself. Remind yourself of the quote from time to time because it has your best interest at its heart. I believe that you will rise to this challenge and you won’t be sorry you did.

  54. Anonymous says:

    Philosiblog,

    I’m in a current situation where I broke up with my ex last August. We were together for three years, everything was perfect, we were an amazing couple and truly always respected each other. I always did little things for because I loved her and still love till this day. The reason I ended it was because I was so overwhemled with grad-school and the relationship. I can honestly say that life got the best of me at that moment in my life. Now that I look back it was a big mistake on my part and have taken full responsibility for hurting her. I reached out to her this past December and she told that she is seeing someone. It honestly destroyed me emotionally. We’ve been texting here and there since the beginning of this year and we’ve gone to lunch 3 times the last month. She texts me sometimes with thinking of you etc. If there is anything that I know in this life is that I truly love her and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to have her back in my life without invading her privacy of course. The issue is that she is still with the new guy. I read your blog, and I find very inspiring. I know that she still feels something for me, but I also know that I love her that much that I might have to let her go in order for her to be happy. I just don’t want her to think that I gave up on us again. I’m finding a hard time differentiating “giving up” with “letting her go”. If you can please input your thoughts in this matter and tell me what to do I would really appreciate it.

    • philosiblog says:

      From what you said, it sounds like she is opening the door to some kind of relationship. She may be taking it slowly, to make sure she doesn’t get hurt again. However, it may not be the same kind of relationship as you had before.

      Have you explained how you screwed up, and what you have learned from the experience? Have you let her know you still have feelings for her? It might be a bit ballsy, but you might also ask her if she minded you waiting for her. Just be prepared for the possible devastation the answer might bring.

      It sounds like you have an understanding of what went wrong, it’s just a matter of seeing if you can lure her back. How hard you should try will depend on the signals she gives, and how your relationship re-develops.

      It will be a difficult road, and I wish you all the best as you climb it. It might help to consider this a journey of self exploration, with the possibility of ending up with the girl in the end.

  55. Kris says:

    Hi i recently lost a guy that said i love you to me right before he was deployed. we had been talking for about 4 maybe 5 months before he was sent over seas. the 9 months he was deployed we talked none stop my phone vibrated in the middle of the night i would be up and wide awake just to talk to him. and he would be up late into the night over there to talk to me. but near the end i did notice that he had changed i expected that to happen. and at this point i had fallen in love with him with both shared a lot of stuff. when he got home things were out of control me trying to find time to go see him since i am still in school and the time he spent on duty. we had one fight over trust which that got solved with barely any effort. now we argued over me not knowing he had service….i got worried like any girl that loves a guy would, plus i had a few other things that worried me. but he totaly discontected me from his life…..he wont listen at all…i feel that possibley coming home from war and not having anything other then me to return home to since home life wasnt the best, it might have done somthing with it but i dont know. part of me tells me he will be back but yet theres that other part that says he really hates me right now….but i guess all i can do is give it time and see what happens.

    • philosiblog says:

      I would recommend you find a support group for returning service-members, and see if you can get in. Yes you. You have no idea what happened inside him over there. Deployments do things to people. Trying to get a normal life back can be a difficult thing. Hopefully, you can find some things you can do to help him adjust. In doing so, you become more useful to him, and you can better understand him. It also might be useful to reach out to some of his buddies to see if they can help you understand what he went through, or how he might have changed. It would also provide you with a method of getting messages to him without having to be in his face.

      He might also be pushing you away to protect you from his emotions or from his anguish or pain. Guys can be like that, even without a war thrown in. He might also be a little unsure about his next step and trying to get some maneuvering room for himself.

      You have a tough road ahead of you. I would urge you not to give up just yet, but to also exercise caution, so as not to push him away. I wish you all the best in your travels down the road of life.

      • Kris says:

        i dont plan on giving up, which is what people are tormenting me for. but i dont know who else to talk to since he one buddie is a complete ***Hole.i have though about trying to talk to other guys but cant find any in my area all i have is an airforce base. but one other problem is he wont even respond to any messages….he completely disconnected me. well not to sure about blocking my cell #. i keep having a feeling that things might change but its going to be awhile….

      • philosiblog says:

        Sorry to hear that. I don’t know enough to have any idea why he is isolating himself. I hope he gets things worked out on his end. I hope you don’t have to suffer too much, either. Not a great spot to be in. But you must look after yourself as well. Don’t neglect your needs.

  56. Mary says:

    I don’t have much experience with our soldiers returning home, but I’d like to interject anyway, Kris, if you don’t mind, just because the heart is so complex. I thought that maybe your worries were simply more than he could absorb or entertain. Maybe the detachment is completely necessary. I might think that demonstrative love might also be towards the heavier side and an emotion he cannot wrap any piece of himself around yet. I would think that the heart’s language of friendship might be more needed, but even so, in small, yet significant reminders that simply, he has a friend. The sort of friendship that is rich in support and given in appropriate amounts. I hear that word associated a lot with our returning soldiers. I wish you well, Kris, as you understand your tiny steps towards him. And I wish that in time, he is able to understand how to take tiny steps back towards you.

  57. Tom says:

    I do believe with this as it is words I had shared with Lisa, my now ex-girlfriend. Though my thoughts and words were more along the in the form of Police’s – Set Them Free song. On a spiritual level this may be true but we also must learn and understand to what may have caused the split and breakup and to the real reason to which brings the souls back together. Was the breakup or cause of one temporarily moving on because there was a thought or sight to “better things”? Was it because it was a conflict amongst yourselves and just needing space? Or was it to escape from you because you have knowingly or unknowingly caused pain, grief or your partner not feeling like themselves any more and needed to search for them self? Were we true to ourselves all of this time and true to our loved one? If not, was suddenly the truth exposed or your true self does appear? But this saying goes on to say if they come back, it is to be – True but…
    But we do need to understand that original cause of that need of space and have we learn and grown from it. As the time does come, to understand why we want to fully re-unite. I truly miss my Love, my Friend, my Lisa but if the time does come and I so given a chance, I hope my journey of becoming a whole person is complete, so as I can truly feel and appreciate a new experience, if the reasons are right, in missing me as a friend, a lover and a companion in this wonderful life and to continue this journey hand in hand. Peace…… tom

    • philosiblog says:

      A very good comment, from a very personal experience. Thank you for sharing.

      Part of why I like the comments section is it allows all of us to examine other aspects of the quote, or consequences thereof. Here, you discuss several points I didn’t mention in the post, and are very relevant.

      Something I believe we should all be working towards at all times is the betterment of ourselves, a point you make in your comment. Also, we should always try to be true to ourselves and our values, which is another point you make.

      Thanks for sharing with all of us. I wish you the best in your personal growth and your quest to build your relationship with Lisa.

  58. In Love says:

    Sooo….I fell in Love and don’t know what to do. I started dating this guy….going strong and then all of sudden he tells me he wasn’t ready for a girl like me (about 6 months in)…he said I was marriage material and he wasn’t ready….even though I never talked about marriage with him. We remained friends….it’s been 6 months since he told me that and we have seen each other off and on during that time. I have been fighting the feeling that I am in love with him. I feel like I should just confess my love but I am nervous of further push back. Should I let him go? On the other hand my ex wants me back…it’s been 2 years since our breakup and he has heavily pursued me during our breakup – and has vowed to love me forever and spend the rest of his life proving it…and I believe him. But I am in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. Should I let the guy I love go and wait or should I let the guy I love go and go back to my ex… The guy I know who loves me.

    • philosiblog says:

      Yikes! That’s a bit of a situation you have there.

      Love is such a broad term in the English language. There are many different flavors and intensities, and you will need to figure out what feelings you have for each of the guys, and try to get a better feel from the guy you are pursuing.

      I would not let go of the guy you are pursuing until you have figured out exactly where he stands and where the relationship stands. Sometimes you have to settle for being friends, as the romantic love just isn’t there.

      You really can’t make a decision until you have all the facts, so that should be your first priority. Once you have the facts, your options should be a little more obvious, and your path a little more clear. It might not be pleasant or easy, but it should be clear.

      You’re in for some rough times, and I wish you all the best as you move forward in your life.

      • In Love says:

        Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it. How do I figure out where the guy I have the feelings for stands? We recently went out and we had a great time but I can’t figure him out. Does he likes me, does he not, does he want more, does he not. Love shouldn’t be this hard. But I do hear you loud and clear about settling to be friends.

        At the being of the year he sent me a text saying things will be better for us this year…what the heck does that mean. The word “us” had me trying to figure out what does he means…”for us”. He also went on to apologize for growing distance…but so far things are still going slow…to me at least. My friends say let him go because he is not serious about you. After my post to you I did say I was going to give him a break and not call or text him for a while. Normally I am the one doing all the reaching out.

        I do have a bit of a messy situation on my hand so I am trying not to make any haste decisions. Again thanks so much for your insight.

      • philosiblog says:

        Why do you ask these questions of me? Ask them of him.

        It sounds like you know what to do, you just need to take the steps. I agree, take them slowly, but take them you must if you wish to find out, right?

      • In Love says:

        Yes you are right. I just felt I needed a neutral perspective; a perspective of someone outside of the situation. Again I really appreciate your blog.

  59. Turn the record over? says:

    Hey Philosiblog, came across your page when searching the old “if you love something set it free” quote and saw you are providing us folks with a listening ear on matters of love. Well, here it goes:

    I met this girl at a Gasque (fancy Swedish dinner and dance gathering) and had that love at first sight feeling. At the time, I was an exchange student from Canada and she seemed instantly drawn to me. Magic right? Like what comes next should be a fairytale right? Well turns out not quite. I didn’t ask for her #, figuring I would run into her here again (without going into detail, we were part of the same “club” for lack of a better word and surely I thought I would see her again). I didn’t see her again for 3 months and when she saw me she came right up to me as if she had been waiting to see me. We chatted, I got her #, told her i was leaving to travel and go back home in a week (semester was over). She asked me to come visit her and offered me a room at her place (she lives in the city i was flying out of, coincidence right?) I said I would, then changed my plans (friends were coming to visit and travel and I basically bailed on her hoping I could see her when she’d be around when I got back for 2 days before going home for good).

    I didn’t see her, but had her e-mail and decided to add her to facebook. She accepted but didn’t write me or anything. Finally, I write happy bday to her and get a like but nothing more. I wrote her a message and she didn’t write back. I gave one of her photos a like and she responded to the message I wrote her, finally. I wrote her back a few days later and haven’t heard anything since. I wrote her happy bday again and still just got a like.

    I never told her how I felt and am still kicking myself for it. This is almost 2 years from that Gasque and I just want write her back and tell her how I still feel. She wrote me back last like 6 months ago.

    Is it too late to tell her now? Will it be worth it writing her a message letting her know how I feel I screwed up? This is my question. OR do I let her go, set her free, and if its meant to be it’ll come back together?

    I’ve met many girls who I’ve had interest in since then, but I always come back thinking to her.

    • philosiblog says:

      Well, my question in response is “What do you have to lose?” Write to her, apologize for messing up, say you’re sorry, and let her know how you feel.

      That said, it seems we all have a story about “the one that got away.” At least learn something from the experience. Twice you let her slip through your fingers, figuring there would be another chance. Hopefully you have learned that lesson, right? 8)

      I wish you all the best as you try to sort this out.

      • Turn the record over? says:

        Thanks for the quick response, this truly means a lot. I did let her slip through twice and the worst part is that I don’t even know why. Insecurity I suppose. I was given a second chance when I saw her again and blew it.

        I’ll take your advice and try, there really is nothing to lose and only closure to gain. I’ll have to accept whatever comes of it. Regardless of the outcome, this has certainly taught me a lesson.

        As for you: it means a lot to ordinary people that there is someone out there willing to listen and give advice. Keep doing what you’re doing as you are surely making a difference in people’s lives. I wish you all the best!

      • philosiblog says:

        Glad I could help. But in all honesty, you’d have come to this conclusion eventually. All I did was give you a nudge. Best of luck to you!

      • Turn the record over? says:

        Philosiblog… I messaged her and didn’t get a message back even though it says “read” on facebook (not trying being creepy here but you know how it is).. But, she did “like” a photo of me like right away after; a photo of just me standing there smiling. The optimist in me sees this as acknowledging what I said to her and she just didn’t want to or know how to respond right away, otherwise she would just ignore right? Anyways, I’m pretty happy about this, not sure what exactly it means but it certainly put a smile on my face after so much uncertainty.

      • philosiblog says:

        I’m happy for you. My only advice at this point is to not read too much into it, and to not rush things. In my experience, women tend to go slowly, often giving hints that they’re looking for a little more, but only a little. Often we read that as wanting a lot more, and we mess things up.

        Communication is always a key factor, and you can always ask her if you’re going too slow, and see how she responds. But not just yet. It can be maddening, but (in my experience, at least) that’s the way they play the game. If you want what they have, you have to follow their rules. The trick is figuring out what the rules are. 8)

        And keep smiling. It will help keep you happy.

  60. brian says:

    Ive been sort of together with this girl for 2 years and we both work together. The other day she called it quits because our age is 7 years apart and she has a son. I really love her nd would do anything for her and she know knows that to. She has really strong feelings for me and always thinks of me. The hardest thing is working together and sh e says leave her alone etc. I ve been in many relationships before and this is by far the most difficult because of my strong feelings for her. Its very tough for me just to not contact her. Its funny because she uses your quote very often.

    • philosiblog says:

      Sounds like you have a tough situation on your hands. It’s one thing to have to break up with someone, and to let them go because they want out. But to then have to see them on a regular basis, that’s going to be very trying.

      I wish you the best of luck as you try to keep your feelings to yourself.

  61. The Weak Man says:

    I’ve been going out with this girl for 2 and half years, at the start of our relationship she was just trying out and see if this relationship would work out. I tried so hard, poured so much effort and my sincerity and seriousness moved her one day. We remained an item until recently where she got posted to US (I’m from Malaysia) for 6 months. Before she flew, we were still very close. We did many shopping, planning for her trip, going out more frequent and we remained on contact with each other over instant messages and video-over-internet when she flew over. The first week we were still doing well until after I started to found out that she’s been hanging out with this group of colleages, even at one point she went to one of the guy’s house to work from home (IT support)

    I was jealous. I got furious. I started acting strange, questioning her. The more I dig the more ugly truth I found. I was a little overboard and went into her facebook account (we both share our pass). I found that there were some admirers after her, I found that the same group was being a bad influence to her. They brought her out to pool and movies then occasionally to shisha bars (which she lied to me going for movie). She never liked smokers, and always reminded me to never start smoking. Why is is that after going out with these people, she started doing all things that she wouldn’t like? It was just the second week and she broke up with me.

    I’m scared, I did all what a man would do for her girl. Giving her love, being attentive, placing her first over others. Where did I do wrong? How did it come so unexpected, so fast, so hard? I cant believe she actually left me for a group of people she met there for 2 weeks.

    • philosiblog says:

      I feel for you. It’s not easy to lose a love in this manner. Travel to a foreign city can really mess with a person’s head. The newness, the different customs, the new sights and sounds, all can contribute to a change in a person. From what you describe, she has changed. Nothing you have done in the past matters any more.

      It sounds like she has left you, and you no longer have a claim to her. Perhaps she will change back when she returns, but perhaps not. In either case, you have a few months to work on yourself. That is where I would recommend you focus your energies. Not in vengeance, not in blaming yourself, not in immediately finding a new girlfriend, but in trying to become a better person yourself.

      I wish you all the best in the coming months, knowing that it will be hard. Persevere, and improve yourself, and things will eventually get better.

      • The Weak Man says:

        Thank you. I’m grateful for all these. However, I’m having a really hard time moving on. I doubt she will change back to like how it was when she returns. She was so cruel after that event, blocking all the communication channel, being really cold blooded. She basically just avoids me like a plague.

        I still cant forget her, she was my first. It was so deep, it hurts so bad. I tried to move my mind elsewhere, but because I promised her to get down in weight from 90kg to 70kg before she got posted there, I felt like I’m doing all this just to fulfil that promise. I worked myself so hard now, but each time I get the results, It felt like I’m doing something – giving myself false hope at the same time – just to win her back knowing that it’s already impossible for her to return, but I kept doing all these stupid things, I kept hoping and hoping one day we’ll be back together. I’m such a weak man. I’m afraid to let go, as I’m taking risk. I know this is stupid because everyone should have their own choices, their own freedom and their own happiness.

        I’m dying bits by bits every single day ….. I know I’m being stubborn, everyone told me to let go and focus on my life. Do something for myself instead of another person. Find someone who loves me more than I love her. All those things, moving on and stuff…. but I just couldn’t, I just couldn’t. I think and think and think and think so much, really thinking too much…. my mind just cant stop thinking….

      • philosiblog says:

        As hard as it may be, you will have to set her aside and focus on yourself. Any promise you made to her, you also made with yourself, so I would focus on that aspect of what you are doing. Lose the weight for you, not for her.

        The first is always the hardest to get past. Mine was so many years ago, it hardly hurts any more, but it is still there. You will get over it, eventually. At the same time, it will always be with you, even if only as a shadow. But the sooner you let her go, the sooner you will heal. By being so stubborn, you are basically pulling off the scab on a wound. Day after day, you keep after it.

        “Will it ever heal? Will it ever quit hurting?” you ask. Not until you are done messing with it. Let it be. Yes, a healing wound hurts, it also itches and feels odd. This wound was deep, and hurts a lot. But it won’t ever heal if you keep picking at it. Leave it be. I know, easier said than done, but it must be done. Unless you want to feel like this for the rest of you life, that is.

        Listen to your friends. I agree with them. 8)

  62. Vy says:

    I took my boyfriend for granted for a long time, hurt him a lot although I didn’t mean to do so. He forgave me for most of the times however at one point he couldn’t stand longer. He didn’t believe in me anymore and dumped me by suddenly disappearing (he told a mutual friend of ours that he didn’t want to hurt me so he wasn’t brave enough to say goodbye). He told me that I shouldn’t be sad because I would be his friend, however he then rarely talked to me because I was still so desperate and loved him so much. After only a short time, he jumped into a new relationship. They seem very happy. I still miss him and cry a lot but I told him that I didn’t want us to be friends, that I don’t want to waste his time. He continues to be silent and still has fun with his girlfriend. Although everybody tells me that I shouldn’t love him and miss him, I can’t stop myself. After the desperation phase, I still feel that he’s the one for me and it was the biggest mistake in my life that I didn’t believe in him and my heart. I have walked out of his life and don’t contact him anymore but on special occasions, I still send him presents anonymously (all of them are D-I-Y). I don’t know If he knows it was me that gave him the presents or If he appreciates them. Deep down inside I just want to do something good and special to him. Am I going wrong?

    • philosiblog says:

      You have to follow the path you think is right. That said, I would recommend taking a little time for yourself. Step away from him, and take care of your needs. Work on some aspect of yourself you would like to improve, not because you think he would like you better, but because you want to improve that part of you. Learn to play a new game (like Go or chess), work on your physical stamina by bicycling, running, or walking. Read a book you’ve wanted to read, but kept putting off.

      By taking some time for yourself, you can (I hope) allow yourself a slightly better perspective on your relationship. It sounds like he isn’t interested, and since it takes two to have a relationship, that kind of ends it.

      The big question is if you can handle being ‘just a friend’? Not everyone can.

      It’s probably going to get worse before it gets better, and I wish all the best for you as you undertake this journey.

  63. Love rose says:

    What is that mean i love you but if you wanna get out to this relation your free? Do you think he love me or not really.

    • philosiblog says:

      Love is a very poorly defined term in the English language. One word covers everything from mild affection, to a family bond, a bond of friendship, to the deepest bonds of the heart.

      Communication is very important. If you wish to know, you must ask them, not me. I don’t know. They might not be sure, but they can give you a better answer than I can.

      This quote is about needing two people to have a relationship. If only one wants the relationship, then it is broken, and they are free.

      I hope that made a some sense.

  64. lisa says:

    i was with my boyfriend for almost two years we broke up 2 weeks ago, because i feel my insecurites that were brought on because of anxiety caused arguments between us. Then the last time we rowed he said i dont know if i can carry on. i was shocked it had come to this, he then proceeded to come home with flowers text me a message about how he was sorry for draggin it out and i had been trying and how he loved me lets snuggle when i get home etc. In the time we argued he became friendly with a girl of which i feel filled a void and he became hot and cold. eventually after weeks of him saying love conquers all, love is not enough. and mixed up feelings chats with his mum who i feel put the your young feeling in his head. one night when i said we neeed to figure things out he then got real angry and nasty and so i felt i had no choice but to leave. i since found out he had been on a date whilst i was still in our home. even though he insisted other people wernt the problem. its out of his nature all of what happened. i came back to my parents he text saying
    he will always love me with all his heart. i did not respond. i stuck to not contacting him then another week went by and he sent me a long message with again a mixture of things…
    how he was sick of asking for peoples advice people saying dont contact me because of false hope, but he had to say something… he said things like oh my god do i love you. and its all miss placed and so frustrating because how will i ever stop being in love with you? you fit from day one what went wrong?…. i dont want to revert back to anything and im not sure sending this is a wise move. i miss the old me and you thats all.. i was ment to look after you forever and im heartbroken i cant do that….
    i dont understand what he means and a week has gone by… if he sayd those things then why cant we work on the realtonship? im worried that if i suggest this he will again pull away but im worried if i dont ….
    wow long story i know but please try and help and make some sense of it?
    i ramble so im sorry of its not clear…

    • philosiblog says:

      Don’t worry, issues of love are rarely clear. 8)

      To me, trust is the most important part of a relationship. It sounds like there was a trust issue in the past, and that it bothered you also. The question becomes what do you intend to do about it? What will he have to do to prove himself, and to show you he can keep his focus solely on you? But also understand, he is a guy, and when something walks by, he is hard-wired to look. It’s just that if he gets up and follows, then that’s a problem, right?

      Communication is important, as is trust. Will he lie to you, and tell you what he thinks you want to hear, or can you trust him to honestly discuss his feelings? Does he really miss you specifically, or does he miss having someone to snuggle with (and more, if applicable)?

      It sounds like you have a lot to sort out, and that it may be a little difficult. It sounds like he’s wanting to come back, it’s now up to you to determine if you want to go back as well.

      I wish you all the best as you look deeply into your relationship and face the future.

  65. Katja says:

    Hello. I’ve been going out with this guy for almost a year. We have had cpl occasions when he has said it is getting too serious for him. First one was, when I was gone for 3 wks due to my trip. He was acting so weird, didn’t want to have anything to do with me. But things returned to normal after the week. Latest one was 3 wks ago. He said again it was getting too serious, he wasn’t able to be in the serious relationship with anyone. He spent a fortune for Christmas presents for me. How come someone wants to spend that much money on the person if he didn’t want her to be in his life. We haven’t spend any time for about 3 wks. In his mind we broke up but his words and actions don’t go hand in hand. Because when he saw me at the grocery store a week ago, he was kissing me and hugging me and it looked like we were together. And I told him that it should not be like this. If two people care for each other so much, then they should be together. And he says, it would not be fair to be. Well, what is not fair is what I just said before. In my mind we belong together. We are a great match. I love him. And I would not have developed these feelings if I didn’t get same kind of feelings in return. I just don’t know what to do. My friends said that you should disappear for a while. Don’t post anything on FB etc It is so hard. I just wish he would be able to face his committment issues because that’s what I believe it is. What am I suppose to be doing? I am not going to give up on us. Should I just give him this space and see where the things will go? I need some serious advice. Thank you!

    • philosiblog says:

      I will help you as best I can, but I cannot be certain that I will be serious. 8)

      You know what you want, and how badly you want it. From what you describe, he isn’t as sure. Yes he want you, but (like most men) there is some concern about being committed. I imagine he will eventually come around, but this is life, and there are no guarantees.

      I would try to find out what exactly (and honestly – he may be a bit embarrassed to tell the truth) what worries him about committing to being with you. If you can help him face that fear, or if you can convince him that the fear is unfounded, you may well be able bring him around.

      I wish you luck on this most delicate of operations. Like trying to get a horse ready for saddle for the very first time, you have to be both strong and gentle. You have to be confident, yet cautious. You have to move slowly, but be ready to act in an instant. It sounds like you have him in the corral, but he’s a little skittish about the rope.

      • Katja says:

        I will do that. What was really funny and happened yesterday is that my “disappearing” had results. He sent me a text wondering what was going on since he hasn’t seen me on Facebook. He called me because I didn’t respond to his text message. He called at my work and asked if I have been at work because it is not me to be that silent. And not only that he emailed my friend and asked when she had spoken to me last. He was getting worried. And I think he missed me. So I decided to call him later that night. And we had a great normal conversation about general things. Not about us. But he asked me to bring my car over to his shop so he can take a look at it what’s wrong with it. So I will do that sometime next week. I think this all was a good sign. I know he cares about me but he obvioously also missed me. It may take a bit time but I have a strong feeling our relationship will have a new better start. And with better communication. I strongly believe so.

      • philosiblog says:

        I am happy for you. Every relationship has ups and downs. Hopefully you are done with this down cycle, and are building into the next up cycle.

        I have found that communication is very important, and I am glad to see you working on that aspect of your life, and your relationship.

      • Katja says:

        I sure will hope so. I decided to have conversation with him and just explain my feelings little better. And if he thinks he needs a little longer break, I will give it to him up to certain extent. That’s how much I love him.

  66. james says:

    hey, i was deeply and faithfully in love with a lady………and all i wanted was to marry her,have children and live happily with her till death set us apart…….she knew all this but when we disagreed on a matter which was quite micro all she told me was to move on…she doesnt explain to me anything maturely,we have already some weeks of silence……….

    • philosiblog says:

      That is a problem with communication. You think it happened, she thinks it happened, but in reality, neither really understood.

      What is ‘micro’ to you, may be very important to her. Or perhaps she has been looking to break away for a while, and this was as good of an excuse as any. I have no way of knowing.

      I wish you all the best in your future, but it appears your future will be without her. If she doesn’t want to come back, you are pretty much out of options.

  67. unluckyperson says:

    hi, i’ve just broke up with my ex girlfriend. (She broke up with me.) We have been together for about 2 years. the reason why we broke up is, because i lied to her many times about going out with my friends and i didn’t told her, and she found out and i promised her to change my personality but after a few weeks i become jealous and sensitive again. for what i’ve learnt from this broke up i really made a big mistake, it’s not her fault it’s all my fault. she gave me lots of chances but i broke it.

    i would just like to know, is there any chance for us to get back together or we could be friend?

    the reason why im not sure it’s because when we are together, she said she wont be together with her ex once we broke up or even be friend, she said why should i ? and her friend told me the same question, once she made up her mind, she would nvr turn back again. i know that she said this, but i just like to know will there be a change in her mind ? because those things she said it’s just words, will there be a chances maybe i could get back with her in the future ?

    Sorry.

    • philosiblog says:

      While I’m not a fortune teller, it seems like she is pretty sure about how she wants to deal with her former boyfriends.

      That said, one can always try. However, the first thing to do is to fix the problem which lead to the breakup in the first place. No one who has left a bad situation wants to go back to that bad situation. If you can make good on your promises and change your ways, you stand a better chance, however slim that chance may be. It won’t be easy, but at the very least you will end up with a better you as a starting point for the rest of your life.

      I wish you all the best as you start on this new chapter in your life.

      • am i being mislead? says:

        hello, Im going through it! i think its my real first love bc im in so much pain i have been with this guy 1 year & 2 months we have been through so so much we lived together at one point he has had his own place for 7momths now and i have been waiting and waiting on him to come bk ive let go a few times but he always comes after me a i keep accepting him he still lives m his own homw and i stay in mine he just moved another female in with hom but still comes around telling me how much he loves me i love him so much and im lost on what to do bc like i said i leave him alone and its like now he comes around more iv tried moving on with soneone else but he my ex comes bk crying telling me he cant see me with someone else what am i to do bc im tired of all the hurt and pain

      • philosiblog says:

        It sounds like he is having trouble making up his mind. He is living with another girl, but gets upset when he sees you with someone else? He needs to get his act together! Love has many aspects, and one of those is trust. If he wants you, he needs to give up the other(s). Let him know the choice is his, but to chose wisely.

        I wish you all the best as you try to sort out what (and whom) your future holds. Stay strong, and stay true to yourself. In all likelihood, it will get worse before it gets better. Know that, understand it, and keep your head up.

  68. here and now says:

    Hi i have a different story! my boyfriend broke up with me in November i still miss him extremely bad. We was together 6 years all the way through high school so we have the same friends.. i begged him back for two months and he wouldnt come back at all. Kept telling me he needed time.

    So here is what happened in july he had a fight with my brother (which stoled off him) so my brother took charges out on him and my family was backing my brother for everything. Which this made him lose a great job. So he started hating my family.

    I miss him terribly much i have told him how i feel about him over and over.Every since we have broken i have heard that he drinks alot and he got new friends that he didnt hang out with when we was together. i have met him a couple times but he gets mad when he finds out i have been with other guys but as just friends just hanging out. My sister texted him asking him whhat he was going to do and he said he wasnt coming back. i need advice what do i do?

    On valentines day he texted me and said happy valentines day good looking. He acts like it dont even bother him about our break up. I am in school so i am going through a rough time. When i started school he put my cell on his plan which he is still paying for my phone bill. I have not heard anyhting fom him in about a week. I love him so much and i dont understand why he left because of my family.

    • philosiblog says:

      That’s a sad story. Unfortunately, until he wants back into the relationship, there isn’t much you can do.

      Something you should ask him to clear up is his conflicting responses. If he has no claim on you, why does he get mad when he sees you with other guys? Ask him to make a choice, that he should either hold you, or let you go. Be sure you are prepared for either answer.

      Regardless of his answer, you have to keep moving forward with your life. You must continue to grow, you must continue to improve. A flower cannot grow in a cave. You must get out and be in the fresh air and the sunshine. It might be with him, and it might be without him, but you cannot stay a prisoner in a cave.

      I wish you all the best as you prepare for asking him this question, and for living your life on your terms. It will take strength, but I believe you can do it.

  69. Thomas says:

    Thank you! I needed this, my girl and I just broke up. I love her unconditionally. We’ve been together for five years. Been dating since high school. We had or ups and downs but we never cheated on one another. Our attitudes always clashed because we act alike. I broke up with her before because of it but we stayed friends. I lived the single life for a couple months and I realized what I had with her. She had problems with trusting that I wasn’t going to leave her again because she hurt so much and my attitude was an issue. I calmed down and controlled my temper but her’s stayed but our fights lasted long. We became bestfriends and are closer than family. She loves me and knows I love her but I understand her doubts. She’s confused just like I was early on. Its hard to just let someone go that you are in love with and know its mutual but I have to be mature and give her the oppurtunity that I had. We’re still young and are barely reaching our 20’s. Can you give me your insight on the situation?

    • philosiblog says:

      It took you time to grow, and it will take her time to grow. One thought is to talk to her about your experience and see what you can do to help her understand. But you must understand that we all must all take life’s journey at our own pace. When she is ready, she will take that step.

      I wish you all the best as you two sort this out. Let her know that you’ve been through something similar, and that you’re willing to help, and be prepared to wait until she is ready.

  70. Rhodinsthinker says:

    I had a situation where I met this awesome Australian girl in Laos when I was travelling and she was everyhing i could ever hope for in a girl, funny, sexy, cute great for a laugh. As we were travelling diff directions we only had a short period of time together but i knew i tried to pursue this girl it would end in the way you stated to try and possess love would push it away. What we had was special as it was and went our separate ways but stayed in contact for a full 2 years. I ended up getting a job in France and she was working in London after we finished travelling. A few weeks back she contacted me wanting to visit. She came out to Paris and we had a great 2 days. However it was only on the final day she told me she had a boyfriend that I had been on her mind for so long and because i didnt act she thought i didnt care but now it was too late. If you love someone and let it go, it may come back to you only to remind you that you should have acted sooner. The foundation of this quote is sound though. People have to be free to choose to love, you cant force someone to love you. Cheers for the insight.

    • philosiblog says:

      Take heart. It sounds like she now knows of your feelings. Not all relationships are forever, and her present boyfriend might not last. And now you are on her radar, should she begin looking again. Keep in touch, and see what develops. You never know…

  71. Anonymous says:

    Philosiblog,
    In reference to the comment in which I posted on February 5th. My situation remains the same, we still text here and there but I don’t see any progress. It has been about 2 months already since I came back in her life. I feel she has lost that fire and ambition inside her in order to push for something with me. It is killing me to keep being here, trying day in and day out. I feel like I have given my all, I’m mentall exhausted. We have gone out on three outtings, but she is still with the other guy. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. If you can steer me in the right direction. I just want to know whether to close the chapter and move on with my life.

    • philosiblog says:

      My advice to you would be to continue with your life. You must continue to develop and grow as an individual, or you become stale or unhealthy.

      As for closing the chapter, I would let her chose that part of it. Let her know how you feel, and that you are at the end of your rope. She needs to make a decision, and once she has, your path should be clear.

      It will be a rough patch for you either way, so stay strong. My best thoughts and wishes will be with you in this difficult time.

  72. GIFTED says:

    Really Good article, Grattitude!! I(26) met this wonderful female(23) last year in september an we were friends/dating for about 3-4 months, an the feeling she felt for me were really strong, but she wasnt ready to tell me that she loved me or that she really liked me,but she would always say I feel so comfortable around you,its like I can talk to about anything an it feels like Ive known you for years.. I mean she met when I just moved, had no employment, she would drive me places by me food etc.. (no sex was invovled, I just believe in waiting till Im married an she knew that).. Now you would think that I would take all that as she cared but instead deep inside I was jus waiting for something to go wrong,an sometimes she I would get angry at her for reasons that werent valid,an she still cared alot never diminished until one day I text her on facebook ( had no cell or house phone) After she text me I know your goin through something right now but I want you to know that Im just a phone call away an A house down(yes she lived a house down wit her aunt an I lived in a house with my mother my sisters an borthers).. before I tell u what I text, I’ll say that through the time when we were together I was afraid of getting hurt again an I would try to find ways, to myself, to show she didnt care an that she only liked me cause I can sing an Im a singer/songwriter plus I was angry that I could find work an at times cause she was doing so much for felt usless to her.. Now back to what I test, I text back an said If u really cared you would find come to my house an find out whats wrong with me( she had stop coming to my house cause an incident had occured between my mother an her aunts friend that was living with us at the time cause she didnt have enough room long story short my had to end upasking her to leave, so she wasnt coming to the house cause she said she wanted things to die down with her aunt) I think you should just do your own thing take care of your son an move on all will be alright, she text back reall mad an hurt.. after that she picked me up an we went to a park so we can talk as she went off on me like Ive never seen before, last thing she said was i still want us to be friends but we need alot of work in order to ber together an that words cut deep so me apologizing is not gonna just the wound I cause heal.. Im a real idoit I know, But we still speak i sometimes she comes here or i see her but i cant tell If she loves me the same way, she did text me she loved for the first time after what happened but she wont show me how much she cares an frankly I dont know if she does.. its funny cause thing happened after I hurt her like metting her mom,an her son her texting me she loves, an she even likes me to watch her son for an hour 3 days out of the week even though her cousin gets paid to watch him.. this past valentines day I wrote an recorded her a song an bought her somethings, afterwards she came to my house an smiling thanking me for the song sayin it was the best gift anybodies ever given her (her birthday is the next day also so she counts it has a valentine/birthday gift) an she huged me an talk for a bit, an she looked surprized when I told her I loved her,( she didnt say it back though) then I said Im always think about you she said yea right, but when I said Im just waiting for u heart to love me, she suck her teeth started smilling an walk back to her car( she was smiling alot as she was leaving cause I kept telling her I loved her… Do you think she still loves me?? an I just gotta be patient an an let her come back to me on her on or should i just stop trying to show that i love her an stp trying to get her back.?. I know this was very long an thank you if you read it…

    • philosiblog says:

      Here’s a question for you. You have spent a great deal of time explaining all this to me, have you explained all of this to her? You are asking me a question for which I have no answer. I believe it would do you far more good to ask the question of her.

      Just remember that love has many degrees and flavors, and that she may not love you with the same flavor or intensity that you love her. Because of that, I would avoid asking the question in a yes/no format, but instead explain where you are coming from, and ask her to do the same.

      Also try to keep in mind that if she isn’t as sure as you are, that she may change her mind over time. It sounds like you are far more ready for the relationship than she is, so you may have to wait for her. It may take a while. But you won’t know until you ask.

  73. SG8 says:

    Okay, so here is my story.
    I have known and loved a girl since my 10th grade. For the first few years, we were sort of on again-off again relationship because she needed time to clear things with her ex and I was away to another city during high school. But we used to talk a lot.
    After we got into college,we got back together. But I was still away, in a different college. For the last three years we have been together. Our colleges are a 12 hour ride apart and I used to go to meet her every other weekend.
    Fast forwarding to what happened 3 months ago, is that she lied to me about a very small issue but I made into a big thing and told her I need some time off till you gain back my trust.
    I was very rude to her and made her cry several times, which I shouldn’t have. But slowly things were getting back to normal, suddenly one night we had a big fight on phone and I made her cry again.
    We didn’t speak to each other for like 10 days. After that I felt guilty and I called her and wanted to make things right. She on the other hand said to me that she has moved on now and she interested in someone else, like a rebound thing or something.
    I even went to her college to meet her, but she didn’t want to see me. She even changed her number, blocked me from Facebook.
    Although she does calls me up from her old number when something serious comes up like family issues etc. I even talked to her about what is she doing with the new guy and all, to which she replied I know I won’t feel for anyone else like I did for you, And I know its a rebound thing and all.

    I am heartbroken, filled with regret. She is my only love and I have known her since my childhood. I mean every body deserves a second chance, right?
    Its been 6 years since we have known each other, how can it be so easy for her to leave me like this. I never left her. Is this just a temporary thing? Does she just wants some space for some time or what?
    I can wait for her as long as she wants me to.
    But tell me what do you think?

    • philosiblog says:

      Sadly, I do not know the answers to the questions. Even worse, I don’t think the girl knows either. Time will tell.

      In the mean time, you need to continue to work on yourself, your studies and your life. You will have to determine how many of her phone calls you will take, as she seems to be using you for a very one-sided relationship. Yes, it leaves the door open for the future, but in the mean time, it leaves your heart raw and bleeding. You are the only one who can determine what you believe is the most appropriate path.

      Odds are that it will get worse before it gets better, but you will survive. My thoughts and best wishes will be with you as you work your way through this challenging portion of your relationship.

      • SG8 says:

        She called last night!!!
        We chit chatted for like 30 min. Just casual stuff.

        What does this mean? I mean What the hell is she doing?
        She calls me up from the old number, talks to me and changes back the number. I mean don’t I get a say in this?
        I feel handicapped. More importantly, is she on her way back to me?

        PS : It felt very content after talking to her.

      • philosiblog says:

        Congratulations on making contact and keeping it relaxed.

        What does it mean? I have no idea. You’d get a much more useful answer from her.

        As for whether she is in the process of heading back to you, again, I don’t know. However, you have opened the door for her to step forward. I would advise against rushing or pushing her. Consider it more like trying to get a cat to come in. What can you do to entice her? What can you do to help her make the decision you would like for her to make?

        Most importantly, you’re feeling good about this first step. It will take many more steps, and she may not be willing to take them all, just yet. Keep working on becoming the best person you can be, and see what happens.

      • SG8 says:

        Okay! so after few days of talking and convincing, the bottom line is that in coming months if she realizes that she loves me and only me, then there is a chance of us getting back together. I have got to pray that she does realize that without me being in touch with her and she being involved with that rebound guy.

        Its an uphill faith to keep.
        But they say, If its love, no matter what it stays love.

        tell me something on how to keep my faith going strong?

      • philosiblog says:

        Personally, I don’t like to set myself up for even the possibility of failure. There is always the possibility, however slim, that she will not chose to come back. Think of the disappointment you would feel if that were to happen. Instead, I would stay focused on improving yourself, becoming a better person, the best possible person you can be at the moment.

        Understand that the decision is hers and hers alone. You have no power to force her to do anything. I would focus on her making the best possible decision for her, for her future and her sake. If that includes you, wonderful. If not, at least she will be in the best place for her at this time.

        In this way, no matter what, you have won. Even if you don’t get the girl, you have helped her find herself and move to the next part of her life. While the rewards aren’t as great, there is a satisfaction that will come with time.

        It’s not easy at the time, but life will go on, and you will remember her far more fondly than if you expect her to come back and she does not. Which path better serves her, and which path better serves you? I hope you have reached the same conclusion that I did so many years ago, and help her find her best path forward, for her sake.

  74. sad&confused says:

    My boyfriend and I have had a solid relationship for almost 7 years. We met when I was 15 and he was 17. He became so close to my family, and I to his. (He has always said that people in his family don’t bring a girl or guy home to meet the family unless they intend to marry them.) He was always a kind and compassionate person but the last few years I noticed him drawing back from me a lot. He openly expressed that he fears the idea of marriage because it is so permanent and he wants to be absolutely sure before he proposes. Even though we have talked about marriage before and he told me more than once he wanted to marry me one day. He even started taking my father out to get to know him better. However, he started spending a lot more time without me, mostly with his buddies at bars. They became much more of a priority over me and it caused a lot of issues. In the past 6 months we would fight a lot about this and he would tell me I’m being demanding and controlling over him. The fight that finally broke the straw off the camels back was when I asked him politely to just spend one saturday night with me watching a movie. He absolutely refused and it broke my heart. The next day he told me he needed space and that I was pressuring him too much. He told me we weren’t on the same page with our feelings for one another and that he needed time to think, but knows we will be together again someday. It took me by surprised and of course I was devastated. I wasn’t sure what else to do, so I let him go and have the space he needed. It’s been a little over a month now and he hasn’t contacted me. I’m trying to move on with my life and am open to meeting new people but fear the thought of him never coming back. We have been through so much together. Do you believe there will ever be a chance of him coming back? And if he does is it truly meant to be? Or will he just get scared all over again?

    • philosiblog says:

      There truly is no way to tell, besides waiting for things to clear up. I know that’s not much help, but that is the truth.

      He will be ready when he is ready. In the mean time, I would recommend you continue with your life. Continue to grow and experience new things. If something develops with someone else, you will need to consider what that does with your other relationship. If he is seen with others, you will have to decide what that does to that relationship.

      The one thing I would recommend against is simply sitting by the phone, with your life on hold, waiting for him to call back. This will be a rough time, and my thoughts and best wishes will be with you, as you sort this all out.

      • No longer sad&confused says:

        Hello,

        I am replying to this comment a few months later because I thought I would let you and everyone else know that the title of this article is sincerely true, and it ended up working out for me. My boyfriend came back almost 2 months later crying, even with a ring. Our relationship is now better then ever. Those 2 months were a struggle for me, but I completely cut off all contact since the day we broke up and didnt force anything. It allowed him time to realize his mistake and know that we are truly meant to be! Everyone is different but sometimes I believe you have to allow things to just be in order to learn and grow. Thanks again

      • philosiblog says:

        Thanks for sharing your results. I’m glad things worked out for you. And that’s the beauty of the quote, it is self supporting.

        However, the quote makes no guarantee of the future. People change constantly, and if a couple doesn’t put any effort into growing together, odds are they will grow apart. You have completed the first step of a very long journey. I wish you all the best, and urge you to stay strong and to continue to work on your life, both as an individual and as a couple.

        Life’s journey is rarely smooth, so it is (in my opinion) of great benefit to make a sturdy foundation for yourself as a person, and for your relationship as well.

  75. Catlovebear says:

    i just broke up with my boyfriend for 7 months yesterday. We met online and had long distance relationship. I ever lied to him but he is forgave me and give me second chance. i know that we love each other so much and we talk about our future together. sometime when he is busy with his school or project he is become so cold to me. And he will ignore me, its make us fight and argue, yeah im so childish and needy. Before break up i call him and text him all the time but he is not respond he said he is busy study for exam. then after a week suddenly he respond and said he dont love me anymore and im such a burden for him. I ask him, since when he dont love me, he said he dont know maybe last week. that time when he is avoid me, because of his exam. i love him so much, and im not sure he dont love me because i know he love me so much. Does he tired of my needy behaviour? Or maybe he just angry to me? Now i become friend with him, how to get him back?

    • philosiblog says:

      The only thing I can be sure of is that he isn’t interested in the same kind of relationship. He has left, and that is the situation you find yourself in at the moment.

      As for how to get him back, I don’t know. One possible way is to try to entice him the same way as when you first met. If he came on to you, that probably won’t work.

      While you try to figure out how you plan to move forward with your attempts to get him to come back, consider working on yourself, and growing as a person. You cited some things you did that annoyed him. I doubt he wants back into a relationship where you will do the exact same things all over again, right? Consider what you can do to improve yourself. A better you might be part of what he is looking for.

      This will be a rough time for you, and I wish you all the best as you work your way through it.

      • Catlovebear says:

        He contact me yesterday… He ask if i have new boyfriend or not? And he ask if i talk to another guy. i answer no, the last guy i have contact was him. But he not believe me, and then now he avoid me again?
        He said bad word to me
        What does it mean?

      • philosiblog says:

        I’m not sure what it means, but it sounds like he has some serious problems. It sounds like he will continue to behave this way until he matures. There is no telling how long that will take, as there are completely grown men that still act that way. I would say that it is not a very good sign. Ask yourself if you want to put up with being treated this way for the rest of your life, or if you are better off looking for someone who will treat you better.

        In the end, it will be your decision, but I think you know what is best for you, even if it gives you some pain in the mean time.

  76. ghella marie carreon says:

    Hi philosiblog!
    I’m in a very hard situation of accepting the fact that I have to let go of someone. This guy’s a baptist and I’m a catholic, and he’s pretty sure there wouldn’t be really a future for the both of us. He has very strict parents, reared in a very conservative family, and a pure baptist. He explained to me that it is not just as simple as me, being converted as a baptist as well, because even if I do, still, his parents won’t allow him to have a relationship with someone who’s not a pure baptist.
    I’m just in the stage of confusion why he wnet back. We were actually in a relationship 2 years ago. The relationship was really through rocks, we don’t see each other that much, there are even times when I don’t get to talk or text him because of certain reasons (e.g family). After 7 months, the relationship ended because he was not able to graduate, so he was grounded, and was already suspected having relationship with a girl. For the reason that we won’t be able to talk to each other anymore, he just decided to break up with me. I was really in devastation that time, I was left confused on what really happened and why it have to end. We never had a chance to talk things over since his cellphone was confiscated. But one thing’s clear, it was over. Had a hard time coping up with the situation, it really broke my heart. We did not have any communication, facebook, texts or whatsoever and that lasted for 1 year and 6 months. And then suddenly, ‘coz of a friend who’s the same person that led him to me, and me to him, we had the chance to communicate again through text. And it felt like all the feelings are back again. We were both really happy, I know, and we even have more than just mutual understanding. We’re like boyfriend-girlfriend just except that we decided not to get into the formal relationship. But everything seems right, we’re both happy and in love with one another. It’s been 6 months from then, and now, I have to face the pain of losing him again. We had a chance to talk about what’s really in store for us, but it felt like there’s really none. He’s telling me that no matter what we do, the relationship cannot be. He’s a baptist and I’m a catholic; parent’s would not accept even conversion if in any case. We’re in the point of really accepting that there’s no sense in continuing what we have started since we’ll just have to end it again sooner or later. I’m in the stage of wondering why he has to come back and then just have to leave me again. Will he come back for the third time around? It hurts the most when everything feels just so right, you both love each other so deeply, but it just cannot be. I’m wondering if you still see hope in our situation? I don’t know whether to hope or to just let go.

    Thank you so much for taking time to read.

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like his family has made the decision for him. Until he is willing to step clear of them and make his decision, I don’t see how you will ever convince his parents (based on the information you provided). It seems, sadly, to be just that simple.

      I don’t see how it can be made to work. If you can handle being just friends with him, and move on with your life, it might be a great friendship. If it causes too much pain, you will probably have to just let him go.

      Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but that’s what I see, based on your comment. It won’t be easy, but if you stay strong and true to yourself, your heart will heal. Eventually.

  77. Natasha says:

    Hi, Ive been dating this guy for about a year he respected me and loved me but for some reason we had to break up. we still we keep in touch , now im in a relationship for 2 years but i still love my ex. im not that 100 percent happy with my current bf , . we still contact each other me and my ex . i dont know what to do i dont want to decide the wrong man . help me pls

    • philosiblog says:

      That’s a sticky situation. If the ex isn’t ready, and you’re in another relationship, you should let the ex go. If you can’t, then you should let the current guy go. Trying to work both of them at the same time isn’t fair to either of the guys, nor is it the best thing for you. Take some time, and consider what you want to do. You might also want to talk to each of the guys and figure out where you stand with each of them. But I believe you should make up your mind as to whether you are serious about your ex, or whether you will let him go.

  78. Pararulz says:

    In my case, it has yet even been a start..
    I saw this guy’s DP on facebook (we have NO common friends or whatsoever) I thought he was cute and that was it. Then on one fine day, I caught him on the street. We were just randomly walking passed each other. This world is actually smaller then I thought. Well, my country might be not that big, or I mean, my city is just the same size of a tiny bean..
    Not saying that I am a popular girl. But I obviously have quite a lot of random admirers. I am a mid-twenty girl but I don’t think I have had any kind of committed or serious relationships. It comes to the point that I actually think there might be some problems with me. I just cannot accept any men.. There’s nothing regarding the look, or background, or money.. It’s simple that I do not have any sort of those butterflies feelings with them. I am a quite driven girl, I do know what I want most of the time.. so I better have the right thing, or nothing at all.. Staying true to myself is that’s all I could really do..
    Saying this much, I just want to make it clear that how strongly I know where I am heading to when it comes to love matter..
    But somehow for this literal stranger, I’ve developed such a strong feeling and strangely, I got some high expectation for a stable relationship with that guy (Yes, I am still talking about a stranger I’ve met a few times on the street)
    I guess I have become a stalker. I did everything I could to get in contact with his friends, I found out where he possibly worked at, I waited at the same place we last met for hours, hoping I could catch a glimpse of him.. And now it is confirmed that he’s already in a relationship with one of the hottest girl I’ve ever met in town..
    I do sound like I am a desperate psycho lol.. When I found out about his girlfriend couple days ago, it’s also the day I got hired in my dream company located in a different State. I’m moving to a whole new place in couple weeks..
    Everything I need now is TIME, I reckon..
    My heart is broken into a thousand pieces because of a random dude.. Very nice..
    He doesn’t even know my existence .. Even better for my fairy-tale story lol

    I’m, planning to work there for at least 4 years..
    I saw this quote last night and it was somewhat helpful..
    Maybe after 4 years, if the guy’s still there, if he’s single again, and if I’m still alive, I could just go check if he’s actually mine.. You reckon??

    • philosiblog says:

      Life can be like that sometimes. It sounds like you have little to lose, so why don’t you introduce yourself to him? You don’t have to go into the stalking part. 8)

      Who knows, he may be looking to get out of the relationship, or even the city. If nothing else, you can always follow up on FB and see if you can be a friend.

      Congratulations on the new job, and good luck with the guy!

  79. natalie says:

    Hi– I have just come out of a 6 year relationship- living together, he told me that he no longer loves me and doesnt see a future with me– i find this all very confusing as he sold his house so we could move closer to my family, he has taken me overseas numerous times and our families were very close – he changed about 6 months ago, he used to be very emotional and all that and become this complete different person, not only towards me towards everyone- we had an amzing time in Dec and were even planning an overseas trip in March- the night before he asked me to leave he told me he loves me– when i ask what the reasons are he says he wishes he knew–Iknow for a fact there is no one else -he keeps telling me to move on, and if its meant to be it will be- if I dont contact him he sends me text messages to have a good day etc he has also just lost his job– he recently put an eye with a tear on his status and a blckhole- when I asked why he did that he says he has no reason and it meant nothing??I think he may be going through a mid life crisis he is 42 or through major deppression– I just dont know how to handle the situation any advise PLEASE

    • philosiblog says:

      Sounds like he’s going through a rough time of some sort. I have no way of knowing whether it’s work related, if it’s a mid-life crisis or if it’s something more serious. I would recommend you try to talk to him about what might have caused the change, but be prepared to be rebuffed. Guys generally don’t like to talk about that sort of stuff. In fact, it may well be the reason why he is pushing you away, so that he doesn’t have to talk about it.

      That he wants out is pretty obvious. Why he does, that is the question. You may never get a satisfactory answer. Stay strong, and take care of yourself first. If you can help him, good. If not, understand that there is only so much you can do.

      • natalie says:

        Thanks so much for the quick response ! We have met numerous times for us to discuss what went wrong and why, yet he keeps telling me he wishes he knew and if its meant to be it will be. What exactly does that mean. I love this man so much, he has hardly any friends and just keeps saying he wants to be alone. Is he playing mind games by sending me messages all the time asking how I am?? I mean really how can I be? Do u think we have a chance of being together or do I just ignore him and let go ??

      • philosiblog says:

        Wow, I wish I knew. Until he gets things squared away at his end, I don’t see how you can be of much help. I might suggest that you consider how to remain in touch, but it looks like he wants some space for now.

        While he is sorting his life out and working on himself, I would recommend you do the same. Yes, you care for him, so you will spend some time thinking of him and being concerned for him. But I implore you to not put your life on hold and center yourself around his needs. You have needs as well, and I believe they must be your primary focus.

        It won’t be easy, but I believe you can do it. You just have to stay strong, and know that there are people who are in your corner and wishing you all the best.

      • natalie says:

        Thanks a lot !! My head is telling me to forget him and just let him go_ my heart is telling me to not give up- somehow I believe we meant to be together forever– maybe I am living in a dream world- I know that nobody has the answers except him. Just wish there was an easier way to make things right !!

      • philosiblog says:

        You can do both, up to a point. Keep him in your heart, you don’t have to hate him, right? But focus, for the moment at least, on yourself, and work on you, not him.

        Keep up the good work, and remember there will be good days and bad days. Life is like that. Persevere.

  80. lalabeau16 says:

    Thanks philosiblog! 🙂
    Maybe it won’t really work, not until he’s already willing to fight for me and for the relationship if ever. But he has really strict parents, I don’t know if there will be any chance that he will go against on what his’ parents want and instilled on him. Even though I’m still hopeful that one day we’ll find a way on how to make it work, like communicate with his parents and so, maybe it’s better to just let it go for now. We’ve both decided to be friends starting today, it’s just hard to bear everyday thinking and feeling that things aren’t the same as it was yesterday.

    Thanks much again 🙂

    • philosiblog says:

      It looks like you have found the wisdom behind the quote, at least as I understand it. Breaking up is never fun, but if you can keep a friendly relationship going in the mean time, perhaps he will find a way to cut the apron strings and make his own decisions. I wish you all the best.

  81. margareth says:

    Thank you so much Philosiblog, what if my ex still messaging me on facebook, greeting me on valentines, still reminiscing our past but don’t want to work out on fixing things up, he said he need time for himself, and he want me to stand by.. is it better to not answer him anymore and set him free by not letting me express my true feeling ( I’m so hurt but I’m still here for him)and block him, or do I have to be patient and let things and time work for us?

    • philosiblog says:

      It is hard to say what is the best course. He obviously has some issues he needs to work through. The question is what are you going to do in the mean time? Do you want to end it, try to keep it alive, or perhaps just let it be? He has put you in control. You need to do what is right for you. That includes balancing between your heart and your head. What you want, what you need, and what you long for are probably three different things.

      Personally, I would take the path that does the least damage to the relationship (if you desire the possibility of reconciliation) and spend the time working on improving yourself.

      The path forward is not going to be easy, but it is always possible to make decisions that make it harder. Try to keep some space, and work on yourself. What will happen will happen. When you think you and he are ready, give it a try. Until then, take it easy and see what develops.

      • margareth says:

        thank you so much, it means a lot to me, so I just have to do what is right and not listen for what I feel,, I wonder how unconditional love will do, and I know that sometimes it is easier to make new relationships than to fix the old one… maybe it’s all in God s hands. but thank you , so much this experince is giving me nightmares every night with him not wanting him. now I just really have to work on myself

      • philosiblog says:

        Thanks for listening, but allow me to clarify. I don’t want you to ignore your feelings. What I want you to do is have your feelings take a back seat, and leave the driving to your logic and pragmatic side. You should always give some consideration from what your feelings, but I would advise against allowing your feelings to make the decisions for you.

        Stay strong, and stay true to yourself.

  82. Katja says:

    Hi again. I told you about my situation while back how I’ve been dating this 42 yr old man for almost a year. (I am 39.) And I thought we would have future together but he says that it’s getting too serious for him and he can’t be in this kind of relationship with anyone. And recently he decided that he can’t be with me. But everytime when he has seen me ever since he has been huggy and kissy. I decided to keep my distance for him and when had not heard from me for few days he went looking for me with cats and dogs. Called me, texted me, called my work, emailed my friend and my mom asking has anyone heard anything from me since it is not like me to be this quiet. I know he cares about me a lot, I think he even loves me but he is not capable of saying it out loud nor admitting it to himself. I told him recently that he loves me, and I love him and we should be together. He went all quiet. Normally silence is yes, right? But he has decided that it’s too serious and is now pursueing less serious relationships I guess. This absolutely breaks my heart because everything was so good between us. We had lots of fun. There were no complaints. We had couple arguments here and there and mostly it was that he needed a space. I gave it to him. I never pressured him to marry me or to have kids with me. Never mentioned moving-in together. Unless my behavior said opposite, I don’t know. I’ve been so good to him. I don’t cheat, he said it is so big he can trust me 100%, I am funny, loving and everything girl should be. So why in the world we are not together? I told him him that grass is not greener on the other side of the fence, and if he wants to explore those 3-5 month relationships, go ahead. But at the end of the day he will be a very lonely man. I feel he is so stubborn and immature that he just doesn’t see things like they should be seen.I wish he will realize that he is making mistake. I can’t obviously change his mind. But after all what has happened my intution is so strong that I feel one day he will come back knocking at my door. I have been told that my prayers will be answered that would be it that we will be together again.
    The other thing is that I applied for American Airlines flight attendant school in Dallas, Texas. He read it on Facebook. He called me next day asking what the heck was this flight attendant thing all about. That I have friends and family here who love me. That he doesn’t think it would be a good idea and just looking after me. Then he was asking when am I going to bring my car over to get it fixed. Said on Wednesday ’cause Thursday I got plans. And he is all curious what kind of plans I have. I just said plans. And he keeps asking what kind of plans etc. I feel like he wants to keep me around but because of his commitment issues he just can’t be with me because I want a serious relationship and not just a hoohaa 4-month deal. My friends say that he is selfish, it’s all about him, he is immature. What do you think? What am I supposed to do now? I obviously won’t hang out at home but it is so hard when your heart is wrapped around this person. And knowing that I didn’t develop all these feelings toward him if I didn’t get same kind of feelings in return. Please help me. Thank you!

    • philosiblog says:

      From your description, it sounds like he’s having a mid-life crisis. You didn’t mention his past, if he is recently out of a long term relationship, but that would be my guess from his behavior. It will take him some time to get things his act together.

      It sounds like he liked the easy-going relationship, but started to feel (whether it was from you or from his expectation of the trajectory of a relationship) that things were getting too serious.

      What would I do? I’d give him the space, but clearly communicate with him what your rules are. You need to take care of yourself, and that does not include being yanked around by his insecurities and uncertainties. Let him know that you are willing to allow him his space, but that you need space as well. Come to some agreement on what is an appropriate amount of contact. E-mail, phone, text. How often and when.

      It sounds like he’s used to getting his way. He may not appreciate assertiveness, but I believe you need to take care of you first. It looks like you’re doing some things to explore yourself and improve yourself. There’s nothing like travel to add some excitement to your life. However, from what I understand, being a flight attendant is not exactly vacation style travel, even with layovers.

      Be strong, and continue to take care of yourself. Everything else will fall into place, eventually. At least that is my belief.

      • Katja says:

        Well, we were together for a year and now he wants out. That was his longest relationship for a while. In the past they have been cpl months long. But he sticked with me for a year. I know he is chatting with someone now. And I told him he was making the biggest mistake because the grass is not greener on the other side. But I can’t put thoughts into his head. I know he loves me but for some reason is so scared when things gets too serious. Just like you said. But time will tell. I still believe he will come back to me. But in the meantime, I will explore my life.

      • philosiblog says:

        Thanks for sharing with us. It’s not always easy, but that’s life. Stay focused on taking care of you, and the rest will sort itself out. My thoughts are with you, stay strong!

  83. Abigail Corner says:

    Thank you so much for your article philosiblog, I just want to share my experience with you, I met this guy for 3 years over the internet until we met and we both were really attracted to each other, when he came and visit me (he lives 3,000 miles away) everything was a total mess 😦 the car broke down… we were stuck … got lost etc.. everyday was a very big deal, and he has a really frustrated and with an angry face which when he mentioned “How retarded” I thought it was directed to me and everyday when I saw his cranky face made me extremely frustated and upset since I was the host and I some way or another wanted him to feel happy… he mentioned that it was the language (which here is spanish) and other things that he was not used to that made him act that way.. however I do believe that if you truly are interested in someone you fight for it, ok.. I’ll try to make this story short well he was always the type of guy that if you showed a tiny bit if interest he would act like a toffee nose, and suddenly when I was starting to even forget that he existed he made his interest very clear and always try to compliment me, I thought that was going to change if we met in person since my thoughts were that he probably was confused and so on…well he indeed is my first boyfriend (I’m 23) and he was actually my first kiss.. when he got back to his hometown his behaviour got worse and we no longer spoke to each other everyday, his excuse was that he is trying to focus on his studies and work harder, and that we might be perfect for each other in a future, but prob not at this moment, so I decided to let him go .. what do you think?

    • philosiblog says:

      I think you have had an interesting start to your romantic life. I like to think of life as an experiment in juggling. How many times do you drop the balls before you get good? You have had one try, and the balls fell down. Pick yourself back up and try again. 8) Life is about learning, and you are on that path.

      It sounds like he’s done with you, so let him be. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you deserve the best. Throw that one back and get back to fishing. Eventually you will catch a ‘keeper.’ But until then, use each experience as a learning experience, and get better and better.

  84. Doris says:

    “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”
    Hi Philosiblog,
    Thank you for holding up this blog, reading through it has really cleared things for me on true love and that it’s not owned, nor, it cannot be taken but is truly given by another. And if you love someone you really have to let him or her choose: “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.” Two sides of true love must happen if it’s really meant to last that lifetime. I understand now how my partner sees that my true love for him never existed and why he gave up on me today. I hurt the one I love deeply two years ago, I realized too late what I really had and what I wanted out of him would have come in time. He broke up with me back then and I chose to not give up and to never let go. So after 10 months of intense work I got him back, but not the old him or his whole heart. Looking back at it now, I should have given him space right after I broke his heart, and most importantly for him to come back wanting it too, as much as I did and do. I thought fighting for the one you love was the only answer then; I guess you cleared that when you mentioned in a previous blog that it does not work if the other person is not fighting the storm with you. To some extent I believe he agreed because he was happy to see that the tables have turned and that I was all about the relationship this time around, and was going to provided him with the love he deserved. As time went on he was changing in to the man I want all along, he was more busy with his life and goals except now; I’m no longer the woman he wants because I have not changed. I have, to the point where I would never cheat on him again but I have not done anything to really earn his trust back. He does not trust me at all. Altogether now it’s been almost 2 years and the small things trigger his memory like in our mutual workplace. I thought we have patched the scare, but it seems it’s still fresh, like it happen yesterday. Anyway he wants his freedom and I’m ready to set him free, to see his happiness is all I care about. I hope that one day he may see a greater change in me and we reconnected spiritually. I really love him, and pray to be forgiven, I miss his love. I know I will now have to focus on my life in order to become the best me I can be and be patient. I know he believes in this quote, I just hope I’m on the other side of his rainbow or that he may receive the pot of gold he deserves. Can this happen if we work together? And have I lost him forever?

    • philosiblog says:

      I have no answers for you. You seem to understand this at least as well as I. You seem to be ready to take the actions I would recommend. There is little I can offer you, except encouragement.

      No one knows what the future holds. About the only thing of which we can be reasonably certain is that not letting him go will only drive him away. Whether he comes back or not depends on him wanting to come back, and you becoming someone he would like to be with. I believe you know what to do next.

      Be strong, and work on yourself. Not for him, but for you. When the real you comes out, things will improve. It might not be with him, but perhaps someone else. I went through several heart-wrenching breakups before I found my wife. Love will find you, but only when you are ready will it truly reveal itself to you.

  85. Sophia says:

    Hello,

    I have been with my partner for seven years, things were going great recently no problems. However a bit of background he lives with some of his family here and they have always has an issue with me (not sure why) anyways he moved out with me last year and when I got home for work yesterday he broke up with me and moved back to his old house.
    He said he wasn’t in love with me a d he knew he didn’t want to marry me so he wasn’t satisfied. He said he felt bad because when he saw the way I looked at him he knew I loved him so much. This breaks my heart, because I obviously want him back.
    I feel so stupid because I begged him to stay but he wouldn’t. We’ve had this sort of the happen a year or so ago but he stayed. He said he’s been trying for years to love me back but he just can’t. He said he loves me like a good friend. Is there a way I can get him back ? What do I do ? He is such an amazing person, everyone thinks so. I don’t want to be without him. Do I make contact or do I let him go ? It’s so hard. I’ve been physically sick since this happened. I guess maybe because its still raw but how do I heal my heart ? Everyone thought we were so happy and good together.

  86. Abigail Corner says:

    Thank you so much, what I do not know and I would’ve wanted to know is if he actually left me because we didn’t have any intimacy , or you know what I mean? before I cut him off he said this The biggest thing I have issues with is the long distance,Another thing that makes me think that is that your very square or literal…not sure if that makes sense and where I am not….but maybe that’s a good thing.

    But I think as for me I am not wanting a relationship at this moment, I want to concentrate on work and continuing my studies. So it could be just my mind thinking in that state of not wanting a relationship making me think it wouldn’t work.
    I truly am attracted to you both physically and emotionally. The physical is strong but the emotional needs to grow by spending time together….

    I don’t know if he meant this because all of the problems that we had that we were constantly fighting or well not fighting but frustrated 😦 or what if he has someone else (when I asked him why he changed) he said that he had more responsibilities, new experiences and a wider change of knowledge?

    I do want to mention Mr. Philosiblog, that he at first mentioned to me that he wanted me to move in (which I am a bit reluctant with that) and we had sort a fight before he came because I am a bit different , and we were discussing about cultures and he got to the conclusion that it was maybe just here because back in his place they move in before they get “engaged” ,

    Could this have been the problem , I mean we had a Long distance relationship for 3 years , I don’t know what happened

    Thanks so much , Bless your heart

    • philosiblog says:

      Well, it sounds like you’ve got the lines of communication opened up. It sounds like the basics of some of your problems are now being discussed, and issues are being resolved. That’s a huge step forward.

      As for moving in with him, if I understand this correctly, he wants to go straight from long-distance to co-habitation? That’s probably a little quick, but it is something you will have to determine. That will depend on what you feel, not towards him, but about the move. If you’re not comfortable with it, talk to him about it, and see if he’s willing to wait a few months before taking that step (or whatever time frame you are comfortable with).

      It sounds like you’re off to a good start. My only recommendation would be to not go too fast, just to please him. Be true to yourself first, and the rest will follow.

  87. Confuse says:

    Hi, I need all the advise I can get.

    I’ve met this guy (21) online and we have been out on dates and he have seen my parents and are always spending time at my house. He is a decent guy and when we are out on a date he is always snatching to pay for the food and movie. We act like a couple when we are out on date, where we will hold hand,kiss and hug. He said he like me but I know he recently just broke up with his ex and he said he can’t forget about his ex when we just met but after afew month he seem better and he knows that his ex has got a new guy already. He seem genuine on dating me as he care about my relationship with my sister and insist on making our (me and my sister) relationship better and he make promises on where we will go on when he is free and ask me to meet with his friends and jokingly ask me to meet his mom. But this past week he have been a bit weird. Usually we will text when he is free and he will initiate the text and let me know he is free. At night he will ask me to call him however, this week he had been quite quiet with the texting and I had to ask him if he is free to text or call. The other problem is he seems to really mind about my weight. He make comment like when I’m 50kg then we can become official. I’m on diet before I even met him and he knows about it so I’m not sure if he is trying to encourage me or what… I know that something is bothering him the entire week but he doesn’t seem willing to share hence I did not push him but yesterday he suddenly text me saying I should not wait for him. What should I do now? I told him when he is ready or want to make it work then let me know mean while I will be his friend while keeping my opinion open… Should I let him go and stop contacting him?

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like he hasn’t quite gotten over his ex. He may be using any excuse to put some distance between the two of you so that he doesn’t feel as bad about breaking up with you (if that is what he is doing, it didn’t sound very clear).

      I would continue to work on becoming a better person and, as you were doing before, continuing to work on your weight. Don’t change for him, but change for you. I would let him have as much space as he desires, but (unless you are tired of him) I wouldn’t shut him out. Both of you need to want it for this relationship to work. If he comes back, great, but I wouldn’t suggest planning your life around it. It might happen, it might not.

      Be strong, I believe things will eventually work out in the end. Know that my best wishes are with you.

  88. Sophia says:

    Hello again, I’m sorry to repost but I need advice ASAP.
    I have been with my partner for seven years, things were going great recently no problems. However a bit of background he lives with some of his family here and they have always has an issue with me (not sure why) anyways he moved out with me last year and when I got home for work yesterday he broke up with me and moved back to his old house.
    He said he wasn’t in love with me a d he knew he didn’t want to marry me so he wasn’t satisfied. He said he felt bad because when he saw the way I looked at him he knew I loved him so much. This breaks my heart, because I obviously want him back.
    I feel so stupid because I begged him to stay but he wouldn’t. We’ve had this sort of the happen a year or so ago but he stayed. He said he’s been trying for years to love me back but he just can’t. He said he loves me like a good friend. Is there a way I can get him back ? What do I do ? He is such an amazing person, everyone thinks so. I don’t want to be without him. Do I make contact or do I let him go ? It’s so hard. I’ve been physically sick since this happened. I guess maybe because its still raw but how do I heal my heart ? Everyone thought we were so happy and good together.

    What do I do ? Is there anyway I can get him back ?

    • philosiblog says:

      Unfortunately, he is a human, a person. You cannot command him to come back. If he wishes to return, he will. If not, you must get on with your life.

      That’s the sad side of the quote. Not all who leave come back. But if that’s the case, it wasn’t going to last anyway. It may hurt, but life will go on.

      Time will help heal your heart, as will your attitude towards him. If you chose to turn your love to hate for him, it will never heal. If you wish him the best as he explores his life, then your heart will heal.

      Sadly, I speak those lines from experience. It never is pleasant, but the truth will always find a way to come out. Eventually, you will understand.

      I regret that I cannot be of any additional help. Smile and remember the good times. Be happy for what you had, and do not regret what might never be. Or be miserable. The choice is yours.

  89. Missnenna says:

    I believe that somehow if you are meant to be, the future will bring you guys back together somehow

    • philosiblog says:

      I hope your belief both gives you strength, and the comfort, to endure the time between their leaving and their return. My thoughts and best wishes will be with you.

  90. Hunter S says:

    FOLLOW UP! She finally texted me today saying she was ready to talk. We opened up after a slow start and even though she stands strong that she has no intention of getting back together right now, she wants to hangout and just have fun like we used to. I told myself I wouldnt but ended up really trying to convince her to give it another shot rather than just being a man and letting go and telling her I’ll take her back if she comes… passion makes you do a lot of things haha. But i’m happy with how it resolved and it felt good to fight for her (us) in a sense. After having some closure I am more open to the idea that maybe she isn’t the one for me, and maybe I’m wasting my time and energy hoping that she comes back. Note for guys, if you are going to talk with your partner that has decided (right or wrong) that she does not want to be together, do not bring flowers or write poems unless you know they like it. Apparently women find it disrespectful and ignorant that you would try and do something sweet for them when all they want is for you to acknowledge the fact that they need space! To conclude, I won’t I’m a fan of break ups and moving forward, but communication and space is f*cking good for you! Time to focus on my life, wish you all the best.

    • philosiblog says:

      Life is full of unexpected twists and turns. It looks like, so far, yours has been turning in your direction. Congratulations! It sounds like you understand what you need to do, even if you’re having some trouble acting on it. You’ll get better with practice, right?

      Thanks for the well-wishes, and the same back to you.

  91. Alexander says:

    Hello, this is a marvelous article and I respect and appreciate all comments.
    I’m 25 and I had a girlfriend for 9 or so months, we had ups and downs and I totally fell in love with this lady (and still am) although she didn’t fully love me yet (or at least told me, I did tell her though) we shared nice times and some harder times for the large part revolved around minor communication issues and the fact I felt that she was not fully over her last boyfriend who lingered in the background (which she was not, and we spoke about this at times as was her first everything – so I kind of understood and accepted) But ultimately she did not want to be with him, so we continued and she never wanted to break up.. I then needed to move our of town to a different company which allowed me to end the relationship in the right way as she wasn’t offering me enough at the time to stay and I wanted her to fully be over her ex. I felt deep down that if we were ever to be together and deeply in love with each other, I needed and she needed to get the ex boyfriend out of her system. We stayed in touch for a few months and got much closer whilst we were apart. She told me that she needed to give him one more chance (she broke off it with him initially before we met) and if we were ever to be together, it would be because we took this time apart – I wished her all the best and we broke the direct contact there. .I will move on for the time being and so will she (but I still love her deeply) and I feel that if she comes back to me, it will be because she knows that I was the best for her and that she would finally be emotionally available to me to able to love another. Your thoughts or guidance would mean the world to me. Alexander X

    • philosiblog says:

      Well, there isn’t much to say. You followed the advice I have been giving pretty much to the letter. I would continue to work on improving yourself, which I believe it is our most important duty to ourselves. She will have to make up her mind. Well done!

      • Alexander says:

        Thanks so much my friend. I appreciate your comments. /Alexander/

      • philosiblog says:

        You are welcome. Thanks for reading, and for taking the time to improve your life by design, not just by random chance.

      • Alexander says:

        Hello again my insightful friend, I am starting to think of doing things differently and I felt I needed to reach out to you as it’s kind of ‘against the grain’ as to the title of this article (you might be a little disapointed with me on this one)
        There has been minimal contact between my ex-girlfriend and I since I moved out of town and we have both moved on with our lives (both now seeing new people – her back with her previous partner (that I found out from her) and I’m seeing someone new (although haven’t moved on really). I however will be heading back to her town in November for a 2-week audit for my accountancy firm and I feel it would be poor judgement on my part if I didn’t reach back out to let the only woman I’ve ever loved in all my 25years that I still care a great deal for her, and I would be willing to do what it takes to get her back (with no expectations). I’ve just began to feel that I have to say something, or just accept that nothing will happen as her pride amongst other things, will never allow her to bring me back in to her life. I wanted to just ask you for a slice of wisdom her as to whether seeing her to let her know how I feel is not the right course of action? Yes, I could get hurt I know, but even if I did, at least she would know my feelings.Thank you so much again, your responses are so well thought through and we all appreciate the time you give to your followers. A magnificent blog you have her, Peace and love, Alex

      • philosiblog says:

        Sorry to be so slow in responding. Life gets busy from time to time.

        Actually, the quote is about letting go of a person who wants to leave, so it doesn’t really appear to apply to this case.

        I personally prefer openness and honesty to doubt and secrecy. Personally, I would communicate with someone to let them know where I stood, and what my feelings were. You could do that sooner, or you could wait until you got there in person, if you think that you could be more persuasive. Or you could contact her earlier, if you thought she might need some time to think about it.

        As for the ‘right’ course of action, I cannot say. All I can do is advocate for complete, honest, and forthright communication. You will have to determine how applicable it is to your situation, your relationship, and your feelings.

        Getting hurt is part of the game, isn’t it? It’s part of how we learn. Personally, I believe you will be hurt just as badly, if not worse, by saying nothing. The pain of knowing that something could have been will last the rest of your life.

        Stay strong, and stay true to yourself.

    • Alex says:

      Thanks so much Again for responding, I really respect and appreciate your wise words.
      Wishing you all the best.

  92. life says:

    i have been dating my boyfriend for seven years. he is my first lover. i found him cheating with other gal, now he is saying he is setting me free, he dont desserve my love coz i love him too much and he is a cheater and a lier. i am so heart broken and to let him go is gonna be difficullt. i dont know what to do. i cant even cope at work.

    • philosiblog says:

      You are stronger than you give yourself credit. It will be rough, but you owe it to yourself to pull yourself together. That won’t be easy, and your heart will take some time to heal, but understand that this is your first. You will have others. He will always be special, and that is a good thing. When you are ready, you will find another, and eventually you will find the right one.

      My thoughts will be with you, but you will be fine.

  93. karen says:

    I’ve been dating this guy for about 4 months hands down best relationship ever the admiration, consideration everything is wonderful..he even makes a point to tell me he’s never had a woman show this kind of caring for him and he’s so happy….Even the little things he does for overwhelms me. we decided maybe we could take this further( which was not our intention initially)…as we got into his past …he did tell me that he has an ex that he hurt deeply and that they have a child (which i knew of). and he still loves her…and that they have been trying on and off for 10years…..her family does not want him near her and so they finally split last year…recently she learned of his all to happy budding romance with me and she has decided she wants him back.and that she’s ready to make it work… He sat me down and said he wasn’t sure what to do.and that he was so fed up of the on and off but he feels owes it to her .to give it one more chance..but then he’s happy where he is now…. in one sense i’m hurt and insulted but on the other hand he did tell me about his ex in month 2 and about their tumultuous history ….Normally I would’ve ran away which is what i always do in relationships…but i’ve never had this kind of happiness before…and it kills me that this is the one thing (big thing) that may end us. at this point i’m trying to keep my distance but he still calls and texts…

    • philosiblog says:

      A couple of things, but the first is that congratulations appear in order. You are glossing over something I feel is very significant – you didn’t run away. While you seem to attribute it to the person you are dating, I would guess that at least a little bit of it is a maturation in yourself. Take a moment and celebrate that, it’s a significant achievement.

      There’s going to be some interesting times ahead. I infer that you feel a little upset that she is messing with your relationship, and possibly breaking you up. Will you respond to fire with fire? I would sit down and give that thought some serious consideration. If you make the decision up front, when you see an opportunity to get a dig in, you will already have figured out if you will or will not. Just understand that it’s not just you against her, either one of you could drive him away from both of you if you both go at it, right? I don’t know you, much less her or him, so that analysis may be off base, but it’s something you might want to consider.

      One thing I would want in a relationship is closure. How many times will he give her ‘one last try?’ It sounds like he’s having trouble giving her up. It also sounds like he’s having trouble giving you up as well, since you mention texts and calls. At some point he will have to give one of you up. How you want to phrase it, and when it is appropriate to say it, that’s something you will have to determine. But if he’s still in contact with you, she can call you the home wrecker, right?

      Keep your faith in yourself. Things might or might not work out in the manner in which you hope. But either way, you will continue. Be strong, and keep working on improving yourself. My thoughts and best wishes will be with you in these troubled times.

      • karen says:

        actually that’s exactly how i feel, that she is messing up my relationship and she just should leave us alone she had her chance.for 10years… It did cross my mind to call her and let her have it….but in the end it’s his decesion also.. I feel he’ll resent me somehow or always wonder what if…..this is just too much …AND I have decided to just walk away…ofcourse i told him of my decision and he wasnt happy…so he sent a text if we can still talk or grab a cup of coffee.(i didn’t answer)what should i say?I can’t even look at him w/o tearing up

        he did make a point to mention if he did decide to go back with her and it doesn’t work whatever the consequences with me he will face it.(i.e begging me ,groveling or me in another realtionship etc ) and i said its just that easy for you huh?…and he yelled at me saying that’s why he cant decide… but that old saying “IT’S BETTER TO LOVE THAN NEVER LOVE AT ALL…i strongly disaggree this is the most horrible pain ever it’s so not worth it…Nonetheless .thank you for taking the time out to answer I really appreciate the
        advice.and best wishes….. I really enjoyed your blog 🙂

      • philosiblog says:

        Thanks for the kind words. I’m glad you took the time to make the decisions up front. Far too many people (myself included) fail to do that, and then do something stupid on impulse, instead of thinking first.

        He will eventually make up his mind, or have it made for him by alienating all his possible partners. It sounds like he is afraid of making the wrong choice (just guessing, based on the response you shared).

        As for the other quote you mention, it depends on the proximity to the breakup and your attitude towards it (and the other person). The pain will eventually fade, the degree will depend on the time and how much you obsess over it. You learn from each experience, and hopefully the next one will be better, or at least not end as painfully. Time alone will tell, but that’s been the pattern I have observed over these many years.

        The final caution I would give you is to take care. Love can easily turn to hate if you decide to make it so. It’s natural to be angry when something like this happens. But please don’t get stuck in anger. Work through the grieving process, and continue to move on with your life.

  94. Rebecca says:

    Hi philosiblog,
    I came upon your article after googling “if it’s meant to be it will be”. I loved your interpretation of the quote and your description of love and how to measure it.
    I also read the comments and was happy to see that you are still replying to people. Thank you for that! So many people need love advice. In a way, it’s nice to know you’re not all alone in the pain, although it doesn’t make it any better.
    My story is somewhat like Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett (Gone with the Wind). I met this incredible guy and he loved me from the start and was great to me. We were together for 4 years, during which I often asked myself if I love him, and what love really is. I was nice to him, but should have been so much nicer. In the end, he broke up with me – mainly because I didn’t fit in with his family, but also because he felt that I didn’t care enough for him. Since then, I have gone through the self-hatred and self-discovery phase. I realized that I have treated him badly and have done so many mistakes with him. I actually feel worse that I have hurt him for so long, than for losing him – and that is how I know I actually do love him, not just miss him. That is why I equate this to Scarlett/ Rhett – she also realized she loved him too late.
    Until recently, he wanted to stay in touch and see if anything can happen after a few months. For me, this ‘in between’ state was very confusing and I asked him to not contact each other for a while, and set up a meeting later. I was hoping that during this time he will miss me, and will decide to try again. Apparently, the opposite happened. I don’t know if he is out of love now, or just decided that it’s not worth giving it another shot. This is so unfortunate, because I just finally opened my eyes and was so ready to treat him the way he deserves to be treated…
    So in our case, I sort of think that he let me go to see if I will return. I did return. But he changed his mind and closed the door. And that is why I have been googling “if it’s meant to be”…
    I know I should give him some space now but I wonder if I can contact him in a couple of months and see if something can be salvaged. Otherwise, it will be such a waste of genuine feelings… I have to believe in this “meant to be” thing to maintain my hope alive.
    Do you think it’s too late for me?

    • philosiblog says:

      Obviously, I have no idea whether things will work out or not. However, I would start at the top and address the big issue you mentioned early on in your post (and if you already have, that’s great!). Apologize to him for not treating him the way you should have.

      You will want to be careful to not come across as needy or as trying to rope him and drag him back in. I imagine you could contact him in ‘a couple of months,’ so long as the number of months is more than two. 8) There’s no telling how things will be for either of you by then. You may have met someone interesting, and not be available.

      It sounds like you have some level of respect for him, and I feel that is good. Some people turn their love into hate when things go poorly, and I see that as a problem with deeper roots.

      As for replying to posts, I try. Sometimes it takes me a few days, as I have a family and a full time job. It keeps me busy. But I feel if someone has taken the time to write, I should write back. If they have been honest with me, I should be honest back. If they have asked my advice, I should give it, even if it’s not what they were hoping to hear.

      Life will be tough for a while, although it sounds like the worst is behind you. I would try to focus on the good, not the bad. Don’t regret the ending of this phase of the relationship, be glad for what has happened. Stay strong, and continue to work on improving yourself. Pick something on your to-do list and get busy. A little distraction every now and then can be a good thing, right?

      • Rebecca says:

        Thank you for replying! It’s so incredibly nice of you to reply to so many people.
        I did tell him that I loved him and apologized for not treating him as well as I should have. It is strange to me how he was always hoping it would work out and he closed the door right after I told him this. If a man closes the door to a relationship, is it final?
        And, sorry, one more thing – why wait for more than 2 months?

      • philosiblog says:

        I was playing off the word couple, which can mean precisely two (as in “they make a nice couple”), or a number somewhat larger than two (as in “can I have a couple beers?”).

        As for how often to keep in touch, or how long to wait before the next time you try, that is something best decided by you, as you know the situation and I do not.

        With guys, it’s hard to tell. I won’t say we’re complex, we’re mostly just unpredictable. The only person who knows is him, and even then, it may change over time.

        Thanks for the kind comments, and I’m sure you will do well in the future.

  95. natalie says:

    Thank you for a great site and for making it just a little bit easier knowing that you care. I posted on here in Feb and just wanted to let you know that it is true — we are back together eve

    n stronger and better than before !!!!!!

  96. Pan says:

    What about if they left, and you let them go, for them to return to the relationship, and months down the line leave again?

    • philosiblog says:

      That sounds more like a yo-yo or a dog playing fetch. Are they playing with your heart? Are you letting them do so? Some people don’t know what they want, and others are easily confused or bored. If they keep leaving, it’s probably best to let them stay gone, and move on with your life.

  97. TJ says:

    I’ve know from the start that he has trust issues, but it turned out to be more serious than I imagined. There seems to always be a problem with what I did, how I spoke, who I spoke to and why, the decision I made “could” have led to something more and the list really goes on. It is like he is waiting for this aweful thing to happen and in his mind he knows it is bound to happen. Well he said he was done with the relationship because I am always doing dumb things. However, he did say that even though I do dumb things that annoy him that I have not treated him bad and that he knows that I love him and he loves me too. He says that he doesn’t trust his bestfriend or brother as far as he could see them and I don’t do anything to show him that he can trust me. This has been going on for more than two years and again, it seems that each time I accept the way he feels about something and make changes to show him respect and love, thats the moment he finds something else. So today I asked him if he was sure he was done because I want to make sure that we are on the same page. Of course I expressed to him that I do love him and didn’t want it to end but he told me yes and I said ok. I just don’t feel confident that this is what he really wants (to breakup) and I can’t understand why he can’t just “let go” and love me freely. If he decides to come back one day and still loves me….I don’t know if I will trust him again to open my heart back up for fear that he will decide to leave again. I am not perfect, but I tried to focus on the positive and my love for him helped me to push aside and work beyond any negative. Why was he waiting on everything negative?

    • philosiblog says:

      Sorry to hear of the recent course of events.

      Everyone has a certain level of trust. Having been betrayed (in action, or in his thoughts) by members of his family has clearly damaged his ability to trust anyone. That mistrust, of course, is projected onto you. No matter what you did, no matter how you tried to prove yourself worthy, I seriously doubt he would be able ever accept it. It does not appear to be in his nature. From how you describe it, that sounds like something a professional should try to help him understand, and hopefully overcome.

      It sounds like you have an understanding of the problem, and realize that until he changes, you will always be at risk of his negativity and distrust. If I am reading this right, you are now free to work on yourself, and I would start by reminding yourself that you really are trustworthy. That kind of negativity over time can have an impact on a person, and it may take a little time to clean it out. I would urge you to remember him fondly, but remember his flaw. Learn from the experience, so that you don’t go through this again, either with him or with someone else. If he truly changes, that’s a whole different story, right?

      • TJ says:

        Thanks for the reply Philosiblog and thanks for the advise. I’m going to work on me like you said and show myself some love. It is exhausting always trying to prove your worth and I don’t want to have to live that way. I hope that he does truly change, and not for me but for himself. He is a great guy otherwise and I want him to be happy so it is a whole different story at that point; Always having to have your guard up can make for a pretty miserable life. God has always been my guide and I’m thankful that I have the faith to leave my life’s challenges in his hands to be worked out. No matter what happens I know it will be for the best and that I will be ok. I love him and he knows that but no more of this distrust and accusing. It isn’t good for our mental or physical health. It’s nice to be able to express myself without having to defend my character and while not being together is not what I want, I feel a sense of calm by being able to accept the situation at its current stage. You know, he called and wanted to hang out yesterday evening and I said I don’t think it’s a good idea. Before I would have gone without question; I told him that he decided that he didn’t want to be with me and that I need time to adjust to what that means. I think he was surprised at my response and that I really meant it. But I want more and I want him to have more and I want a foundation that is strong. That means that even when we become upset at each other (and we will, we are all human beings with different personalities no matter how similar they may be) that the commitment keeps us from running off or throwing in the towel. Anyway, I know I did what was right. Thank you for listening and again taking the time to respond. May you continue to be Blessed.

      • philosiblog says:

        I am truly glad you seem to have a pretty good handle on the situation. Your first job is to protect yourself. That might not be fun, but it is the way of life. I’m glad you have hope for him, and not just for your sake. It took me a long time to realize that point.

        Stay strong, stay focused. Things will change. Hope for better, prepare for worse. You win either way. 8)

  98. kro says:

    My situation. I travel and work in various countries, spanning Europe, Middle East and Africa.

    I came to Lagos, Nigeria two years ago where I met my current and only husband. We both married out of our love for each other, or so I believed. He is truly a wonderful man, who spent a year in the UK, where I am from.

    We married in July 2012. Before I said it would be great to get the necessary travel documentation so we can travel freely to and fro without any hassle.

    Shortly after we got married I found myself having to leave Lagos and move to Abuja for a few months. So we were separated until January 2013. During this time of separation he became increasing aggressive, moody, the total opposite of the man I had known before.

    He started talking about how he really needed to leave this country and for me to get him his paperwork. He came to see me in Abuja twice, and the second time he got violent, which is something just so awful.

    He left, to return to Lagos. I returned to Lagos in January, only to discover he now keeps me out of his life completely, ignores me, calls me a liar, you name he does it.

    I checked many things with his sister. V*rious stories to cross check, and found out he lies just too much. He used to be open with me but has now cut me off completely. There are only rare moments of how he used to be.

    He now claims he can go out and do anything he likes, without me knowing, he disrespects me completely. Makes late night calls, chats with all kinds of people on his BB. I know people have told him he should leave me. And I do believe he is planning to do so when I start my new job shortly.

    His family have been very good to me and I have always supported him emotionally and financially. When it comes to money, he is very strange now. He never says when he has been paid, when he used to before. I gave him money to keep, but his refusal to tell me what he has done with it, or what he is going to do with it is so unfair. I work hard and have invested a lot emotional time, not concerned about them money, and I find it so draining. I can’t and don’t want to give up, but my gut feeling tells me, I might just have to let him go. It hurts, I have good days and bad days. I know the culture and people well enough, that they way he is behaing tells me something is so wrong.

    He refuses to communicate, no matter what angle I try.

    Living at his sister’s is just a stop gap now. He told me he thought marrying a white woman would better his life, he feels shame and disgrace because we are living at his sisters. I know how he feels, but he just keeps pushing me away, and playing games with me.

    I loved the post from Corinthians.

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like he has already left, with no intent of returning. It is sad to say, but I would prepare for the worst. With one past incident of violence, I would be prepared for that as well as the usual division of the estate on separation and divorce.

      Protect yourself as best you can, and stay strong. From the sound of it, you are already accomplished in the business world, and looking to move away from the area, so (hopefully) your period at risk will be but a short time.

      Thanks for sharing your story, and I’m glad you liked the passage we used at our wedding.

  99. EFR says:

    Hi my ex and i split up about a year ago, he tried fighting for us to work things out but i was to stubborn to try…. he would call me, chase me and beg for me to work things out with him but i didn’t want to at the time…. now a year later i am the one doing the chasing, begging and crying…. he tells me that he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with me right now, but we can just hang out…. i love him with all my heart but he is determined to make sure that i hurt as much as he hurt…. how do i fix this???

    • philosiblog says:

      There is little you can do. The ball, as it were, is in his court. You can try to appeal to him, try to reach him, try to make it up to him, but in the end, it’s his decision.

      I don’t know what else to say besides to stay strong, and work on your own needs, not just on chasing him around. I know you consider him to be one of your needs, but you cannot focus solely on him at the expense of yourself.

  100. Tai says:

    Been with my now ex-GF for 10 years, she went to Asia for a month for vacation and fell in love with a man. My heart was shattered to find out that she wanted to be pregnant by this man only knowing him for less than a month bcoz he promised her the world. When she returned back to the state I begged her to stay but she said she left her heart back in Asia. It was so hard that I couldn’t eat or sleep for close to two weeks. I finally gave her the space she needed to “find herself “and I also cut her off with all communication (text nor email etc…) even though I was sitting next to the phone waiting for her to text or call me, eventually (a week later) she called but I didn’t answer than she text me and said she misses me (I still didn’t answer even though It was so hard, I wanted her to really have the time to think about it by herself). I’m starting to see the lights at the end of that tunnel with the help of family and friends encouraging me that I can do so much better ( I have no baggage, never married, owned a few houses, got a great job, nice car ect…) that there’s plenty of fish out there waiting for me. After a week… she’s now coming down from the cloud nine and said she wanna move back but I told her that it’s too soon, that she should stay at her brother house for a little more time just to be sure that she’s really truly wants to come back (bcos I’m now scared that she might do this to me again and that my roller coaster emotions will all come back again). I can finally sleep, eat and learning to move on without her. Even though I told her to stay at her brother house for a little more time to think (it’s killing me inside) but I think it’s better this way so that hopefully she’s never leave again, I told her if she ever move back I will love her a thousand times more but I want her to be sure that she wants to come back not bcoz she’s feeling bad for me bcos I’m miserable without her. She agreed and it’s been 8 days now we continued without communication. I just hope I’m doing the right thing and not pushing her away.

    PS. For those that feels your world has ended, what helped me was my family and friends kept on feeding me how great of a person I am that I WILL find someone else better that got me thinking I’ll be OK. I believed that you should let your mind feel-in all the “what if” questions, otherwise it will never rest, once all the “what if” had been looked at than your mind will stop thinking about it. Trust me gal/guys.. By let it out it’s good for you (your emotions), force yourself to cry (I didn’t think I can cry until now) and let your friends and family show you why you are blinded and trust me the bright lights is there. My family and friends told me all i have to do is give them the word that i’m ready to move on then they will hook me up bcos there are plenty of single women out there.

    Lastly, thank you philosiblog for this GREAT site.

    • philosiblog says:

      Let’s go in reverse order. Thanks, I’m glad you like the site, and that you took the time to share your story.

      In you PS, you mention something I didn’t even think about. You had a vibrant and strong support network to help you through the tough times. That can be a critical step, especially for someone who is social. It didn’t occur to me, as I am not a particularly social person.

      As for giving her time to think, and to help her make sure she really wants to come back, that’s a good idea, up to a point. And you realize that, so be careful how long you hold her off, lest she lose interest and wander off.

      It also looks like you’re doing a great job of working on yourself, and keeping your head on straight despite the pain and the longing. Most of the people posting on this blog are still too hurt to be thinking about other prospects, but you are right, there are other fish in the sea.

      Not that you need the encouragement, but stay strong, and know that my thoughts are with you.

  101. Quinn126 says:

    I am coming to you because I have nobody else to ask for good advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for quite a while now. Not so long ago, my ex calls me, telling me that he still has feelings for me. I told my boyfriend about what happened and he told me my ex was ‘playing games’ with me. My feelings for this ex was great to the point where I thought he was “the one” but he treated me so bad and cheated on me once that I decided to let him go for the best. It took me a great amount of time to get over him and get him out of my life. Eventually, he was out of sight out of mind. That is until he called me a few weeks ago. I love my boyfriend dearly but I know deep in my heart I still have feelings for my ex. Maybe I feel bad for letting him go?

    • philosiblog says:

      Well, if you can’t answer that question, I don’t know how I could.

      The first question I think you should answer is “Has he changed?” I seriously doubt you want back into that mess, even if you do have feelings for him. Determine how much better he has to have become before he becomes a better bet than your present boyfriend. It might be that the trust is so badly shattered that you would have to be crazy to go back. Or perhaps they are not. You will have to answer that question.

      Another important question to ask is “Why did he call?” Does he want you so bad he would dump his present girlfriend, or did she just dump him and he’s looking for someone, anyone, and called you? Doesn’t the answer to this question seem important to you?

      What other questions do you have? Ask yourself, ask him, and ask anyone you know who can shed light on how much better he is doing. As always, reserve the right to say “No thank you” to the relationship, or to walk away if he goes back to old habits. But is it worth the risk, given it seems you have a great guy at the moment?

      I know, you came here for answers, and are leaving with a list of questions. But you are the only one who can answer them. Let the questions clear your head and open your eyes.

  102. Charlotte says:

    My boyfriend broke up with me a month and a half ago. It was a surprise, he didn’t plan it out. He thinks we are not compatible and doesn’t see a future in us. It was a 2 years relationship and we never had big arguments. The biggest problem was us not trying to solve tiny problems we had during our relationship until it burst and we did not realise until after we broke up. I thought it through for the past little while and I don’t agree on us not being compatible, but I do think there were things we both did wrong during the relationship and have to improve on our own. I keep on telling myself to move on and forget about him, but it doesn’t seem to work. I am trying my best to continue with my life but deep down I still have feelings for him and hope that he will give us another chance.

    • philosiblog says:

      The question is: “what will you do in the meantime?” How will you occupy your time? If you spend it longing for him, you will likely do both of you a disservice. Please make sure you are taking care of yourself, and that you are doing things that help you move forward with your life. Perhaps he will be back, but he might not. Sitting still and waiting, while an option, is not a very good idea, in my opinion.

  103. edward says:

    read some stories and liked the quick response so i wanted to share mine. recently i got out of a two year relationship and i was doing great. I would hangout with my friend and his gf all the time and then about five months after my last relationship i was hanging with my friend and his gf and her friend who had a bf of seven years. She had stated in past that she wasn’t happy though and i never talked to her cause i had a gf before. She started hanging out there more and would mess me on facebook to see if i was going there. Eventually she left her bf and started hanging out with just me at my house. We were together for about a month without the title of boyfriend and girlfriend and everything was fine. Then we talked about our relationship and said that we were happy and didnt want to tallk to anyone else so we made it official. That is when it went downhill, she started getting as she put it confused in her head if it was the right thing and she decided to leave. For two days she wasnt with me but still text me asking how i was and saying she missed me. She talked to alot of people in her family about it and they told her that i was the best thing that has happened to her and that she was stupid for leaving me and that she was scared to be happy cause she was so used to being with someone who didnt care. so she came back. She didnt want the lable though just wanted to take things slow. Pretty much it was like we were together without being official she stayed at my house everynight and we were together in our free time. About a week later she said i forgot all about this picture and showed me a picture of her kissing her bestfriend on the lips who is a girl but her friend is bi sexual and has a crush on her. I got upset and it was our first arguement because i didnt think it was right to do. She explained that it wasnt like that and that they are just friends and then i felt like i was wrong to be upset and we talked and went about our day which i thought turned out alright. That night she said she was sad and that she wished she could get things in her head right. She left again and then the next day came and got her stuff from my house when i was at work. She said to me do you realize you got mad at me and we aint even together officially, which is true but its just a label and she herself said we were exclusive which she said ment she wasnt talking with anyone else and i wasnt cause we were going to be together. So now she wants to back off and have space and she says its not about me cause i apologized to her for everything i did that day and then last night she said she wasnt mad at me. so im just confused on the whole situation i dont know what i should do to be honest should i try to be with her or just let her go? I always tell her im here to talk but it seems like she wont talk to me all day and will then text me and say how are you doing and i think welll you left me so probably worse then you are. anyways this seems to becoming a very long comment so im gonna end it there looking forward to a response hopefully it helps everyone else i talk to says shes retarded, immature, and need to get herself together or that she is dumb and is stringing me along in case she wants to be with me. I wish life wasnt so complicated and this would work out so i wouldnt be upset anymore thanks for reading

    • philosiblog says:

      It’s always hard to know what to do when the other person doesn’t know what they are doing.

      Or is it? It’s always easy to be honest. It might hurt, sometimes a lot, but it’s always easy. Trying to arrange you and your values and principles around someone else isn’t something I would do. I would recommend you against such action as well. If she stays (or comes back), you’re left looking as twisted as a pretzel (or a lower case ‘g’ on a typewriter), and required to remain in such a situation for the duration of the relationship. If she doesn’t, you’re still all twisted up and then have to un-twist yourself.

      I believe it is better to be yourself, and let her find herself. She sounds like she has no idea what she wants, and is chasing happiness (the feeling) as butterflies flit from flower to flower. As she better understands happiness and love, she will (hopefully) settle down. If you’re still around and still interested, perhaps she will grow into someone who is compatible with you and who you have become in that time.

      Only you can choose to be upset. We are generally only upset when someone else breaks one of our rules. Take a moment and consider what rules you believe in, which she has broken. Are those rules very important to you, or are they something from a long time ago that is no longer relevant today? When you have updated your list of rules, consider what she means to you, and what your rules mean to you, and choose between them. Upset is gone, right? It’s something to think about, at least.

      Only you can choose your path. You will have to weigh the situations and live with the consequences. You can be strong, if you want to. Know that my thoughts will be with you, and that your troubles, like all things in life, are transitory. Tomorrow will be a new day, and you will find new joys and new challenges.

      Just keep smiling.

      • edward says:

        Thanks a lot for your response. Its hard to talk to someone about a situation and get a good opinion because usually its bias for me or for her depending on the person i talk to about it. The only new information i know about the situation is that to her the way i handled getting mad wasn’t right which i agree with to because i was acting on raw emotions and should have taken time to think about how to talk it out with her in a reasonable manner but i like everyone else am human and made the mistake of not controlling the anger and mistrust i felt when i saw the picture. I thought i was lied to only to realize that she never lied to me and if she showed me the picture on her own she wasn’t trying to hide it from me. Like i said i know i made a mistake and the only way i can make it somewhat right would be if i had a chance to prove it to her that i can control my emotions next time something happens that i don’t like or agree on. One person talked to me about this said i should hope for the best, pray for the best, but expect the worst that way if the worst was to happen meaning she didn’t give me a chance to prove I wouldn’t loose control of my emotions again that it wouldn’t change anything because it was what i expected. anyways thanks again it was nice to hear something about the whole situation im going through.

      • philosiblog says:

        Perhaps it’s a thing with guys and emotions, but my standard is not to never lose my temper. To me, that would be setting myself up for failure. Instead, I try to make sure that I recognize that I have gone too far, and then pull back.

        If I am reading your post correctly, you have found one of her rules. You are not allowed to lose your temper. How realistic it is, that’s a different discussion. But knowing it exists, you can at least discuss it with her.

        I had heard the expression as ‘prepare for the worst’ so that it doesn’t catch you off guard. To me, the word ‘expect’ has some level of inevitability built into it, and that’s not the way I like to view life. But that’s why my advice is always to continue to work on yourself. Become a better person in this troubling time. That way, either way, you are better for the experience.

        It looks like you already have an aspect of your life on which you are ready to work. Great! Any thoughts on how you’ll work on it, or how you will prove it to her, should the opportunity arise? Might I suggest some of my posts on anger? Here and here – there will be some overlap due to the nature of tags and categories.

        Stay strong, and stay focused. Life will go on. Remember her always, and with affection.

      • edward says:

        sorry i just got some news tonight and i decided to come back and look for advice from you because your advice seems to be the best out there in my opinion. So she started hanging with her ex bf again and they went to the movies with my best friend and his gf. she ended up staying with him and now tonight she called and said that we are to different that i showed her she can be happy without him and that our time together was perfect but that she cant live her life without him in it. which i never told her she had to because she said he is a great friend but a crappy bf. but now she says that shes gonna be with him i just think its sad that he has such an emotional hold on her that she feels like she is doing the wrong thing if she pursues her happiness and he isn’t part of it all i know is she called me tonight said they were back together and all this and i just feel like i failed somehow like i should have done something better if it was so great and our time together was so perfect like she said then why did she choose him over me ?

      • philosiblog says:

        I had two thoughts on this situation of yours.

        One is that she has made up her mind, and that you should just let her go and move on.

        The other thought is similar, but not quite the same. She may be trying to have both of you, and both of you are letting her. If you tell her she should choose, she might not chose you, but it sounds like that’s where she is anyway, so what do you have to loose?

        Some people just need more practice at making big decisions. She might be one of them. You have your own life to live, and you will have to decide if you are willing to share her or not. Once you have made that decision, you will pretty much have your work cut out for you, choosing between the two options I outlined above. There are probably other options available, but that’s for you to figure out and decide on, based on your values and preferences.

        I wish you all the best, and will keep you in my thoughts.

  104. Carrie says:

    My best friend of 3 years and boyfriend of 10 months just recently broke up with me. I am still in shock every day because I never expected this; even our friends thought it was a joke. He always told me how happy I made him and how he could never imagine life without me. He loved me so much, and I love him. But then he told me he doesn’t love me anymore; he says he needs to change (be a better person) and that he cannot see us ever being together. How can he have a change of heart so suddenly? Just the day before we were talking about how excited we were to spend spring break together. And I’m so confused because I found out that he still wears the bracelet I made him; the one he said he would never take off until he had a wedding ring on his finger. My family and friends have been so helpful to me, but I just really wish I had my best friend back. Is there any hope?

    • philosiblog says:

      That he still wears your bracelet seems to be a sign that he still has some kind of feeling for you.

      Perhaps he was scared of the committment (lots of guys are, even if they won’t admit it), and is trying to avoid it by pushing you away. Perhaps he has realized that there are things in his life he wants to work on before going any farther with you. Without talking directly with him, and having him be completely honest with you, it would be very hard to know what is going on in his life.

      Until he straightens things out on his side, I doubt there is much you can do besides be helpful, as he defines it. That may include staying away while he tries to clear his head and get things back on track. My recommendation to you is to take this time-out to work on yourself. Do something you wouldn’t have done as a couple. Try something new, or do something you always wanted to try. Become a better you, working towards your best possible self. At least that’s what I would do.

      In answer to your actual question, “Is there any hope?” I would say there is always hope, but it might not be a very likely result.

      • Carrie says:

        I think I just have to come to accept that he was “in love” with me (the euphoric honeymoon stage), but that he never made it to actually love me quite yet (the dependable and everlasting stage). I assume he was so close to finding the “love” stage that perhaps it felt like he was falling out of love with me? What do you think? Or am I completely off?

      • philosiblog says:

        That’s a question that can’t possibly be answered by an outsider. Even he might not be sure of the answer. Sorry I can’t be any more help that that. Stay strong, and keep on working to be the best person you can be, and who knows what might be in store for you in the future.

  105. R.A.J says:

    I’ve been in a relationship for almost 4 months and im a senior, and before I dated her, i told her I want something that can last, she has had a relationship that has lasted a year and a half, and she loved him alot, but he didn’t treat her right, but they loved each other alot. I asked her yesterday about us in the future, and she responded with i dont wanna get married til she was 30, and that she still wanted to have fun, and do more things in life. She told me that she wanted to be together and that she loved me. But as in for years and years, she makes it feel like she wants to explore still. I’m not sure if she has gotten used to letting go in relationships, but i want to let go of her and see if this is a real relationship that we are in, or if it’s not, im starting college in 4 to 5 months and I need to find out before I leave off for college, I love her more than anything I have in life right now, and i wouldn’t wanna loose her, because i have fallen in love before but I could let go because I knew it wasn’t right, but this one feels real, and hard to let go of her knowing that this world is to large and knowing that it could be a big lose, do i need to let her go and see if she will come back, and i dont know what to say to her when I break up neither because i love her

    • philosiblog says:

      While in certain rare instances, people meet and stay together forever after. Usually, people need to explore themselves and their needs. It sounds like she isn’t ready for a “forever” commitment just yet.

      Yours will be a complicated situation, one which will require both of you to be honest about your needs and desires. Also consider that, especially when young, needs and desires can change fairly quickly, and sometimes, fairly often. What seems perfectly reasonable today, may not be something you want be part of in another 6 months. The same goes for her.

      Sometimes, the best friendships start this way. I have many friends who were once very close to me, but are now friends. It takes no small amount of inner strength to make that transition, but not everyone will be the right one for a life-mate. Some are just life-long friends. Time alone will tell.

      I wish you the best, and will keep you in my thoughts as the two of you work on determining your future.

      • R.A.J says:

        Do you think i need to go by the quote to see if she will come back, or just talk it out, because we’ve had a serious conversation like 4 days ago, I can let any girl go, but this one, is something special, what do you think is best for me, because I’m really needing it, and im hurting bad the longer we are together knowing that she might end it randomly

      • philosiblog says:

        The quote, in my opinion, is directed to someone trying to hold someone back who is set on leaving. Those are the ones to let go, or you will be constantly working to hold on to them. And eventually, they will escape.

        If I understand you, she hasn’t left, she just isn’t ready to make as serious a commitment as you are. To me, that calls for more discussion, and trying to understand the perspective of the other person. The usefulness will be based on the honesty of each of you, and will be valid for only a short period of time. If she still hasn’t figured out what she wants, things will be changing for her, and fairly rapidly. Try not to hold it against her, as that is her purpose at this time (based on what I read).

        I would be careful, as if you try to make her promise not to do this, or that, you may very well drive her away. It won’t be easy, but you will have to let her find her own way. If things go well, you can accompany her on much of that journey. About all I am certain of is that if you make a habit of annoying her or trying to determine her path, you will drive her away.

        It’s not going to be easy, nor will it be fun, but that’s the hand you have been dealt. What remains to be seen is how you will play it.

  106. R.A.J says:

    Thanks i appreciate that alot, i just got to let her know that I’m serious about this relationship but I’m gonna let the relationship do all the work, and whatever happens, because it’s for the best, thanks again, i appreciate it

  107. Jake says:

    so i don’t really know how this works but I have been with a girl for almost 1 and 4 months. Their was constant arguing over dumb stuff. Well anyways I’ve been in love with this girl since high school everyone says you were to young or you have no clue what love is about. I think I know what love is, you are willing to cherish this person because you love them. You love them to death it doesn’t matter whether your rich, poor, fat, etc etc etc. Well heres how the story of my relationship goes…everything was fine in high school we had problems like every relationship you know both young lovers. Their were a few trust issues she would lie about dumb shit i remember one time i was like hey was sup where are you she would say i’m at home doing homework and i was like okay and i was going to go surprise her with flowers or some dumb present and id magically run into her at the mall with her friends idk it was very stupid stuff she would lie about? Anyways she decided to take a break with me last summer and it felt like my world was ending and she said she was doing it because she needed time away from me. I remember it was terrible i felt like i could barely breathe i remember their were nights where i seriously felt my heart was dying. In no way ever did i cheat or talk to another girl unless she was a friend i was 100% committed. Anyways when she took that break i drove to her house and I dropped off flowers and a card and I saw her and she said go have fun go hook up with girls so i was like wtf? like i don’t want to.. and by the way we were going to University of Hawaii in fall 2012. So anyways after about a month she finally wanted me back and I went to go see her about it and she started crying saying how bad she was sorry and she didnt realize how hard it hurt me the whole love story. anyways I found out she was hanging out with her ex boyfriend. I was pissed I was like are you kidding me when did you hang out with him and she told me about a couple days after we broke up. and i was like wow..then i saw some stuff on fb saying she hooked up with a guy and that was it for me i just completely ignored her i told her were done etc etc etc. It was childish i know but i was like are you really gonna play me out like that? anyways i started talking to another girl (too soon i know) and she was great and my ex called saying we really need to talk and i was like whatever. anyways to put the story short she said she was pregnant, faked it, and thats when i was like umm screw you. I got into another relationship wayyyyy to soon after telling her id forgive her but then something was telling me to stay work it out but i ignored it. After that I left and she had sex with two different dudes. So were out in hawaii and i knew i made a big mistake and i wanted her back. So i sucked up my pride and i told the other girl look were not gonna work its to soon and i told her i still loved her and she was hurt but she understood and were friends today. Anyways after a month and a half of my ex bitching me out saying I was pregnant you hurt me, i asked her did you get with anyone and she kept telling me I was single I was single. And I was like look I love you and I understand if you did I only kissed the other girl and she said no. Month and a half later she told me yes I had sex with 2 other dudes. I was pissed off it would have been a different story if she came out and told me I would have understood but it was like wow another lie and shes a very good liar. For about 2 weeks we kept arguing and then finally it was okay again it was me & her. One problem was that I had she started drinking and smoking pot again. I was like are you kidding me? This is all while were out in Hawaii. I mean i get it you wanna party go out and have fun and i have no problem with that but don’t lie to my face continuously about who you are with idc if you are with 50 dudes I just wanna know. Hawaii has had lots of raping and thefts etc so I tried explaining it to her but she took it as you want to control me and that’s not what it is. Anyways i was texting one of my buddies because i was still pissed off about the whole two dudes because I would see one of them everyday i went to class. Anyways I was being dumb and immature and i was like bro what do i do like im about ready to say fuck it and start banging girls left and right. Anyways my ex and I had sex one night and it was romantic it wasn’t straight having sex it was intimate and loving. Idk how to explain it but i went to take a shower and she read those messages and she said fuck me to my face and left. As the semester went on we talked a few times but nothing more i tried to get her back but nothing worked. Well one night i got drunk really drunk so drunk that i didn’t even know what was going on and i had sex with someone else. Well my ex called me over one day and i told her and she was like wow you fucked up and banged another chick. I felt sick to my stomach i was destroyed i never thought she wanted me back. i was immature and stupid i know. Anyways the next day i was jumped at night got knifed and i was like i know im gonna be able to get her back I had hope. Well I decided to leave Hawaii cuz these guys just had it out for me and i didnt want anything to happen to her if she was with me. So its about Christmas Break and i find out shes hanging out with her ex again and she went to a party that night and came out of the room with some random dude drunk with a guy at a party. Well later on christmas break she knew i wasnt going back to Hawaii and asked to hang out and she said she missed me, we had sex and I asked her about the party and she told me straight to my face no jake I didnt have sex with anyone since you. After that we fixed things and things were fine anyways we were together for a little bit doing long distance and i could finally breathe again. But the way she dresses the way she carriers her self now is different..It’s a completely different girl and i was disappointed I felt terrible like what have i done…anyways we were trying long distance but the same things were happening I was like why continue to lie i do not care where you go or who you are with just be honest all i care is honesty i dont care at all and we had fights again and again and i blocked her i was like screw it she would just lie over stupid bull shit im like why lie i really do not understand the point of lying and i blocked her twice and now shes done with me it’s easter today and she told me to get counseling over my “controlling issues” and I have I have talked to a counselor three times already. I guess what im asking is will it ever go back to the same me and her (I dont wanna use our names) Honestly I just want it to be us again no more drama no more fights no more bs. I have no problem changing my immature ways. I just get frustrated with the lies. I mean take it this way im not sure if you have ever heard of instagram well its sort of like facebook and i saw her spend the night at two dudes rooms when she said she was with her roomate and im like what the hell is that? I know she didnt have sex with them i can tell when shes lying and when shes not just by her voice over the phone or skype. Anyways it’s easter and she told me I have nothing left to say. she didnt even say she loves me and i asked her if their was someone else and i was like you can tell me i understand and she said no. I think she and i are both emotionally and physically drained from the constant arguing. I love this girl to death and I have no problem waiting but am i waiting for the right reasons? I will honestly marry this girl when the time is right if she would ever get back together with me. But i cant take the dishonesty and their was a point when she was honesty because i know the “real her” and that’s what’s worth waiting for the real her. But idk our relationship is so complicated and it makes it even harder since were away from each other. I don’t know what to say it’s hard to say over a message but i talked to the counselor and she told me if its true love it will come back no matter what no matter the mistakes you have both made (aside from cheating that’s where it really starts to struggle) I honestly understand our relationship is toxic. It really is and I have prayed over and over and i seem to be getting the same response stay with her because the real her is worth fighting for. The world and this society has just seemed to have caught her up a bit. I mean i get it everyone likes to go out party meet new people its just lying i do not know. I like to go out and have fun i have drank in the past but not anymore. I just wanna know is this something worth fighting for? Is this something that maybe will work in the future in 5 or 10 years because honestly i would give up every girl for her but i feel replaceable in her eyes and i dont want to be. I want to be cherished as well. I really feel like because of her lying it’s gotten to the point that im like screw it idk. I keep on mumbling on and on but i just need help.

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like both of you need to take some time to grow. If there is as much disagreement and arguing as you say, there are some issues you need to address. And she will need to address her issues as well. Until you can communicate without it rolling straight into an argument, I can’t see much of a future, can you?

      Arguing that frequently can lead to resentment, and that sounds like what you are saying at the very end of your comment. I cannot determine what your best course of action is, but it sounds like the relationship is in rough shape right now. If the two of you can find a way to agree to a cease fire, and take a little time to work on your issues, you might find enough common ground to make the relationship worth saving. If you continue on the present course, I am concerned that one or both of you will develop enough resentment to kill the relationship completely.

      My advice is to take a breather, work on your issues, and see what she is willing to do. If she isn’t willing to work to save the relationship, it may already be dead. Only you (or she) can make that call. Be strong, and know that time spent improving yourself is never wasted time. Become a better person, and see what you can do moving forward.

  108. zoe says:

    Hi. I’ve been always in love with a person. Because of the distance we couldn’t be together. I let him go…Then I met my actual husband , he was there at the moment, interested in me etc. I decided to let go of the person that I really love and give myself the opportunity with this other person. We married. I forced myself not to have any communication with my real love so I could dedicate my time in that new relationship etc. It wasn’t the answer. I’ve never been happy with him and never loved him. I’ve been forcing myself to love him but I’ve been hurting myself more and more. I recently got communication for him. He always felt the same way about me and has always looked for me and never found me until now. That love was revived again…more than ever. I truly know now that yes, that love is real and he has always been the love of my life. Im in plans of getting a divorce because I can’t keep hurting myself knowing I love another person. We love each other the same way. Is something so strong and unbelievable…is amazing. I’ve known him for 8 years now. I’m dying inside and suffering because I’m not with him…he feel the same way because he can’t be with me because I’m married. But i really never lovrd my husband.
    Advice??

    • R.A.J says:

      I’m back, I took a break with me and my girlfriend, and i miss her, and i was the one to decide on it, and i wanna know if I should still show her that I love her by signs like winking, and making hand hearts to her from a distance

      • philosiblog says:

        That would depend on if you are ready to start the relationship again. Otherwise you haven’t let her go, you’ve just given her a longer leash, right?

      • R.A.J says:

        Yeah, I just gave her time to think about what she wanted on Monday, but i think she might think I’m moving on, and might think I’m loosing interest

      • philosiblog says:

        Well, you know her better than do I, and you know yourself better than do I. At this point, I think you’re ready to fly on your own. You will have the best feel for how things are going and what you want to tell her. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

    • philosiblog says:

      Such situations are always fraught with danger. Be careful how you move, and be as honest and upright as you can. There are many other things which may factor in, depending on the situation. Are there children? Is there a house (selling a house might prove difficult)?

      Do you have a plan for when you let different people know what is going on? How will you break the news? How will others take it, and how can you help them understand? Perhaps a letter like the comment above could help others understand.

      This won’t be easy, nor will it be fun. But you are (I hope) balancing pleasure and pain for the long term. Many people will try to talk you out of it, listen to them, but decide on your own what path you will take.

      I wish you all the best, and urge you to be strong. You will be in my thoughts as you work you way through this situation.

  109. Jj says:

    I’m with my gf for more than 3 yrs now. During the 2nd yr I went oversea for 3mths, and she cheated on me n started a rs with others. After I’m back and found out myself. I called for a break up. About 2weeks after that, somehow we can’t get over each other n be back together. I forgive her, but can’t seem to forget wht happened. Last yr she started hang out with a bunch of new friends n got tempted by others. And our rs ends again. We broke up for 3mths and she had a new rs. After a short while she dumps the guy n returned back to me. I accepted her back, as I
    loved her a lot. She said, she with that guy for 1week only, and don’t do anything..not even kiss. But recently I found out, my gf lied. They even have sex b4. Seriously I don’t know wht to do, as I love her very much..but I seem can’t get over it and I totally can’t put any trust on her. Does the quotes works on my situation? Or is it she is just taking me for granted? Pls help.

    • philosiblog says:

      This relationship isn’t really the subject of this quote. What you appear to have is a yo-yo. They go over there for a while, then come back. Then off again, somewhere else, then they come back. If you think it’s worth it, the two of you seem to have the pattern down.

      Personally, that’s not my style. Especially not the lying part. But to each their own. I would sit down, by myself, and ask the tough questions. What happens if you get married? What happens if she gets pregnant? Would you even know who the father is? You have to know the answers to these questions and be willing to commit to them for the rest of your life.

      As for getting over her, you will. It may take some time, but you will. The relationship looks like a lot of pain. Chose wisely. Take your time, and then make a decision. And stick with it.

      • Jj says:

        Thanks for ur reply 🙂

        One of the reason she cheated might be pressure from the society. Sometimes she would prefer to have a normal rs, but she loves me that’s y came back. This is what she told me. This time she returned, I can see changes in her. But I’m not sure if I should give her a last chance. I always have the feel, she will be the last one for me.

      • philosiblog says:

        You need to decide what is important in a relationship, from your point of view. Some people value variety over certainty, and it sounds like she might be that kind of person. Some get over it, others do it because no one challenges them to stop.

        Once you have an idea what you want in your life, and what you require of them, it would be time to discuss your thoughts with her. That is, if she hasn’t burned the last bridge before then.

        Life is complicated. Relationships are more so. Sort yourself out first, be fairly sure what you want and need, as well as what is intolerable. But start with you. Until you know yourself, how can they know who they are dealing with?

        I’m sure you will be able to work out your future. What remains to be seen is if it will include her as a friend or as something more, or if you will have to cut her out of your life entirely. Different people react to these discussions in different ways.

        I’ll keep you in my thoughts. Stay strong, and stay true to yourself.

  110. Amla says:

    After explaining to the boyfriend of three months that I was feeling insecure, because of the comments he was making, he told me he wasn’t willing to stop making those comments. I was so hurt, that I texted, “So, you see nothing wrong with those comments? What if I were to joke that way?” He texted back, “I can already see the resentment. This is bad for me. I’m ending this relationship.”
    A little more than a month has passed, and I’m beginning to see that it would have been better for me to have broken it off with him a long time ago. I realize now that I’m worth much more than to be treated that way. I have to love myself enough to not allow a man to disrespect me. I still have feelings for him, but I know it’s best to let him go. I know he won’t ever come back, and I’ve learned to accept that. How do I know? I just feel it. Every other ex-boyfriend who dumped me in the past, later regretted it and tried to talk to me again after seeing that the grass wasn’t greener on the other side. I’ve never accepted any of them back, because I noticed that they are still completely the same people. Nothing’s changed. Then, I feel relief, for having been dumped by them. I thank them for it, from the bottom of my heart.
    I guess, all that is left for me to do now is learn to love myself again after feeling like I made such a mistake for falling for the same kind of guys (just different faces). It all has come down to the fear of loneliness, but now I feel more attracted to the idea of not being with someone. Perhaps, someday, there will be a right guy for me, or maybe not. In the end, I just want the eulogy given on the day of my funeral to say that I lived the later years of my life in happiness.

    • philosiblog says:

      Wow! That is so beautiful. Sometimes you have to go through a lot of frogs to find your Prince. I am glad you have learned from your experiences, and even more glad that you have taken them to heart.

      Indeed, there are worse things to be said over you than they “lived the later years of life in happiness.”

      Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I am so glad you stopped by.

  111. Ann says:

    To me this quote is so simple, so basic, and yet so profound.

    I had this situation. I made a choice to be in the military in a job that could keep me away 3-4 years -no return home. It was during a time the US might be going to war. I felt obliged to do the job I had been asked to do. I left the person I loved for some one else, Uncle Sam. When I signed up, I was not completely sure what I had gotten into. It seemed only fair to give them space and time. How do you ask some one to wait 3-4 years? We were young, still in college. I did love this person more than anything. After the 4 years, we had gone geographically very far from one another. Their life now is well and good. My life has become what I hoped. We live very similar lives now, but with different people.

    • philosiblog says:

      Life can be that way. It sounds like you still have a warm place in your heart for them, and I like that. It also appears that you have moved on, as have they. I’m sure you will stay strong and continue to work on becoming the best person you can become. In that, you will attract the kind of people who want to be around that kind of quality. I imagine your life will be full in due course.

      I’m glad you have come to grips with what has happened in your life, and I wish you all the best.

      Thanks for stopping by, and for sharing your story with us.

  112. Nikki says:

    Ive been with my partner 18 months.Its not been an easy relationship as a lot of baggage from our previous relationships had to be sorted out.Mine was but my partner is still in a messy situation.His wife left him for another man two years ago and he was devastated. We met shortly after. Our relationship was rocky as he was still in some confusion about his wife but we seemed to get along well and had nice times and seemed to form some kind of bond. He broke up with me after 6 months saying he felt he needed to sort his head out in order to make things right between us and didn’t want to be messing me about. (which he had been doing.breaking dates and avoiding me etc) I gave him his space and a few months later he returned saying he was sure it was me he wanted.All was good from there on for 6 months.Then recently he had an accumulation of problems one being a sick family member.another risk of being made redundant from his job this month.His home is also going to be at risk if he losses his job amongst other worries. he has gone off again saying the same thing. Hes all messed up and doesnt want me to be caught up in his mess as he feels he will be letting me down again by breaking dates and avoiding me etc. Im so upset that this has happened again as I thought our relationship was now a lot stronger and we had been happy.I don’t know what to do as I am concerned he is not coping and maybe feels somewhat depressed.I know I cant force myself on him and I haven’t but I want to feel ive done all I can before step back.Have you any suggestions? I guess im feeling if its meant to be it will be and leave him be again.on the other hand I am really worried about him.All ive said so far is I care about him and want to support him as a partner would and im here for him,but hes very proud and seems to feel my offer of support leaves him feeling like a bit if a lost cause. Help!

    • philosiblog says:

      The good news is you seem to have found a fairly honest and forthright guy. He’s trying to be noble and protect you from the mess that appears to be headed his way. Right or wrong, that’s most likely what is going through his head, and he probably figures he’s doing you a favor by keeping you away from him when he is at his worst.

      Yep, it may be hard, but you’re going to have to break through his armor and help him understand that you want to be his partner, and that means in both the good as well as the bad. Help him understand you’re doing this as his partner, not as an act of charity. Friends help each-other, and you’re there to try to help him.

      Stay strong. It sounds like he’ll be back as soon as he has things sorted out, if you can wait that long.

      Talking things out might get you the results you’re hoping for, but it might not. It all depends on how well he responds to your discussion with him. It’s not going to be an easy run, but if you care for him, that is the path I would recommend you try.

  113. Nikki says:

    Im guessing you are male?
    Thank you so much for your input.I think you are right in what you have said and I will try to help him understand where im coming from. He is very difficult to communicate with as he still has a lot of emotional barriers up since his marriage break up. He is a very kind honest man but also very quiet. He doesn’t have or want a large circle of friends or social life. I think he is possibly a bit of a loner and finds it difficult to attach hiself to anyone, so he is a tough cookie to crack but 18 months must say something right?
    I was going ask him if he would like to move in with me so it will help him out of his situation with work and his house but I know he is very independent also. Its just I guess if I offer I will feel ive done my best.Do you think this is a good or bad idea being as we have been taking the relationship slowly because of our previous break ups and the hurt we went through? He is very afraid of being hurt again.
    Many thanks again.

    • philosiblog says:

      Yes, I am male. Also a loner and not fond of crowds.

      It sounds like you’ve made some progress with him over the past year and a half. My recommendation would be to be honest with him, and let him know what you would like to do to help him and your relationship.

      My guess is subtle doesn’t work well with him, and that he would resent any feelings that you are trying to manipulate him or act behind the scenes. To that end, be as transparent as you can, and help him understand what you are trying to accomplish.

      If that’s not the case, I still recommend the same path, as I have found that being honest and forthright are the best things in a relationship.

      Stay strong, these are all passing phases, waves on the sea of life. Eventually they will pass.

  114. Nikki says:

    Thank you so much for your sound advice. Your comments to others inspired me to write to you. You must have a lot of knowledge or first hand experience with affairs of the heart. I will keep you updated on my progress. Was nice talking to you. I’m from the Uk. I’m guessing your in the states?
    All the best Philosiblog.

    • philosiblog says:

      Yes, and yes. Lots of experience & living in the USA. Managed a 2 week holiday to UK, visiting London, Wales, Ireland, N.Ireland and Scotland.

      Paternal line goes back to Saxon England, just East of Plymouth, pre-Norman era. Came to the States in early 1600’s.

  115. Nikki says:

    Hello again.I spoke to my partner and he said he was sorry for what he had put me through but he doesn’t feel he’s able to commit to any relationship as he just doesn’t feel settled.His words hit me hard but I realise it took him a lot of courage to meet and say this.He said hes not proud of how he’s handled things.Avoiding me etc but its because he cares and doesn’t want to hurt me and having this conversation is the last thing he wanted.He said you want more and he cant give it.He even started talking about packing up and moving away! I said are you telling me its over and he said no.Then I was confused.He left me by saying he wouldn’t hide away anymore and would meet me for a while today! He looked very upset and everything he said was very confusing.Please advise me what to do? I told him how I feel and I don’t want to lose him and he went quiet.He kissed me and walked away and I just felt this is not what he wants but he seems very damaged and scared to get too serious still as well as all the other problems with his job (which may I add looks possible he may keep!).I asked him if it was because he felt things were getting too serious and he said yes.Obviously theres a lot more to this story than I can write but that is the basic gist. As I said before he is a bit of a loner and if he took off he would be completely alone.Im terrified hes going to disappear.What do I do??

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like things are a little too intense for either of you to handle well. It might be better to limit the face-to-face, but keep in touch with notes, texts, e-mail, or phone calls.

      Once his job situation is better known, he should de-stress a little. It sounds like both of you have a pretty good understanding of where the other is coming from, and what the other is trying to do. However, the crux of the problem seems to be that they are not the same.

      My concern is that the harder you push, the more you might cause him to back away. That’s a fine line, and one I cannot see from this great distance. You will have to figure out what is the proper amount of contact he can handle. Also include what you can handle in the equation. If you stop by to see him and you are frantic, it’s not going to help his situation, right?

      There is no quick or easy solution. You will have to help him as best you can, but he has to come to grips with what is happening. When he is ready, you will know. Until then, be careful. It sounds like he has strong feelings for you.

      Stay strong, and be gentle. Easier said than done, but I believe you can do it, based on your comments.

  116. Nikki says:

    Ps I didn’t meet him today as I really could not face him.Im too upset and unsure what to say.

    • philosiblog says:

      Just be careful about what he might think about a broken ‘date’ and how that might impact his decision making process. Make sure you let him know, in advance if possible, that you had something else come up and reschedule for a fixed time in the future.

      “Let’s get together sometime next week” sounds like you’re trying to drift away…

  117. Nikki says:

    Thank you. I’ve taken all your comments on board and will let you know the next chapter!
    Why are relationships so hard!!!

    • philosiblog says:

      If they were easy, we would give them no value. That’s why guys remember the kisses they had to work for. The others, not so much.

      Besides, you’ll get a great story out of this either way. Stay strong and keep on smiling.

  118. Nikki says:

    Hello again. Um well the good news is his job is safe! so a great relief and as you rightly said he should de stress a little and he has. He called me up sat morning and invited me out for the day.Of course I accepted and we had the loveliest time as usual. We both had a fair bit to drink and only then did he feel comfortably to talk. He told me he really really likes me a lot and then he became quite emotional and grabbed hold of me really tight He had tears in his eyes.I was shocked as he normally finds it very difficult to show his feelings. He said he was just very scared because of what we had both experienced in our last relationship and he wouldn’t ever want anyone to go through that.I said to him lets just see how things go and i’ll move at your pace.He said you don’t understand and went on to say im better off without him and meeting someone else who can give me what I need and deserve. I said I don’t want anyone else.He kept saying his head felt all messed up.Anyway I stayed the night at his house and things have been fine since.Im still not sure what I should be doing but I feel some progress has been made. My fear is he will do this backing off thing again and not come back next time. What is your view on this now? I feel we are so happy when together but it seems to scare him.Does this fear of getting to involved seems like the root cause to you?

    • philosiblog says:

      Men are strange creatures and very difficult to predict. However, I believe that the path you are on is your best shot. There are no guarantees, but you can try to stack the deck in your favor. I imagine the biggest thing you did, from his point of view, was be there for him, even though he didn’t feel worthy. His self-esteem sounds a bit shaken, so handle him gently. Helping him build his esteem should help your cause.

      As for root cause, pain seems to be that. Both the fear of receiving it, and of giving it to you. At least it appears from what you have related that he is as concerned, or perhaps more concerned with hurting you or causing you pain than with his own circumstances. The chance of getting tangled up with you isn’t the source of pain, but the entanglement means that if he goes through a tough spot (like losing a job, as an example), he can’t shield you from the fallout.

      With that in mind, I would recommend you keep a broader eye out for what could cause trouble. I think you’re over this rough spot, but life is full of them. Work on making him feel worthy of you, and things should become more solid. There is still a chance that it might not work out, but I believe it is your best chance at improving both your lives.

  119. nikki says:

    Okay so what your saying is its not the involvement with me that scares him but any crisis that may arise that he finds difficult to deal with he will push me away to protect me from his own self and how he reacts to the crisis? Have I explained it right?

    • philosiblog says:

      That is part of the issue. He seems pretty self-less. That can come about from a great deal of confidence, or a great lack of it. From what you described, my guess would be the latter.

      The more involved he is with you, the more difficult it would become to protect you from anything that happened to him. It’s a different way to look at things, but I’ve been there before, as have friends of mine.

  120. nikki says:

    If this is the case why does he worry so much about the pain we both suffered through our ex’s behaviour? That seems to be a big issue to him. I thought he meant that the whole thought of getting involved with anyone at the risk of it breaking up was to great for him to receive or give. Does that make sense?

    • philosiblog says:

      My guess is that he feels he is to blame for getting you involved in the mess of his ex. My guess is that he believes he should have (somehow) protected you or shielded you from that experience. That you only suffered because he wasn’t able to properly protect you.

      As for your question, it may be the case that he is still fragile, and reluctant to become involved because of his own state of mind. The only person who really has a clue is him, and even then, he might not realize what or why he is doing some of these things. When it comes to deep emotional hurt, logic is not often invited.

      Be strong and keep working on it. Try to be sensitive to when your questions and probing become too much. You don’t want to drive him deeper into his shell, right?

  121. nikki says:

    Ol ok I understand now. The business with his ex was created before I knew him though.So the mess was already there.
    I think my fear is if he really feels he cant commit properly and bolts for good I will be left heartbroken once again and I don’t know how I can protect myself from that. Its a very difficult situation all round but I take on board all you’ve said and I really believe he is a genuine guy and worth hanging on to. I know there are no guarantees in any relationship.
    I don’t tend to ask too many questions as I can feel its uncomfortable for him but its not as bad as it used to be.
    I will keep you updated. I hope you don’t mind me writing to you. Your so easy to communicate with and also a complete outsider which is nice.
    I’m sure you’ve helped so many people with your knowledge and experience.
    Many big thanks.

    • philosiblog says:

      Well, I’m glad that things are going better for you. Just remember to keep working on you, and helping him only when he is willing to be helped. Stay strong, and keep smiling.

      • Nikki says:

        Hello Philosiblog. How are you?
        Im back again.Im so confused.Everything was going well.Weve had some lovely times since I last contacted you.Weve even started spending more time together.He’s been lovely.
        Then last week I felt things were going weird again.He avoided my calls and texts for two days.When he finally contacted me I asked what was wrong and he said ‘nothing’
        We went out yesterday and had a lovely time.When he left he said do you want to go out tomorrow? meaning today.I said yes and we planned to meet around 2ish.He said he’d call me.Well he never did and his phone has been switched off all day.Its 7pm now.Im so upset and don’t know how much more of this i can take as it hurts!
        When he does these things I just don’t understand why he doesn’t get a message to me to say he cant make it etc,but he does the same thing,just disappears and avoids me.Its been the best day of the year here in England weather wise.Really sunny and hot.I see people out and about doing things together and were like this! It really upsets me.What should I do? What should I say to him?

      • philosiblog says:

        I’m fine, but sounds like you are a bit of a mess. It sounds like he’s trying to be ‘normal’ and treat you well, but that he still has issues which are not yet completely resolved.

        It’s up to you, but it sounds like he’s not ready just yet. How much space can you give him, how can you adapt to let him lead at a pace he is comfortable? This might not be something that will resolve itself quickly. How long are you willing to wait? How much of this can you tolerate?

        However, from your prior comments, I believe if you lay it out like that to him, he will cut you out, and say it’s for your own good. Tread lightly. But the problem seems to be him, and his state of mind. Until he gets is house in order, things will continue to be rocky.

        My advice is to take things as slowly as you can, and work with whatever other friends he has to help him feel more comfortable about working on himself. Stay strong, and be willing to brave some rough weather.

  122. nikki says:

    Yes I definitely will and thank you so much.Fingers crossed it works out!!

    • Nikki says:

      Thank you for your reply.Sadly he has no friends that are close enough to even talk it over with.Im probably the closest person to him except the sick family member whom I have not met.
      I think I will do as you suggest and move slowly as I myself feel a bit fragile since the weekend.Im so scared of getting more involved only to be hurt and left alone.
      One thing I really don’t understand and you may be able to throw some light on being as you are male.Why would he always choose to let me down and not even tell me when he knows how upset that makes me? Isnt it bad mannered to not even send me a short tx to say sorry I cant make our date after all? I know hes not a nasty person in any way I really cant understand this? Whats your view on this?

      • philosiblog says:

        Sad to hear he has so small of a support network. It also seems appropriate, given what you mentioned earlier.

        Which brings me to your question. The simple answer is fear. He is afraid of letting you down, so instead, he runs away. It is a defensive mechanism, often learned early in life, and as long as it works, it will continue to be used. Even though things get worse by delaying and avoiding, so long as they don’t have to deal with it right now, it’s better. Tomorrow, things may be different. It’s not a very good method, but it is one way to deal with stress and problems you don’t want to have to face. I can’t guarantee that is what is going on, but it seems to fit with the rest of what you have described that you are dealing with.

        It may not be very reassuring, but I hope that helps a little.

  123. shriya says:

    hello
    I read your blog and found your replies very wise and thoughtful. I’am also in a mess here so i thought i could write here and relieve some of my worries and at the same time get some thoughtful response.
    I am in a relationship for the past four years. we also live together and work in the same office. I have been bit clingy and have not given him enough space and our lives have been limited to each other in the past. we love each other very much. he also says that he loves me and wants to marry me in few years. He has introduced our relationship to his friends and family and two months ago i didn’t have any doubt in our relationship.
    two months ago he became very friendly with another girl, and i did not objects as there was nothing to object to. with time he has only become very close to her to the extent that they meet every day. as a result he does not spend any time with me even though we live in the same house. when i ask him he says that he really loves me but right now he has to give his attention entirely to the new girl. he has also said that she is in love with him and his main goal is to help her gently realize that she can be fine without him. i know he cares for her but i feel he is becoming obsessed with her and he can not see the rift that is developing in our relationship. i have tried to reason out with him numerous time but he wont see the problem or accept it. all our conversation goes on to become muddled talks and complains. what do i do?

    • philosiblog says:

      I’m kind of old-fashioned about this kind of situation. If you can handle it, more power to you. But I would put my foot down. I believe he has to choose. If you are more afraid of losing him than you are of sharing him, or perhaps sharing and then losing him anyway, then there is little to do but wait. Otherwise, I would recommend you fight for what is yours.

      Basically you have to either live with it, or make a change. What you are willing to do, how hard you are willing to push to help him understand is something only you can answer. It doesn’t have to be instant, but you might consider giving him a deadline. Let him know he has (as an example) two weeks to finish letting her down and getting back to you.

      If he is unwilling to make that much effort, I think you have a new understanding of what you mean to him, don’t you? In any case, stay strong, and keep working to be a better you. Not so you can keep his attention, but because you deserve to be the best possible person you can be. And keep smiling. He’ll wonder what you’re up to. 8)

      I don’t know if that’s was a sufficiently thoughtful response, but that’s what I have for you today.

      • shriya says:

        Thank you for your response. I had given him a kind of deadline for one weak and he had understood that he needed to let go within that time. I left after that thinking putting distance would make him realize the urgency. I just spoke to him yesterday and he is still emotionally in a turmoil trying to help her. he does not like it when i bring up the topic but once in a while he does share how difficult his task is where he is trying to help her fall out of love with him. he asks what he can do. i tell him that she to needs space to breathe if she wants to move on. but he does not approve of anyone’s way. he did say that he loves me very much but i should be prepared to be happy without him. i know that he will not officially be in a romantic relationship with her but i think this relationship is making his “task” more difficult.
        i think more than helping her fall out of love he himself is torn between trying to fall in love with her and not wanting to fall out of love.

      • philosiblog says:

        It sounds like he isn’t sure what is going on in his life. I imagine it’s even more difficult for you to try to figure out what to do. All I can recommend is to stay strong, and let him know he has a choice to make. How can you move forward in your life with him when you have evidence that he is easily swayed by a stray kitten?

        As painful as it may be, if he cannot let her go, it is better to move on now rather than investing months or even years in the relationship and then finding this weakness after it’s too late.

      • shriya says:

        thank you for your response just that it is so difficult and painful. It was a relationship of four years and those were days when we were each others strength.

  124. engstruct8 says:

    Right now, I’m going through this. I believe in the quote above that if he loves me and is ready to marry, he will come back. My now ex-fiance and I have been dating 7 years now (1 year on and off engagement), and he has struggled with feeling ready to marry. He wants to marry me because he thinks I’m the one (and I feel he’s the one for me), but he doesn’t feel totally ready to take on the responsibility and closeness – he thinks it’s a timeline issue. I’m ready to marry now, and he isn’t yet. In this process, we had two no contact breaks, and he came back each time because he loves me. He is 26, a year younger than me, and has only been in his job right out of college for a year. He feels he hasn’t experienced much life on his own yet, while I have lived alone now 4 years after graduating from college. We both love each other very much and yesterday, we decided to let each other go and break up for now. I don’t think he can ever settle down if he doesn’t experience crappy situations and reality. Everything just happens too easily for him without hard work or struggle…except this. His parents told me he tends to learn things the hard way. It has been painful and an emotional roller-coaster. I think breaking up for now will be the best thing for us. He knows he is free to come back when he is ready to seek my love, but that I may or may not choose to rekindle our engagement, especially if I am in another relationship (which would be difficult for me to even attempt for a while). He knows that coming back means he has to be completely comfortable to move in together and marry soon after he returns. Yes, it is scary, but I think it’s our only chance of success. We can’t keep holding on as he’s going back and forth. I just hope it all works out in the end.

    • philosiblog says:

      That decision takes a great deal of strength and courage. From what you said, it sounds like it was something which had to be done. Sometimes it takes a kick in the head to clear out the cobwebs and get you thinking straight again.

      There isn’t much for me to say, you said it all so eloquently. I will keep you in my thoughts as you work your way through this rough time in your life.

  125. engstruct8 says:

    I just want to say too that this was not an easy decision at all to make. Yesterday when we came to the decision to break up, both of us cuddled and cried on my couch together, and we kept kissing and telling each other how much we love each other. It was quite sad, but our choices were to either hang on until he becomes ready…which we have no idea when that would be and we’ve been doing this for a year now, or to break up and hope he feels ready and comes back to me before it’s too late if I move on…or I guess he could too, but we don’t want to at all. We kept telling each other that we didn’t want to break up and it’s all because he can’t yet permanently feel totally fine with getting married. It’s ridiculous and really stinks. I hope he makes his way back to me knowing for sure that he is ready and I’m still the one. I hope I still want to marry him at that point as well. It feels like we are completely meant for each other, flaws and all. I guess time will tell. Wish us the best.

  126. Tere says:

    Hi, I am hispanic so forgive my lack of precision in my ortography. I was searching the meaning of this phrase and I came across your interpretation. Actually I am having a hard time with the person I love. We used to be together and he break up with me, a month went by and I insisted until we kind of try it again. He said that he still love me but we needed like a fresh start. I was in complete agreement with him. But suddenly he started doubting, one week he loves me, the other he is not sure and I decided to stay for a while but if he is not even sure if he loves me it is too painful for me to stay. The thing is that…it took me a lot of strenght but I have decided that the best thing is to let him go. I love him with all my heart but I deserve someone that loves me too, that fights for me, that wants to make me happy. He used to use that bible phrase to describe our love, the one that you used…and if everything was true I hope he comes back. SOOOO ahahah I want to thank you because your analisis of this phase helped me a lot. Blessings for you and your wife.

    • philosiblog says:

      That is one of my favorite things about this blog; the number of different countries and languages that it gets to. I’m glad you found it and I’m glad it was helpful to you. Thanks for the kind words and for keeping my wife and I in your thoughts.

      Stay strong, and keep on working to improve yourself, because you deserve to be the best person you can possibly become. There is someone out there for you. Perhaps they will wise up, or perhaps it will be someone else. Time alone will tell.

  127. texansfight says:

    Hello. Not sure what is going on here. But she wont talk to me, basically has dropped all communication, except not deleting me on Facebook. We have been dating for 5 months. Took off like a rocket early. We have such great potential, and she sees that, and does like me. But I let my ex come back into the picture a couple months in and I was not fully there for her. She knew something was off … we had a couple disagreements that lingured, I made a dumb comment, but we still talked and hung out….. then after a long lul…. we talked about what was up and about ending things as I was not all there. I said ok, prob for best but its not what I wanted…. then she insisted on being friends, and very soon she asked me on a date and to work on things. And we both agreed to. Well, this time I was pretty involved and ready to give this a real shot. She started being distant eventually despite lovely days together and me putting forth the right effort. Before our most recent scheduled date I asked her what was up and she admitted she was nervous things were going to be like they were before and I was reading things properly and that she was being distant. We talked about her doing more, and us being on the same page (not sure if I was in position to ask that of her) In short, I kind of blew her off that night after I felt like I was being blown off (I had planned this date all week, and she sent me a text at like 8 pm in prime date time after I told her to call me after she gets some rest.) So now she will not return my calls or attempts. I have not been needy or desperate, but just letting her know I care and I she can talk to me about anything. Dropped off coffee at work, and sent a funny/cheezy poem on Mothers day. Nothing. I do like this girl, and I know we can still tap into that potential if given a chance. Guess its time to move on and see if she just needed space? Any recommendation here? I am wondering if this is a case of showing her how much I care (that was absent to an extent), and that I have learned somethings and I am ready to change for the better and ready to do what is right. This has indeed made me realize what I could have had.

    Love the blog. Thanks!

    • philosiblog says:

      Thanks for the kind words.

      Well, it sounds like you dug yourself a hole, doesn’t it? And that’s not a good thing. If you think you are still interested, have you considered starting over at the beginning? What was it that got you two started in the first place? Is it worth starting over again? Or are you willing to just be friends?

      What can you do to heal the wounds that it appears you caused? What can you do to fill in the hole and get back on your feet? Obviously a cheezy poem wasn’t enough. What next?

      One other option is to be completely honest and open. Let her know that you understand you blew it, let her know that you still want to make it work. Ask her what you need to do to get things back again. Then decide if it’s worth the effort, and plan accordingly.

      I wish you all the best, and will keep you in my thoughts. Stay strong, and mind your own course. You can’t live your life to please someone else.

      • texansfight says:

        Many thanks for the reply. All great questions. Thats the thing… not sure what to do next. We met online… went on a few dates and she was super into me, and we had a blast dating. It was a couple months in that I let my ex get into my head and I started to deviate from where we were headed. That and I do have a protective wall around my heart that sometimes I find faults in others when I know I shouldnt be. This has really opened up my eyes and I have learned some valuable things about myself. I do really like this girl and I do really want to work things out. We had such an amazing day together with her daughter just two weeks ago at the amusment park,etc… and I know she felt that too. The problem is she now has basically blacklisted me and hasnt responded to anything. Maybe its too soon? Maybe I need to continue to touch her with pressure free contact.

        I dont know what my next move is… but I am fighting a mental battle in regards to the line between coming off as needy vs. doing what I feel is right as a man to win her back and show her she can trust in me.

        Thinking of maybe writing a letter to her like you suggested. I worry that I will simply never hear back from her no matter what I send and that is the worst thought of em all. Some say to just buck up and move on and she will find me if she wants to and no contact is the only way and if I send anything it will only push her further away.

        Is this a standard no contact scenario in your opinion? Or is she needing to see more from me you think?

        Certainly a pickle I am in! lol

        Thank you again for your time as it is valuable.

      • philosiblog says:

        It sounds like you still have some work to do on yourself. That’s where I’d put most of my time and energy.

        As for what she wants, I got no clue! 8) If you have any mutual friends, you can try to find out through them, but you may just have to guess.

        I believe things work out for their own purposes, and that you will learn much from this series of events. Whatever happens, try to remember that much, OK?

  128. Ms.Lj says:

    Hi i need your help. I was in a relationship for 4 years and we broke up couple of times but we ended up getting back together, but yesterday it was real one. He has a family, a gf and 2 kids. They are not married cause the girl is married to another man, that’s what he said and dont want to marry her, as a woman and being in a relationship for 4 years i expect something. But he cannot give it to me cause he said he cannot leave his kids. I always got jealous about his gf as they sleep together. I got so crazy about the situation, i want him so bad, we only see each other once a month and we always make it worth the wait, we are always happy when were together, i told him that we better end it up he said he doesnt want cause he loves me, he cried and telling me that he really love me. I met his brother which is a bestfriend of his gf, and i met his closest friends. I dont want him out of my life but my head is driving me crazy and almost complaining to him everyday, What should i do? Do i really have to move on? I love him and i dont think i can live without him, dont even know where to start. Thank you, hope you response.

    • philosiblog says:

      To me, the first question should be “What about this situation can I change?” Can you change him? Can you change her? Can you change anyone besides yourself?

      From what you wrote, I believe that he has made it abundantly clear that he is not leaving her. It is up to you to decide if once a month is enough, or if you deserve better. Once you make that decision, I believe your path will be a bit less cloudy.

      Either way, I believe we all need to grow and improve. What about yourself can you change to help you be a better person? What can you work on to be stronger, smarter, and better equipped to handle whatever life may send your way?

      While you are improving yourself, life will work itself out. If you stand, paralyzed, for life to work itself out, it still will, but you will have gained nothing in the process.

      That probably wasn’t the answer you wanted to hear, but it is my best advice. You have a lot of thinking to do, and some tough decisions to make. Stay strong. You are worth it!

      • Ms Lj says:

        Hi thank you for the response. He is now having problem of finding work, and if he couldn’t find work til next month he needs to pack his things and move back to his country. I’m Filipina and he is finnish. I asked him if he move back there, is it really the end of our story, he said no. He asked me to give him a little time to find work and if i keep on interfering him, he will pack his stuff. What’s wrong with me is i can’t last a day without talking to him and its always end up fighting which is bad. I don’t even remember when we had a nice conversation. There was this time, i guess like 3 weeks ago, i didn’t contacted him for a week, i let him do his stuff and me do mine. I had skin rashes and he got really worried, he keeps on calling and asking if how i’m doing and if i’m feeling better already. He asked me to go to the doctor to have check up which i did. Now last night we talked, he said if we cant have a proper conversation, and always fight, we don’t need to talk anymore. He said he don’t want me when i’m like this, he don’t want to see me when i’m like this and absolutely not want to talk to me when i’m like this. Is it bad that i always remind him how hurt i am that we couldn’t be together? So apparently, he dumped me and doesn’t want to hear anything from me, he cried and he said he loves me but he cannot take it anymore. He said he would contact me when he wants to talk to me, he will let me know. Better give him space eh? This is gonna be so hard for me, but i think that’s the best thing i can do. I don’t want to put aside all the precious memories we had, and if i’m only gonna work on changing myself so hard, i guess we’re gonna be able to start again you think? I really love him, he was my first foreigner boyfriend and lasted for years. I really want him back, so bad. He said i should always smile cause i have a wonderful smile( hehe) and he fell inlove with my personality. What should i do?

        And sorry for my english, guess not good enough to explain it more 😀

      • philosiblog says:

        Start with something I want you to always remember – the good times. No matter what the outcome, he has been part of your life, and there were good times. I agree: “I don’t want to put aside all the precious memories we had” and I don’t want you to either, no matter what happens.

        That said, it appears you have been given some time to work on your future. He says you have a good smile and a wonderful personality, so that’s a good foundation. What are some of the things you’ve wanted to do, but hadn’t had time for? What parts of you are you least pleased with, or you feel need some improvement? Those might be things in which to invest some time, right?

        Stay strong, as falling apart won’t help anything, right? Your thoughts will drift to him from time to time, and that’s normal. Just don’t stay there and do nothing besides think of him. Smile, and then move on to the next thing you need to get done.

        Time alone will tell. What will you do while you wait?

  129. Rock says:

    My parents searched a beautiful girl for me for marriage. Accordingly I saw the girl & got ready to marry with that girl. Our engagement ceremony took place on last year in the month of June in traditional Indian way. After that we were in contact with each other on mobile for one year. Meanwhile we created a very strong relationship with each other while taking with each other on mobile. So many times I expressed my feelings to meet her on her college, but she refused it each time stating her family members will not allowed her to meet in such way. In her college she has having a friend (male candidate) with whom she shares everything. She also told me that she is having a very good friend from her school days. She used to call him her BEST FRIEND. I always got suspicious about their relationship. One day angrily I asked her whether she is in love with that boy (best friend). She said : -“no, I am not in love with him. He is like my brother. You can ask anybody about our relationship in college” I accepted the thing but took a promise from her that she should be maintain a distance or better be away from that boy since she got engaged with me. She promised me. But after some days I came to know that she was still having a very good friendship with that boy. So I told my parents that I will not marry with that girl since she had not stop talking with that boy. After that I shouted on her angrily on mobile & told her that I will not marry her. Due to this she fainted & got hospitalized.During this period when she was in Hospital my parents were in touch with her parents on mobile asking her health. But I never talked with any of the member of their family. But
    after three weeks I realized my mistake & being in love with her I was ready to marry her. I said sorry to her & her parents & brothers. But that girl refused to forgive me & now was not ready to marry me. So many times I said sorry to her but she is not ready to marry me. I love her so much, but she is not ready to accept me. Then what should I do? Should I think that the girl was not in love with me? Because she is not ready to accept me. Pls suggest.

    • philosiblog says:

      We cannot force others to accept us or to love us. We can only invite them to do so. Unfortunately, it sounds like you made her feel unwelcome, and she will have to heal before anything can happen.

      It sounds like the situation may not be saved, and it may be a total loss. While you wait to see if she will come back, what will you do? My recommendation is to work on becoming a better person. Some things which stood out in your comment include jealousy issues as well as anger issues. That is where I would start.

      Stay strong, and no matter how this situation works out, work hard at becoming a better person, and learning from what happened.

  130. Rosa del Campo says:

    Hi, I was seeking some input on my situation. I met who I believe to be the man of my life exactly a year ago. We had a huge conection and started a serious relationship soon after. A couple of months later he started becoming distant, until he finally broke up with me. I was so shocked and sad because everything had seemed perfect. From then on we’ve tried to be friends, but have only ended in this on again off again type roller coaster. He says he loves me, but is not ready for me. So about 3 weeks ago I just let go and 2 weeks later he contacted me. I kept convos casual and short, but he just kept contacting me casually as well that week. Neither of us were saying much, it was awkward and just seemed like we were playing pretend. Then on Monday I sent him an email explaining how I didn’t know what he was conacting me for, but that I was over our situation. I told him I loved him, but that I couldn’t take it anymore and that if after a year he is still unsure of me it can only mean that he doesn’t think I’m the one or that I’m not worth taking seriously in his eyes. I asked him to please not contact me again. Also, yesterday was his bday and I didn’t even wish him a happy bday, I’m sure he expected me to make the exception of NC, but I didn’t. For the first time I seriously feel it’s time to let go, no exceptions, not even bday wishes, at least not so soon haha. Now, my question would be, does this apply as letting go? I obviously would hope he takes time to grow and maybe realize he misses me, or decide to come back. If that were the case, the fact that I told him not to contact me is irrelevant, right? I’m still the one letting go even if I “ended” our contact…right? Hehe Thanks 🙂 

    • philosiblog says:

      To me, who ended it, who let go, isn’t the important part. The point is he is free and has the time and space necessary to figure out what he wants, what he needs, what he desires.

      If that ends up being you, he will be back. If not, you have escaped many more months, or even years, on the roller coaster.

      The other thing to consider is what will you do with your time while you are waiting? Sitting by the phone, waiting for a call is probably not the best use of your time. I would recommend spending some of the time working to improve yourself. Become the best possible person you can be at the moment. Not to better attract him, but to improve yourself and your life.

      Stay strong. Things will work themselves out. The future might include him, and it might not. But there will still be a future either way. How will you prepare for it?

  131. alan says:

    hi, i just came by your blog and i feel i can share my current situation with you, i dated this girl for 2years, i was an ass for some part of it, eventually we broke up, i thought it will be our normal fight and we’ll be back together, but, she met another man, i tried to get her back cause i love her very much, we met, talked about it. She said she doesn’t love the guy, but his nice to him, she cried when we were talking about this and we had a fun evening, so she said she needs some days to think about it and have to chose if to come back or stay with him, i’m scared i don’t have a chance in this and on the other hand i feel like a bad person to take her back from this caring guy. Please help with your thought.

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like she still has feelings for you, which is to your advantage. However, your past isn’t.

      I would take a little time to consider what you did, and more importantly, why you did it. How can you change yourself so that you are no longer that person? What would you have to believe to do it again, and what would you have to believe to never do it again?

      Also consider how can you become just as good and caring as he is. You can change yourself, right? Start now, and work on becoming a better person, a better you. Not so that she likes you, but so that you are a better person. We all have room to grow, things which need to be improved. What are they, and how will you improve yourself?

      You will still have a better place to start from as you begin the next stage of your life, whether she comes back or not. Does that make sense?

  132. Ever says:

    Hi. Can I still ask you an advice about this quote ?
    Regards
    Ever

    • philosiblog says:

      Of course. I look forward to hearing from you, and I will provide what little advice I have. Read some of the other comments, and you’ll have a pretty good feel for what I’m likely to say. 8)

  133. Nikki says:

    I’m lost where to reply now! ha ha.
    Gosh that is so very interesting and makes total sense with his character.I feel a lot calmer having some understanding about this.
    You know so much don’t you? im intrigued by the things you say.
    Saturday eve he talked a bit about his wife. Some things he told me were shocking to me. She was very mentally and physically abusive towards him throughout their marriage.She was a drinker and when she was drunk she’d turn nasty and abuse him.She hit him many times and even broke his toe by stamping on it so hard with her stilettos. I have tears in my eyes picturing that as he is such a placid guy.He never once retaliated in all their years of marriage.He tried his best to restrain her.I am so opposite to her and much like him.Steer away from rows and am easy going.I try to accept people for what they are warts and all and hope people do the same with me.
    I don’t know what kind of childhood he had.He was brought up in the catholic faith and witnessed his father repeatedly come home drunk and beat up on his mum.His mum had him in her 40s and he is one of 4 boys and the baby of the family.His brothers are all at least 8 years older than him.
    He told me his parents never really encouraged him in life.so he made his own way.
    Just out of interest what age would you say he was going on what I tell you?
    By the way my friend is an Art Psychotherapist and I haven’t told her I write to you but when I went to her house last week she was reading ‘ The Examined Life! ‘ How weird is that?
    Thank you so much for your wisdom.I always look back at the things you’ve said to me.

    • philosiblog says:

      Knowledge comes from learning from my mistakes, and I’ve made a lot of them. I also went through a phase similar to what he is going through, and had similar behaviors. As for age, I’d guess in his mid 30’s, but it’s just a guess. From all you said he has been through, he may need a little professional help to come to grips with his past, and to get beyond it. It sounds like some aspects of it still haunt him.

      That (your friend also reading this blog) is an interesting coincidence. The more the merrier! I’m not that sure what an Art Psychotherapist is, unless they deal strictly with people named Arthur Or is it for those with Arthurian complexes, the English version of a Napoleon complex? Or do they try to figure out what is going on inside people based on how they express themselves in paintings? Probably that last one, right? 8)

      Glad that I’ve been able to steer you in the right direction, and that things seem to be looking up for you. Continue to be strong, and keep a light hand, he sounds fragile.

      • Nikki says:

        You sound like you’ve lived a lot of life? You also quite sound similar characters!
        Yes Art psychotherapy is based around people expressing their selves through paintings.I don’t quite get how it works but apparently it does.
        My partner is mid 40s as I am.
        I also feel he needs some professional help but sadly he really is not the kind of guy that would consider that. Guess that’s a man thing!

      • philosiblog says:

        Perhaps you could talk him into taking up painting… 8)

  134. Nikki says:

    Ive just received a text from him this morn and it says ‘im sorry for always letting you down. I cant do a relationship’
    Ive not replied yet.Please help?

    • philosiblog says:

      Try to work with him as a friend, if you can handle it. It sounds like he may be close, if he’s communicating and not hiding. See if you can talk him into seeking professional help. Sorry things took a turn for the worse, but that’s how life goes sometimes. Only you know how much more you can take, but I would ask you to try to hold out long enough to get him moving on the path to recovery. He sounds like he’s pretty messed up.

      Also let him know that, if it’s true, that it’s not that bad. You aren’t hurt all that bad by being ‘let down’ from time to time. That you still want a relationship, but it can be on his terms, and progress slowly. The point is he may be making a bigger deal out of his guilt over letting you down (not uncommon in abused people, a sense of unworthiness and failure) than is appropriate.

  135. Nikki says:

    Thank you again for your reply.
    I will go with what you have suggested and be gentle how I say things. He wont talk to me face to face at the moment. Not after what he has said. He will go into hiding again now,so I will have to resort to a text message.
    We both seem to find communication quite difficult when it comes to feelings and emotions. I guess this comes from our previous relationships.
    You are right when you said about him making a bigger deal out of his guilt than he needs to. He always seems to blame hiself for everything and saying sorry. Hes so hard on hiself.
    What I don’t understand it how he said how much he used to love his wife when she treated him so awful?
    Do you think he still wants to be with me?

    • philosiblog says:

      I’m not a psychiatrist, but my guess is that like many people in abusive relationships, they build their value and self worth around the abuse. Kind of like Stockholm Syndrome, I guess.

      As for still wanting to be with you, I’d say yes, or he’d have dropped you like a stone. That isn’t much comfort, but as long as you go slowly, I think you stand a chance.

      But don’t forget to keep working on yourself. The better off you are, the better you can help others. You mentioned having had prior relationships which were difficult. That might be a place for you to start working on yourself.

  136. Nikki says:

    Ive not heard of Stockholm Syndrome but i will look it up.
    I had 18 months of councilling with my friend (but not art psychotherapy) when my previous relationship broke up.. I too had a lot of demons.Im a lot stronger now than ive ever been but its very hard to keep a clear head.
    Ive sent him a text tonight. See how he responds to that.
    I will keep you informed of the progress if you don’t mind?
    What is the time difference between London and where you are? Its now 23.07 here.
    Thank you once again for all your help.Youve been a tower of strength to me.
    Goodnight.

    • philosiblog says:

      I’m glad I have been able to provide some comfort.

      I embedded a link to the Wikipedia entry for Stockholm Syndrome in the prior message.

      As for time, I’m presently keeping west coast time (in the US) or (-7) time. I try to check my page at least once a day, but sometimes it can be a day or two before I get to it. Busy, busy, busy. Such is life.

  137. shima says:

    hi,i just came by your blog and i feel i can share my current situation with you, i dated this guy (not sure whether thi is a date or just hang out) (he is in the same company as mine but with different location)..we met each other for three times due to different location, and i seriously had so much fun with him..he is a nice guy, not a flirty one thats what i like, he told me earlier that he had a 7 years of relationship but things doesnt go so well, so he is single untill now..the first time we date we went for dinner and movie, and the 2nd dated everything just went so well..and the 3rd dated he did kiss me and i seriously feel nervous but kinda like it..and i started to tell him about my love story since he keep asking me why i am still single like since born! and i told him, i had relationship with my neighbour, but we arent a couple..more or less i can say we just follow the flow and see how things goes..but the thing is me and my neighbour did act like we are couple, we did have sex, and i can say im like a his mistress..i have waited for him for almost 5 years since i was 20 now i am 25, waited for him to take me as his gf or even future wife..i was deeply in love with my neighbour but not anymore, this is a wake up call for me to MOVE ON!so i am moving on and enjoy life..while my neighbour is looking for me since i told him that i give up with this no-guarantee relationship..

  138. shima says:

    continue,since i met this guy (office mate) i totally did get over my neighbour..i was so happy, but on the night we spent (3rd date) i think i did a mistake..maybe i did talk about my neighbour too much, but i dont think i did talk that much, well he sent me to my car coz we dint live together and that was the last time we met and the last kiss from him..the next day, we did chat through communicater in office..but i feel something went wrong, he dont seems excited while chatting with me, not sure due to busy schedule or etc..he is a busy guy (upper manager) i understand that, and yesterday i texted him and yes we chat this and that and i did ask him to meet up, but theres one text from him saying ‘i dont have time now, and i dont have have time to play a games’..i was like numb and reply him ‘i dont get it, what did you mean by games?is it about us?’..then he replied ‘sorry i dint really understand if there was an us, sorry we dont talk like there is an us? if there was an us dont you think we would talk more?’..last time we met, he did say that let see how things goes since i did tell him i am looking for serious relationship not just for sex..and i thought me and him are getting in relationship..the next text from him saying ‘ i dint know how to understand where u were coming from or where we were going?dont get me wrong i did enjoy the time we spent together, and i think you still in love with ur neighbour and did talk about him all the time..

  139. shima says:

    continue, i seriously dont know what happen right now..is he started to dump me or im just the one who over react..everything just went well till we texted yesterday..i did reply him ‘yes, of course theres no us as you mentioned no us means no us’..of course i would rather to say this because this is kinda embarrassing knowing someone just wana be friends with you only but not for love i guess,it was the last sms from him, seriously i wanted to ask him what is going onwith him,what happen to him until he turn up like this, did i do a mistake or etc..but i scared to sms him now, i started to like him and cant deny it,he is way better than my neighbour, he did apreaciate my presence when we have dinner (he dont bother about his handphone), he cant take off his eyes on me, when we have a conversation his eyes on my eyes,we kissed alot, did laugh alot and many more,but we are in the different country and religion, we are in multinational company,i guess that was the reason maybe..sorry, FYI i dont have any bf since i was born,i know but this is true,i lack of experiences and knowledges about relationship, so would you give me some advise about this matter?i think based on what i see here, your good in giving an advises 🙂 looking forward to hear from you soon 🙂 please..im just torn dont know what to do..may god bless you!

    • philosiblog says:

      That was a long series of comments. My first guess is that you might have talked about your neighbor too much. Other than that, there are the usual problems of dating someone within the same company, especially one who is higher ranking than you.

      While I am not sure about how he feels, it might be prudent to wait a few more days and then text him. Ask to see him again, and that you miss him. See how he responds. In the mean time, consider how you can improve yourself. Not with the aim of getting him back, but with the aim of becoming a better, more mature person in the process.

      The first love is always a great thing. Similarly, the first break-up is always the worst. As you become more experienced, things will be a little smoother, a little less traumatic. Stay strong.

  140. Nikki says:

    I will have a read of Stockholm Syndrome. Thanks.
    You must have so many people to reply to?
    What are your views on this. My partner as you know is very physically and emotionally withdrawn but when he has a few drinks he becomes loving and more emotional. Do you believe peoples true feelings come out when drinking or is it nonsense? Ive asked him about this before and he says it gives him confidence.

    • philosiblog says:

      As for your partner and alcohol, it isn’t uncommon for people who are very tightly wound, very much control freaks, or very concerned about their behavior to relax quite a bit when drinking. It helps them stress a little less, and it helps them better express themselves. It isn’t the solution, but it can certainly help them understand that they can get where they want to go, they just need to learn to relax without the drink. No idea how to do that, you will have to find that out on your own.

      As for their ‘true’ feelings, no. I don’t think that is what is happening. What is happening is that they are less tightly controlled, and things that wouldn’t usually be said come out. It may be another side of them, but it isn’t any more the ‘real’ or ‘true’ them than the one who hasn’t been drinking. I hope that made sense.

  141. Nikki says:

    Sort of! Are you saying they are like two people? In this case like a Jeckyll and Hyde (which may I add my partner told me once that he was! but I never took him literally)
    Ive sent him a two text messages suggesting we work at a pace in the relationship that will work for us and asked to meet to talk but to date no reply at all. Im not sure what I should do as I don’t want to push too hard and push him further away but equally I want to try to help him through this and move forwards together.
    Last two times he’s come back is when ive forced a decision from him and said I cant do this anymore.
    Please try to advise what you feel would be the appropriate route from here given his state of mind?

    • philosiblog says:

      No, not like two separate people, but like how sometimes the front of a building has a different look than the side of the building. Same building, just a different look. Or how some people look one way at work, and a different way on the weekends. Same person, just different.

      As for the proper route to take, only you know. I don’t know him well enough to help at this level of detail. I can work in broad strokes, but you’re doing detail work here. Slow and gentle are recommended, but as you have noticed, sometimes he will only respond to a more urgent push. Be careful, but also realize that you are important as well. You can’t live your life solely around him, at the expense of you.

  142. Nikki says:

    Ah ha now I get it.Yes that makes more sense to me.Thanks for that.
    Yes it is difficult for even me to work out what to do as he does seem to switch between one thing and the other. I will leave things as they are for now.
    I’m ok in myself and getting on with my own life as best I can.Its very difficult as there’s this horrid gut wrenching feeling inside a lot of the time. I wish I knew how this was going to end.
    I worry alot about him as im never really sure what his state of mind is. I can only hope that if he gets desperate he will get in touch for help.
    I will keep you posted.
    Thanks again for your time.
    Nikki.

    • philosiblog says:

      There is only one way to know how it will end, and that is to decide to leave. Are you sure you really want to know how it will end? I only bring that up, because words have meaning. Be careful what you wish for, as you just might get it, right?

      Slow is generally good, but too slow can be less than good. But so can too fast. You’ll have to thread that needle on your own, using your own best judgement. But be prepared to forgive yourself if you mess up every once in a while. You’re only human, right?

      • Nikki says:

        No I don’t want to know how it will end then! lol.
        Ok too slow can be less than good but so can too fast.That makes sense but Im now becoming a bit concerned as its been nearly two weeks and theres been no word from him and no sighting of him anywhere in my neighbourhood (he lives nearby) despite my text messages to him. I guess what im asking is how do I know if im fighting a losing battle and not to be doing anything other than walking away and accepting what he’s said? That is the last thing I want to do believe me and I will do anything possible to be with him.I asked you if by all ive told you if you thought he still wanted to be with me and you said yes.What leads you to think this going on this silence from him? What have i got to go on? I don’t want to make a fool of myself and come across as desperate. I hope I have explained myself correctly? sometimes things are hard to put into words. I guess im looking for something to fight for!

      • philosiblog says:

        My only reply is “why are you asking me?” There is one man who knows the answers. It sounds like you are at a crossroads. When you get to the fork in the road, take it! Let him know he’s sending mixed messages, and you need some kind of hint as to how he wishes to proceed. Let him know you are interested, but don’t give him an easy out. My fear is that if you say that you don’t know if you should wait or go on without him, guess what he’ll say?

        As for his silence, he may be hoping to avoid you enough to drive you away. At least if my presumptions are correct. My guess is that he still wants you, but is scared to death of being hurt. Easier to scare (or drive) you away than to face the prospect of being hurt again. It’s a defensive mechanism, very effective, but not very wise, as it tends to lead to an inward spiral.

        As for something worth fighting for, you will have to find it yourself. He may be ready, or he may not. I can’t see from here, you’ll have to figure that out for yourself.

        Also, I find it refreshing that you’re having trouble putting it into words, as true emotions don’t lend themselves to easy explanations. Think of all the movies where the guy is tongue tied, and how cute it can be (if frustrating).

        Why are you concerned about making a fool of yourself? If you truly feel that deeply for him, wouldn’t you do that for him? Perhaps I’m the one confused now…

  143. sammysunga says:

    PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME 😦

    Hi okay so anyways i do agree with ur true love thing. Im only 17 (female) my boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago (he’s also 17 a senior in high school) and Im only a junior. But before we officially broke up, when we first started dating we both knew he’s heading for college. But we still gave each other a chance to be together; our relationship lasted for 5 months. In between those months we loved each other a lot (at least thats what i think i thought); he would tell me he loves me very much etc… as the months go by when he received his college acceptances it kind of depressed me cuz i knew he’s leaving soon but i was still with him. What we had felt so special but by April he didnt exactly spend enough time with me and I asked him why he has suddenly become so distant. He told me he didnt love me as much…he told me he wasnt in love with me. I’m so confused since he would always tell me he loves me ALOT..could it be that he only said that because we both knew the relationship won’t last since he’s going to college? After he broke up with me … we don’t talk as much but we’re still good “friends”. What really surprised me by the end of the school year was that he came up to me and told me he missed me. His voice sounded very sweet just like the time when we were together and I was also astounded by the fact that when we gave each other friendly high fives he sort of caressed my hands and then let go.
    Its been june already and the last time we talked to each other was his graduation day. Ever since then he hasn’t tried talking to me or asking me to hangout. I always see him on facebook taking pictures with his friends on the beach it makes me so depressed. I still love him a lot I can’t believe it; he’s so heartless. To think that I thought he loved me but he never did.

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like he was never yours to begin with, doesn’t it? But be gentle on both yourself and on him. Given your ages, you probably don’t have much experience. What you went through will seem quite mild compared to some of the breakups which you might encounter. I’ve been through a divorce, and that’s just a little more heartless than what you’ve been through.

      Personally, I would focus on remembering the good times, and then move on. You will get what you focus on, and if you focus on the anger, all you will get is angry. Let go, and move on. Stay strong, there’s someone out there, and you will find them, if you keep searching and keep working on becoming the best person you can possibly become.

  144. Nikki says:

    Thank you for your reply once again.
    Im only concerned about making a fool of myself because of my own scars and insecurities from previous relationships. I guess scared of leaving myself wide open.If that makes sense?
    If I could track him down I would ask all these questions but he’s avoiding me like the plague at present. The only thing I can do is perhaps send him a good old fashioned letter but its not the same as face to face as I need questions answered and to see his responses.
    You could well be right about him ignoring me to drive me away as that did cross my mind but how very sad is that if he wants to be with me? This is really pulling at my heart strings as he is such a lovely guy and i know he is the right one for me.yet he doesn’t believe in his self worth..
    What do you mean by ‘Don’t give him an easy out’ ? and what does an inward spiral mean? Sorry im not familiar with these sayings. I asked my mum but she didn’t know for sure either.

    • philosiblog says:

      Sorry for the long delay – transAtlantic messaging can be rough.

      An easy out, in this case, is a simple or quick way to get out of something. In this case, if you give him the choice between (1) facing his fears, risking his heart, and being with you or (2) running away, which do you think is the easy way out for him? Did that make more sense?

      As for an inward spiral, I mean that he will turn inward, alienating friends one by one, until there is no one left who could hurt him. He will turn inward on himself until there is nothing left but him. Kind of like a dog trying to find the best spot to curl up (if you’ve ever seen that happen, sometimes called a ‘hound wound’ – with both words being homophones).

  145. Nikki says:

    Ah I did wonder if it meant easy way out.Yes I have heard of that many times and yes I totally agree with what you have said now you have put it into context.He would definitely run away just as he has.
    As for the inward spiral gosh once again that is so him! He has little what he calls friends and only aquaintances.He never makes plans with friends.Instead will just turn up at the local pub to see them for a short while but doesn’t consider hiself ‘With them’ When he wants to leave he will just disappear without even saying goodbye! I never could quite understand this behaviour.He told me he does it as if he says he’s going home they will keep on at him to stay and he will then feel trapped I suppose. Having said that he is a very friendly person to others.
    He spends most of his time on his own although he has a dog which goes pretty much everywhere with him!! I guess she is the closest to him and he adores her. Then again I suppose she cant hurt him, right?
    Do you think people like this actually like being alone?
    Well you’ve certainly helped me put a lot into perspective and ive done a lot of thinking today and im going to try and track him down somehow and try to talk to him.
    Wish me luck.
    I will let you know what happens.
    Thank you again for your precious time.i think its fab someone is prepared to give up so much of there time to help others and for free!
    You are a marvellous person and great to talk to. Im so glad I found your page!

    • philosiblog says:

      As for actually liking being alone, not really. But it is less painful than being hurt, or the anticipation of being hurt. A dog or a sports team are where you can put unconditional love and not worry about being betrayed.

      I will keep you in my thoughts as you try to find him, and try to reach him.

      As for what I do here, I believe we all have something we can contribute. To not help when we can do so, that is being miserly. And that just won’t do.

      • Nikki says:

        Yes that does make sense about the not liking being alone and the closeness with the dog.
        No luck tracking him down yet but im sill trying.
        What I wanted to ask you about is this elusive behaviour of his. In your opinion do you think this is part of his personality or just come about since his marriage break up? Guess what im asking is does someones personality change that much from childhood? I just have the feeling part of this elusiveness is part of him and how he’s always been but I don’t understand why someone would have always been like that? he’s not had many long term relationships.In fact only 3 including me and his wife.The rest were all casual.The partner before his wife was another quite volatile relationship on the girls side.They were living together and a lot of rows and he just took off and never told her and never went back!

      • philosiblog says:

        The behavior, as far as I understand it, is a reaction to being hurt. I changed when the hurt went away. I don’t know about him, he may be different, or his hurt may be deeper than mine was. That said, he may be so wound up, so scared, so afraid of another relationship (since they all seem to end in pain), he may be avoiding you because he equates relationships to pain. Even if he ‘knows’ better, we’re dealing with emotional responses, not logic.

        Good luck with your attempts to track him down, and stay strong.

  146. ianmay says:

    What you’ve wrote really calms me down from all the emotions that i’ve went through for the past week. She left saying she wants to focus on her career and when she weights her priority, she dont see rls as part of it. it was hard for her to fall in love and she said i touched her heart in the begining. but now, her heart has been walled up. And i’ve decided to focus on myself and my future so that in the future. i do hope we crosses path one day and she come to realise what she felt again…

    It takes alot of courage to let a person go to figure themselve out while being broken.

    • philosiblog says:

      It does take courage to let go. However, it sounds like you’re both strong and courageous. And you appear to have a good idea what you’ll be doing to fill your time, and it doesn’t sound like you’ll be doing much moping about.

      I’m glad my post was able to help you better deal with your situation. Stay strong.

      • Jennifer says:

        Hello,
        I’ve just recently gone through a break up (3weeks ago).
        We had been together for a year and a half and had a generally very smooth, little argumentative relationship. We got on really well throughout our time together and agreed on the majority of things. About 8 months ago, I left for university yet we managed to work through it and at first, we came out stronger than ever.
        However, he stopped putting the effort into the relationship, I would go over every weekend (travel the said 2hours) and spend the time with him. However in the time we spent together at his house, he still lives with his parents, we found ourselves to be a little bored. I put this down completely to the fact that we did nothing ‘exciting’. I tried to persuade him to part take in certain activities with him but his lazy nature just said that he couldn’t be bothered and we had nothing to worry about because we were so deeply in love. (Alas I think we were, we had planned our lives around each other).
        He then proceeded to also apply to university, to follow me and applied close by/closer by. I felt the happiest I had ever felt because I knew that finally, he would have to become more active with me.
        However 3 weeks ago, he (for the first Time in 4 months) said he was going to come visit me at university and spend the day with me. I felt over the moon with excitement because he had never been so spontaneous. He told me he couldn’t do it anymore and that we weren’t compatible as people because we shared different life goals and interests(although his only interests were playing games). He also said the relationship was not as exciting as it was during the initial year and that he doesn’t feel as thrilled to see me and doesn’t miss me as much anymore. He did promise we would stay friends no matter what because he had been my best friend under the sun.
        About a week later, he removed me and all my friends on Facebook. He also stopped replying and said that being friends felt forced and he told me to move on from our relationship and our friendship. It also transpired that he wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore and he did not want the responsibility of being in a relationship(he’s 21). I have tried contacting him, trying to be friends, to converse, with no success.
        I don’t know what to do 😦 I miss him with all my heart and soul and I simply cannot understand why somebody I loved so deeply and who once loved me so deeply too could simply not care to speak to me and not miss me enough to maintain a friendship. I feel betrayed and hurt. I also feel all that we had been through was just a lie on his behalf, although he clearly loved me so much at one point :(.

      • philosiblog says:

        That truly is a sad story. But please realize that people change. While he may have been constantly in your thoughts, you apparently weren’t in his. He appears to have grown apart, despite you trying to stay together.

        It sounds like he has moved on, and that he has changed. He may have felt all those things in the beginning, but (like I mentioned earlier) he may have changed. We all change, and not always in predictable ways.

        The question is “What will you do now?” You do have options. You can sit by the phone and wait for him to call, you can rush out and ask the first person you see to go on a date with you, or any number of paths between those two extremes.

        While you determine how you want to react to that portion of your life without him, you might want to consider what you will do with your future. What will you do with your time? How will you change and grow? It doesn’t have to be random, you can make choices. You mentioned being in school, I would think that is a great way to work on improving yourself.

        My recommendation is to give him some time to figure out what he is doing. In the mean time, work on improving yourself. Both at school, and as a human being. He might come back, he might not. In the mean time, you owe yourself something. Be good to yourself, and be strong.

  147. Nikki says:

    Thank you for your reply.
    I’m starting to wonder if there is more going on with him than I know. I cant say too much on here but could it be possible he has some kind of personality disorder? Or does his behaviour resemble any type of personality disorder?

    The reason I ask is looking back in hindsight at some things he’s to me in past that I’ve shrugged off have suddenly come back to me. Something just doesn’t feel right to me. Call it intuition!

    • philosiblog says:

      It is always a possibility. Take a little time and assess what you know of him, and give your intuition a chance to play out. I have heard intuition described as the other-than-conscious mind noticing things and setting flags to warn you. That said, I doubt either of us are sufficiently trained or qualified to say whether he has a disorder or not. You will have to determine what you feel comfortable doing, and where you will draw the line. Time for introspection, methinks.

      • Nikki says:

        Yes that’s exactly how it feels like red flags going up to put me on my guard! I understand that im not qualified but im sure there’s something! I may well be wrong but I have been reading up on personality disorders since and he seems to fit a lot of the symptoms of ‘Schizoid disorder’ (What do you know of this disorder? ) If this is the case im lost as to what to do next? I can normally track him down somehow or prompt a response out of him by text but for some reason this time round he has gone further into himself. I am concerned if he is okay. Its been 3 weeks with no sighting of him and I don’t remember things ever being this bad with him before.
        Im really sad tonight and desperate to speak to him!

      • philosiblog says:

        Well, we have those red flags for a reason. I have a very vague notion of what a Schizoid is, but (as you mention) neither of us are fit to diagnose.

        He is obviously actively trying to hide, so it might be best to give him some space. Sometimes the act of having someone trying to find you causes you to hide even deeper, and I don’t think that is good for him, regardless of his diagnosis.

        If he is going to be that hard to find, and you are getting uneasy feelings, it might be time to step back and let time sort things out. I don’t know what else to say.

  148. Chas says:

    Hello I am having relationship problems with my girlfriend. We have been dating for 6 months and then all of the sudden she dumped me out of the blue. We are going to the same college and she says she hopes to keep in contact with me. She also says she still has feelings for me and we still talk. She said she dumped me because she felt like she had to mature and that she felt like college would tear us apart. She thought she could not satisfy my needs and she says she needs to find herself and what it means to be her. I thought everything was alright in our relationship but I guess not. It just hurts because it was out of the blue and she is my first serious girlfriend who I care about deeply. I wanted to date her long term but I guess she didn’t feel the same. I am just confused because she says she still has feelings for me, and she wants to stay in contact. I on the other hand dont know if I can be her friend and I have yet to think about the idea of us dating other people. I am just looking for advice.
    Thanks from a confused 18 year old.

    • philosiblog says:

      Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. These things happen, and I just wrote a post on the topic of misunderstanding what someone says when they say they love you (click here to read it).

      At your age, especially with a first love, a breakup can be difficult. Perhaps she needs space, perhaps she is confused with the reactions she is having. Who knows. Perhaps she doesn’t even know.

      I would recommend you still care about her, but back off. If that is difficult, let her know that, and back off to a distance where you are comfortable.

      Now, what will you do with all that extra time? Sit by the phone and wait for her to call? Or can you find something productive to do with your time? My recommendation is to work on improving yourself, becoming a better person in the time you have available. And stay strong. She might come back, or it might not have been meant to be. Time will tell.

      While you are waiting, keep busy. It will help keep your mind off it, and you just might get to be a better person.

  149. Michelle says:

    Hello. I have the same situation and it is complicated. Person seems to be heartbroken from the previous relationships and doesn’t want to have a real relationships anymore.That was the main argument for all of our times together and two times this person left me and came back but pressure still was in between.When nothing changed I broke up but this person would come back again and again.This person always come’s back like there is something to say but in the end it is again nothing.

    In the past times I suggested to breakup because I felt that person needs a space to think if they need me ,or not. They apologized before for the behavior but never would explain “why”.

    Last time they again said that not interested in relationships but still want to be close and I rejected.Is it really that hard to understand if you need someone, or not. Due to my respect to myself i can’t keep that person until they get over the problems that ruins the communication.Does it mean I’m right by rejecting and what could mean when person always come’s back and doesn’t give a chance to forget them completely.

    • philosiblog says:

      First, congratulations for drawing the line and protecting yourself. That is important.

      Yes, it sounds like they have some issues to work out. I think that is the main thing to focus on, not who left who first (or second or third). Life in general, and relationships in particular, are complicated. There are often conflicting emotions, needs and desires. This can cause no end of confusion to the person experiencing them, as well as the people they are with.

      Give them some space and time to figure out who they are and what they want. In the mean time, what will you do? Might I suggest that you work on becoming a better person. Learn something new, try something different, improve something you already do. And stay strong.

  150. Edmund says:

    I’ll be ever grateful to you for sharing the wisdom with the world!

    • philosiblog says:

      Thank you for the kind words. Glad you found this to be of use. If you are interested, there are over 800 other posts you could look at. Pick a key word and search, or search for a phrase or author. Thanks for stopping by.

  151. Nikki says:

    Yes perhaps you are right. I’m at loss to be honest.
    I will step back and see if he appears soon.
    Wish me luck and thank you for all your help.
    Nikki…

  152. Nikki says:

    How funny to read this blog on your website today!

    To keep oneself safe does not mean to bury oneself.

    If you are afraid of being hurt, yet again, by caring for someone, refusing to care and driving everyone away is burying your heart in an attempt to stay safe. You may need to work your way back into relationships, and be protective, but burying yourself will hurt you in other ways, right?

    • philosiblog says:

      Yep. Sometimes comments from the readers stick with me, and make it into other posts.

      But there is another issue to hiding from relationships. That kind of wound requires care from the outside. If all it gets is isolation, it will leave a terrible scar. With the proper ‘treatment,’ it can heal and become nearly invisible.

      That said, you have offered to help, and were rebuffed. At some point, as much as you want to help, you have to realize that you are only making it worse. Are you at that point? That is something only you can answer. In addition, you have yourself to look out for as well. This ‘relationship’ is stressful for you, and may require some recovery on your end. Don’t neglect yourself or your needs.

      • Nikki says:

        No not yet. I don’t feel I am making it worse. What’s tearing me up the most is the way its been done. A mere short text saying ‘sorry for always letting you down’ ‘ I cant do a relationship’ is what you say ‘ an easy out!’ It could be he just cant face me as its too painful but after all we’ve been through together It just feels so so wrong to end it like that and part of me feels its not what he wants or he would be able to face me with it.
        For someone to go to these lengths to avoid someone is very disturbing and sad.
        I cant move on with no real ‘closure’
        I feel like im just going through’ the motions of living’ at the moment. Stuck in a horrible limbo land.
        I don’t know the answer…

      • philosiblog says:

        Unfortunately, there isn’t an answer. You just have to work your way through it.

        As for ‘going through the motions’ – I would recommend that you try to snap out of it. Find something you enjoy, and at least spend some time feeling alive.

  153. strong girl says:

    the hardest thing in the world is loving someone who dose not love u back. it’s so hard to make them love you, when you love somebody and your gonna break up with them cuz u know the don’t love u back at the first you hurt so much cuz you don’t know how to spend your life without them but after awhile you fell like your fine now and you don’t cry for them now you think that ur heart fixed so u think you can date other person, u start dating but after awhile ur gonna break up cuz u see just the bad things in them u do this servler times but its the same all the time its all bcuz theres impty place in ur heart that jut ur one first love can full it, so don’t try so hard instead of this try to get back ur first love.

    • philosiblog says:

      Sorry to hear you had a rough time. Life has cycles, and this cycle will eventually end, and things will get better. Stay strong, and stay true to yourself.

  154. Alan says:

    I am in love with somebody and I know she does not love me. She just had an infatuation, maybe attraction. We had discussions on this. She advised me that it is best for me to stay away, I tried, stayed away but could not somehow. I brought her back, as a friend, but that feeling of love from my side is smothering her I think. Somehow the definition of true love which u stated above as per New Testament, 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses, are not true, from her side. Infact all of them answer in the negative. She thinks I am wrong all the time, I accuse her, I mean I really do not understand why she is so insecure. She even thinks I do not really love her, just flirting with her. I sacrificed my ego for her, not let anything come in between, but just no appreciation on her part. Maybe she’s going to tell stories to other people about how I behaved and stupid it was. I think I should move on, just do not know how to. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

    Regards

    • philosiblog says:

      Love is one of those words which covers far too much territory. What you mean when you say the word and what she meant when she said it are obviously different. At least that is what I gather from your comment.

      Something you probably know, but are overlooking in your discomfort, is that you can’t make someone else do something. Even when you do something for them, if it is a gift, they owe you nothing. If it is a transaction, then is it really love?

      It sounds like she is over you, and won’t be coming back. If she lies about you, it will hurt. The best way to deal with that, in my opinion, is to live a life that shows that she does not speak the truth.

      The question is what will you do? Will you dive straight into a new relationship, and risk making the same mistakes again, or will you take a moment and try to determine what happened? Once you know what happened, you can try to find a way to improve what you do, or how to not do the same thing again. Learn from this experience. Learn from every experience. Improve yourself, and become the best person you can be right now.

  155. Solange B says:

    Hello, I wanted to thank you for your blog and your interpretations. It’s very inspiring.As for this quote, I believe it’s true but when reading all those comments, one thought came up to my mind: it’s easy to say 🙂 As strong girl said:”the hardest thing in the world is loving someone who does not love u back”. I was in that kind of situation. And I let go.It was exactly 10 yrs ago. Today I’m having a relationship with a very valuable man,we have 2 children, everything seems to be fine. It seems to, because it isn’t. It isn’t for me. I don’t love him, I’m with him only for children.And for something I call “self-punishment”.I started this relationship with wrong reasons, because I felt hurt long time ago and I wanted to feel someone can love me. Now i must live in my golden cage till the end of my life. I won’t leave him. It’s not his fault that I don’t love him and it’s not childrens fault that their mother is irresponsible. I’m just existing, not living my life (yes,yes, it’s O.Wilde 😉 ) It’s sad,isn’t it? Anyway, strange thing is that during all those years i haven’t even thought about the other.Then,a couple of weeks ago I met him. Strange feeling.He with his family. It hurts.Still, after all those years. You may ask if I love him? No, I don’t. Today I don’t even like him. What hurts, is that he has life I will never have. I have waisted 10 yrs of my life and will waist the rest of it. My story is for all those who,after breaking up, are looking for the consolation in arms of someone who they don’t love. Please think before you do it. It’s not worth of it. Sorry for my english, I hope you get the point 😉

    • philosiblog says:

      Thank you for the kind words about my blog.

      I am sorry that your story is so sad, but I am glad that you are strong enough to share it with us, so that we might learn from your experience. I am also glad that you are there for the children. That is important as well.

      As for the waste of your time and life, if you have two children, it can’t be a complete waste, right?

      • Solange B says:

        Thank for your reply philosiblog 🙂
        As for your last question: right, I have children, but I can’t live their lives. I have my own life ( or I’d rather say my existence). They are part of it, of course, they are my pride and joy but they are independent.
        Children grow up and go away to live their own lives, that’s normal. We are all alone in our trip. It is said: “life is your road and yours alone.Others may walk with you but no one can walk it for you”. I don’t know who said that, I’ve heard it somewhere. That’s my point: my children are just walking with me. But it’s only for a while.
        I will not bother you anymore, your time is precious, you are busy and there are other people with real problems.
        I wish you all the best
        Thank you so much for taking time to read.

      • philosiblog says:

        It sounds like you are spending a lot of time thinking about the negatives in your life. We all have them. We’ve all made mistakes. Try to learn what you can, and focus on what is left. It might not seem like much, but it’s better than wallowing in pity and weeping bitter tears, right?

        And feel free to bother me. That’s what I’m here for. 8)

  156. Nikki says:

    Hello Philosiblog.
    How are you doing?
    Ok he’s the thing. 5 weeks gone by.Still no sign of him.He lives less than half a mile from me & I normally see him around.
    Last week I met two of his ‘friends’ neither of them had seen him either.So now alarm bells start ringing as he drinks with these guys. no reply from his mobile.I went to his house several times and no answer there although his car is there. I go to his work and wait for him to come out.Nothing!
    Now am I being paranoid or is there cause for concern here? At the end of the day he’s still my friend if nothing else and im worried.
    Surely someone would not go to these extremes to avoid another would they?
    As he lives a very solitude life I would not think many people would worry for sometime.
    He could be ill or extremely depressed going on the circumstances surrounding this.
    What advice would you give?

    • philosiblog says:

      As for paranoia, I think not. Try an old trick and mark where the tires of his car are in chalk. His car may be parked there, but he may be on a trip or staying somewhere else. Just because the car is there doesn’t mean he is as well. If he isn’t there, that would explain many of the other things you mentioned.

      How concerned were his other friends? They may know something you don’t, so you might want to consider how they reacted to the news. They may be covering for him, depending on how well they know him, and how close they are.

      As far as the question regarding what someone might be willing to do to avoid someone else, I could see someone doing this, but they would have to be fairly desperate. If you are truly concerned for his well-being, there is probably a way to ask the police to do a check on the welfare of an individual. I’m not sure what the rules are in your area, or what they will report back, but that is an option.

      I wish you all the best as you try to figure out what is going on, but try to be sensitive to how desperate he may be to avoid you. I have no idea what is going on, but I try to be prepared for as many possibilities as I can.

  157. Nikki says:

    Oh looks like were online the same time.It must be around 3.15am there?
    His friends are not close as I think I mentioned before so they would know nothing and not worry.
    What do you mean by ‘be sensitive to how desperate he may be to avoid me’?

    • philosiblog says:

      Yeah, it’s late here.

      My only concern is that he might actually be trying to hide from you. The more you try, the deeper he hides.

      I don’t think that it is the most likely possibility, my guess is that he is somewhere else, but it’s only a guess. My point was to try to think through each possibility, and what the outcome would be of your next action. Kind of like Hippocrates – “first do no harm” (a loose paraphrase of the actual translation).

      One of the easiest and least obtrusive methods of which I can think would be to send him a post card asking him to simply display it in a window, so that you know he is OK, and see what happens.

  158. Nikki says:

    Gosh I would feel like an ogre if he really was going to them lengths to avoid me.Thats very hurtful if that’s the case.
    I have a few other ideas but I don’t walk to look like a stalker if you know what I mean?

    • philosiblog says:

      Yep, which is why I added the comment about the postcard in my last reply.

      There isn’t enough room to sound stalker-ish, and the signal is easy enough to send, without having to ‘expose’ himself. Does that make sense?

  159. nikki says:

    Yes it does.
    Well I finally managed to get hold of him.We talked and basically he said he could not face me and that’s why he sent the text saying he cant do a relationship.I said that it left me feeling awful and he was wrong to do that and should of told me to my face and explained things.He says he doesn’t want to mess me about by one minute wanting a relationship and then not.I asked why he feels so up and down and he didn’t know.
    I also asked why he never returned any of my texts over the past 5 weeks (and this bit really confused me) he said he deleted them without even reading them so he wouldn’t know what i’d said! Why would someone do that? denial?
    He said he was partly hiding from me to give’ ME’ some space! but also not been going out much as he has some money problems.
    I told him he does not need to hide from me anyway and just to be straight with me.He said he would meet me tomorrow and kissed me goodbye.
    Philosiblog I just don’t understand. The kiss.The meeting tomorrow. Whats it all about. Could it be the case that he’s the one who cant control his feelings when he see’s me?

    • philosiblog says:

      Well, it seems like he has a hard time saying no. So long as he can avoid you, he doesn’t have to try to say no. But if you catch him, he just can’t say no. At least that’s what it looks like to me. As for the rest of it, it sounds mostly like avoidance and rationalizations.

      It sounds like you have one last chance to explain to him what you want, and try to get from him what he is willing to give. But be prepared for him to back-pedal a bit once you have parted. Take a little time, and figure out what your limits are, and what the minimum is which you can accept. If you are going to ‘just be friends’ be prepared to get an agreement on what that means as well.

      I wish you the best of luck in this endeavor. Stay strong, know what you want, and be willing to accept that he isn’t ready. Because he might not be, at least in his mind.

      • nikki says:

        Yes i think you are exactly right.Why would he find it so hard to say no though?
        He met me as planned tonight and things seemed a little tense between us.We only talked general things and not about us.He left and said he’d meet again tomorrow if I was free.No kiss this time!
        Im not sure if im able to be just friends right now.I think im still going through a lot of whats happened in my head and trying to work out what to say and do.Its not easy especially with this tension between us.It getting to be that I now distrust he will show up when he says he will and I found myself preparing myself for another let down.
        To be honest I really still don’t understand.If he really doesn’t feel he can commit to anything why start meeting again? It was his suggestion on both accounts.
        Does he still want to be with me or not.This is whats running through my head.
        Sometimes I think I get so caught up with overthinking that I cant see things very clearly.

      • philosiblog says:

        My guess about the not saying ‘no’ is that he doesn’t want to hurt you, and that he is afraid of the rejection if he says no.

        As for tomorrow, the tension, like happiness, comes from inside. I’m kind of old, and pretty much gave up playing those games. I play my cards face up on the table. Less misunderstanding, but you find out quickly if you have the winning hand. It’s not for everyone, but you might consider being a little more open. A lot of the tension, I believe, is from having avoided the question. It’s still out there, with the power to change your life, and you still don’t know the answer.

        It’s your call, as it is your life to live. What will you do?

  160. Solange B says:

    Haha! Philosiblog, I’m not “wallowing in pity and weeping bitter tears”, don’t worry. And I have no time to think about the negatives in my life because I have two children of 5 and 1 year old. I don’t know if you have children, but if you do, you surely understand what I mean 🙂 Everything I said here was a simple conclusion. The story to share to- maybe- prevent someone to make the same mistake I have made.
    Besides, that’s why I said I didn’t want to bother you: you are helping people with problems.I have no pb. It’s only kind of sad situation I’ve put myself in.And yes, I’m trying to find the solution to change this situation but you know what? There is no way out. I mean there are some solutions but I don’t want to hurt people. The way out for me means hurting man I’m with or our children.Or both. Hmm. So it means I DO have one problem/dilemma: I could try to LIVE MY LIFE but it would hurt people ( I don’t know if I could live with it,knowing me,I couldn’t) or I can stay where I am, not changing anything and watching life slipping between my fingers. For most of people the choice would be easy.Not for me.
    But now my Philosiblog I’m going on 2weeks holiday with my children and a friend and her two children.The seaside in danger! 😀
    Ha! In two weeks’ time you will see me after my friend’s therapy and two weeks spent with four hyperactve children.Ooooops! You’re an engeneer? Good! So you will fix me, ok? 🙂
    BTW Sorry, I if I’m meddlesome but yesterday I thought that working and in the same time helping people here is OK, but you are only human- it must be exhausting 🙂 Do you sleep sometimes? any holidays in plans? You should rest sometimes..
    OK, see you in two weeks

    • philosiblog says:

      Glad to see you have been able to keep your sense of humor (which is a big part of tomorrow’s blog – it won’t be up until about 7 hours from now).

      Yes, I have two kids, now a teen and a pre-teen. It does get easier, if you work with the rules, and remember that their job is to test that the rules are still enforced. 8)

      Yes, I manage to sleep on occasion. And the summer is full of plans. However, I am trying the write-a-book-in-a-month challenge, and not doing so well. But I am learning, so next time I’ll do better.

      As for fixing things, unless you’re a computer, I’m not qualified. I will, however, be here to lend what assistance I can. See you in two weeks! Enjoy yourself.

      • Solange B says:

        Hi Philosiblog 🙂 It’s me again. How are you? Hope fine.
        Me..well, I learned Mr X has a very complicated life, not so happy as I thought. And you know what? It made me feel better. But it made me feel better because I realized what is my real problem and I understood why I felt badly when I met him with his family. You must know that during 34 years of my life, there were only three years which can be described as happy.These are the three years I spent with him. And it seems that subconsciously this chapter still has not been closed and I was waiting..i don’t know..that maybe I would feel the same way someday, somewhere. When I saw him with his family,I figured out it’s over. I mean not the relationship with this guy (it was over long time ago) but the feeling of happiness and peace,those three years.I realized it’s definitively over. OK, I must do something about it. Something with my life.
        Speaking of! I’m after 17 days spent with four children… one with down syndrome, one with some neurological disorders and two my hyperactive children. Can you imagine? a! and you can’t forget my friend crying all day long because her husband left her. Ok..I was a nurse, a babysitter, a psychologist and -in the same time- a mother, an aunt and a friend. But i must say i still love my children, my friend and her children so it wasn’t so bad 🙂
        And I had problems with men. I think I don’t like men right now but they like me too much.They always liked me too much :/ Humpf.I should wear abaya to avoid harassments or what? :D:D aaaa! I’m tired and i need a vacation 8) Please fix me! You may even call me a computer on that purpose 😀
        And one more thing: a-book-in-a-month challenge? and in the same time you are working and writing here? Ok, are you some kind of alien? or maybe your day has 48 hours? haha! (btw what is it about? i mean your book)

      • philosiblog says:

        Well, I’m glad you feel a little better, and that you are coming to grips with what is happening in your life. Take some time and relax a bit.

        As for the book-in-a-month, that didn’t work out so well. As you observed, I just didn’t have the time. However, I hope to keep working on it a little at a time and finish by the end of November. We shall see.

  161. nikki says:

    He is afraid of the rejection if he says no? I don’t understand that as wouldn’t it be me that had been rejected by him?
    I really agree with laying all cards on the table but the problem is his answers are either very vague or what he says today may not apply next week as he changes his mind as in ‘wants a relationship then doesn’t’ So how can I find out if I have the winning hand like this?
    I don’t know the answer to this one?

    • philosiblog says:

      As I recall, he had a history of less than kind relationships. If he expects to be badgered into going out with you, saying no to your face invites the confrontation, or at least the possibility. If he just disappears, he doesn’t have to deal with it, and the emotional rejection of you refusing to take no for an answer. If I mis-remembered, please forgive me.

      As for your hand, it sounds like you’re trying to get him to give you an answer he does not yet have. You may need to give him time. That may also include giving him space. But I think it’s clear that he isn’t ready just yet.

      What direction do you go, if that truly is the case?

  162. nikki says:

    I don’t understand still. Are you saying im trying to force him to see me and not take no for an answer? He’s only seeing me as its what I want? That’s really upsetting.
    Yes he’s had bad relationships.
    Im not trying to get him to give me an answer at all and that’s why I haven’t said anything at all other than he doesn’t need to avoid me even if he doesn’t want a relationship at present. He was the one who suggested meeting up.
    You was the one who mentioned playing your cards face up and finding out quickly if you have the winning hand. That’s when I said I cant do that as he changes his mind.
    If he’s only seeing me as he cant say no to my face but doesn’t want to be with me that is horrible and I wont see him anymore! I hope it doesn’t seem as if I’ve come across clingy now but it was you who said about tracking him down and facing his fears.
    More confused than ever now.

    • philosiblog says:

      No, let me be clear that I am not saying that *I* think you would do that. My postulation, based on what history you related (and my memory) is that he has people in his past who *did* do such things. My guess as to why he rarely says ‘no’ in person is that he has been brow-beaten into changing his mind before. Therefore, it would make sense for him, when attempting to say ‘no’ to avoid you at any and every possible cost. I hope that makes my prior comment a bit more clear.

      Sorry for the confusion. Part of what is difficult is all of the speculation of why he does things. Perhaps that might be an interesting set of question to ask him.

      • nikki says:

        Ok now that makes more sense.Yes it is hard to speculate and I do appreciate that and I also appreciate your valuable input (once ive grasped it! ) I do wonder now if he is only meeting me for that reason being as i was the one who tracked him down but how will I ever know for sure? That is a horrible feeling. we’ve seen each other every night so far but only for an hour each time.Things are a lot less tense now and were talking a lot easier but still only about casual things.Im hoping he is comfortable with this as it really seems to be working. He seems ok with it but he’s very switchable and that has always been half the problem.So I never really know whats he’s thinking.If I ask him he’s vague or will say yes he’s happy like this but then he could change his mind tomorrow and not turn up!
        Yet we still get on so well and have a lovely time in that hour…

      • philosiblog says:

        It might be that all he can handle is a short period of time, and very casual. There is no telling how long it will be before he is ready for more, but if you can handle it, you might want to keep up at that pace for a while and see if he warms up to you a bit more.

  163. nikki says:

    Yes I think your probably right.Im not sure how much longer I can do this but I know if we don’t make it I would of given it all I had.Its all up to him now.
    Thank you so much for listening and replying to so many messages from me.I notice other peoples messages are not so on-going.
    Its helped me understand so many important things talking to you.
    I will definitely let you know how this ends.
    Wish me luck!
    All the best to you and keep up your good and valuable work.
    I think your amazing…..

  164. brenda says:

    Hello, i was hoping you can help me out with my situation. I just brke it off with with my ex about two months ago and still having a hard time getting over him. The reson i broke it off was i was not able to continue this relationship any lnger, b/c he is still separated from his wife. He has been separated for three years and she lives with her boyfriend in another town. They have two kids, one is 19 and the other is 21. We have been seeing each other for about a year. We never hide our relationship from anyone and i have meet his family and friends. When his son graduated in may i had asked him what he plans on doing, he said he plans on getting a divorce but not sure when. He tells me he still oves me, i m very confused. I know i have to let him go, but i think about him all the time. I also met the wife and boyfriend. They seem very happy. I know i should have never started it, espiecially when he told me this upfront. Do i fifight or let go?help

    • philosiblog says:

      What you should do depends very much on what you feel is appropriate. It is very obvious that the marriage is over. Why are they still officially together? Is it for legal or coverage purposes for the kids, until they’re out of school and on their own?

      Ultimately you have to decide what the paper they have which says they are still married means to you. With her having a live-in boyfriend, I doubt they’re getting back together. It is up to you to decide whether you consider the paper declaring him available is more important than his heart. How does that fit in with your moral values, and those of your family, friends, etc? Yes, it would be nice to have a clean slate.

      Have you discussed this with him (either get the divorce or you walk)? It would seem a bit unsportsmanlike to leave without at least giving him a chance. If, however, you have already discussed this and there has been no action on his part, perhaps it’s time for action on your part. Do you cut off all relations with him and write him out of your life, or do you take a smaller step away as a kind of warning, a way if showing him you are serious?

      I know that wasn’t much help, but I hope it helps you think this through.

      • brenda says:

        ok, well the dinner did not pan out . i did suggest lunch or coffe. NO response.

        then i recieved a texted and all he said , was “i was not horrible person, but i guess i do not want to answer to anyone.” that was it.

        not really sure what that meant?I just replied {i hope you are ok then] what eles do i do?? let him go. Right?

      • philosiblog says:

        It sounds like he has made up his mind. I don’t know that there is much else you can do.

  165. brenda says:

    Thank you so much for getting back to me’ i did invite him to dinner’ but all he said was ” i will let you know” that was on the fourth. Not sure what that meant. I know i hurt him. I did tell him that i still loved him. Not sure how he feels about me since we havent seen each other in two months.

    • philosiblog says:

      I don’t know how well you can get feedback from him, but what you do next will have to do with where you think he believes the relationship is.

      If he believes it is over, you’re pretty much done, right?

      If he’s just mad, you’ll have to figure out how long to wait to not make things worse.

      Is there any way to meet him briefly, say for lunch or a coffee at some point? Not something romantic, but something casual? That might be a way of clearing the air and explaining yourself face to face.

      You’re in a tough spot, but you’ll survive. Stay strong, and plan on improving yourself and learning from your experiences, no matter what the outcome of this relationship.

      • brenda says:

        hello not sure if you recieved my email from last night. Computer issues. My question is do i get a hold of him to change it for coffee or lunc, or do i wait for his repsonse for the dinner at my place this week. thank you so much again. have a wonderful day.

      • philosiblog says:

        Yes, I got the question, I just haven’t been as active as I should have been, sorry.

        Each path has benefits and drawbacks.

        Dinner at your place isn’t exactly neutral territory, and he may not be as precise with his answers. However, it’s already scheduled.

        Coffee or lunch is more neutral territory, and he may share his feelings a bit more precisely. However, you have to schedule it.

        One is definitely the path of least resistance. But will it get you the answers you seek?

        I don’t know the answers, but I hope I helped you clarify your questions. Stay strong, you will get through this, no matter what the outcome.

      • B Valentine says:

        Thank you so much, you have helped me a lot, I wish I came to you sooner! I guess better later than never. I’m not really sure what I will be doing. Thanks for all your help! You are really helping a lot of people out.

        To be honest, I have a strong feeling I wont get the answers, but at least I gave it my all. The whole thing stinks. I will be ok, thanks again.

      • philosiblog says:

        Glad I was able to help in some small way.

  166. sam says:

    Above quote is something more like “karma” thing.. if s/he is meant for you then will come back eventually or else not meant to be together.. Couldnt agree more .. but without trying without applying any effort how can we just let go anything.. and letting go loved ones is out of question..
    I had let go my loved one once.. and he never showed up again.. now i regret for letting him go ..instead i would have tried to make things better between us.. i dont know why he dint come back to me .. may be he thought im already with someone else or he found someone else.. its about time and situation for how long we can wait.. what would be consequences eventually .. waiting for someone without any knowledge of his coming back or not could be quite a wait.. so i guess better dont let anyone go.. try harder to make it up if not just let go and dont wait for him to come back.. life goes on ..

    • philosiblog says:

      Perhaps I misunderstand you, but the quote isn’t about randomly letting go of people. If they are trying to leave, then you let go.

      There are two schools of thought on someone who is leaving. One is to fight to keep them. Perhaps once. But if you’re fighting to keep them on a regular basis, you will eventually lose. Which is where the other school of thought applies. You let them go. They will either come back, or not. If you fight to keep them, you will be fighting forever. Is that truly love, or does it become something more sinister over time?

      Yes, life goes on. Stay strong. 8)

  167. green says:

    I see that everyone is sharing his/her story.. well here’s mine..

    This year I met the most wonderful guy I’ve ever seen. He is my first real love.
    I fell in love with him immediately. I never had the guts to tell hem I love him, but I felt that he did love me. I was so happy around him. And he was happy around me. We were best friends, talked all the time etc.
    So 9 months after being best friends and being together every day, he began to show feelings for me. I was never sure, and he wasn’t either. But he told me that he loves me, and I think he does. After all he’s the guy that did so many things for me.
    So a couple of weeks I found out that he flirts with other girls too, which made me feel very insecure about myself. I also found out that he isn’t sure about his feelings. His mood is changing all the time. I never ever chased him, I always waited for him to come to me.. and I still do.
    Now when I found out he was flirting with other girls my heart broke because I thought that he really loved me like I loved him. And I don’t even want to talk with him about this, because I know that it will make him feel bad about himself. We both grew up in a religious family and he was always pretending like he was the perfection itself… this really shocked me, because he wasn’t the person he was showing to me. And I thought I knew him the best. Sigh.
    I can imagine that people only want to show their good sides to a potential love, but it’s wrong to hide things and even lie to someone right?

    At this moment I feel like I’m catched in a cage. I want him sooooo badly but I don’t want to talk to him ever again. I don’t trust him anymore. Thing is that we were never a couple. Just great friends that were sometimes holding hands and saying cheesy stuff to eachother.

    When I found out he flirted with other girls I deleted my facebook-account because I needed some time off. I didn’t want to talk to him for a while to figure out for myself what I have to do. Thing is that he sent me an e-mail right now. And I still didn’t respond because I still didn’t figure out for myself if I should let him go or hold on. I love him like crazy yet I don’t know what to do.
    Can I say that he came back to me just BECAUSE he sent me that mail? I mean, nobody ever sent me a mail.. and I deleted my fb account because I thought that that way he won’t be able to contact me (my number is inactive at this moment).

    I really really don’t know what to do. Not talking to him breaks my heart but I’m pretty sure I will feel like ”the other girl” if I talk to him again. As we come from a religious family, we both don’t want a relationship. So I don’t really know where this all is going. I will respond his mail (or not, I dont know yet) and activate my account when I decide what I will do. It would be nice if you would comment on this.

    • philosiblog says:

      Hiding won’t get you an answer to your questions, will it? Have you talked to him about how his flirting makes you feel? Does he even know it bothers you? Does he know how serious you are about the relationship? You may have hinted, but I don’t think he got the hint. Are you ready to be a bit more direct? You can’t communicate if you don’t meet him.

      Why did he e-mail you? It might be because he didn’t expect your facebook account, and wanted to see what was up. The best way to find out is to ask him. That would be best done face to face, so you can judge his body language and attitude. I think you should consider trying to find somewhere where you can talk to him. Not a date, but a meting. It can be over lunch, or in the early evening, but the focus should be on communication, not on having fun.

      Stay strong, and know that you will get through this, even if the path is a bit bumpy.

      • green says:

        Well actually I even found out that he does want a relationship with me and that he does love me, but he’s just affraid because he doesn’t want to break my heart. Apparently he often leads girls on and plays them up and then when it gets too emotional he walks away. He doesn’t want to do that with me. But it makes me feel that he is a bad person. I don’t know. Problem is that I can’t tell him that I logged in from his facebook account and read a bit of his conversations. Do I even have the right to be angry in the first place? We’re not a couple… He gave me his password for some WEIRD reason ( I still don’t get why he did that) and now I feel like I didn’t respect his privacy. I feel so bad about doing that because now I can’t talk about it with him. I feel guilty.
        He e-mailed me because he wanted to see what’s up, exactly. To be honest I didn’t expect him to do that, I still don’t know if I have to reply or not. It would be good if I could talk to him about this, but I really can’t. So that’s why I thought that letting him go just like this could be the best, but the more I think about it, the more it seems irrational and a bad idea. At least he has to know why I’m taking a distance from the person I used to talk at least 1 hour to every single day.
        Maybe the fact that now he’s moving (leaving the country) is a sign that I have to let him go? He did promise me that we will stay connected and that we will keep in touch… but at this moment, I just don’t know if I want that or not. Thank you so much for listening.

      • philosiblog says:

        That can be a problem with being offered a chance to look behind the curtain. Before using the password, it is wise to consider what you will do with the information you find.

        As for him leaving the country, you will have to physically let go, yes. How well the long-distance relationship goes, that is another story. Some people can make it work, others have trouble. You can always try it and see how it goes.

        Sorry for being so late in responding. It’s been very busy here.

  168. John says:

    I am trying to decide how much or how far I should let someone go. Several months ago I met a sweet girl and we talked for months on the phone, all the while planning for her to come visit me in Hawaii. She came and all the promises she had made and the comfort she felt with me on the phone seemed absent. I felt like she did not love me, though she proclaimed I was the best thing that ever happened in her life and she would never leave me. I believe she has deep emotional issues, possibly RAD if you are familiar with that. She would proclaim great love for me but really show no signs of it: no interest In my interests, very stale lovemaking that she would initiate frequently while proclaiming she enjoyed it but looking like she didn’t, etc. I felt she didn’t love me until I did some research about people who have trouble showing emotion and bonding. With that said, I got frustrated after a month together and felt unloved. She sensed it and asked if I even wanted her to stay the rest of the summer as planned and I said if you don’t love me I don’t care if you stay or go. She packed and left 2 weeks ago. Her general reply now is simply ‘you hurt me’. I rearranged my life for her, told my family and friends about her, showered her with gifts and supported her completely because she has no job. I admit I was acting and feeling distant. I have asked her to forgive me and told her we have limited time before she goes home in mid-August and I want to make it up to her and take care of her. She wont meet me. She wont phone me. She will text me until I start asking about ‘us’ and does she love me and will she forgive me and will she ever come back. I know it might take time but she has a history of this stubbornness of pushing people away. And the problem is she seems to be colder every day. She wont tell me she doesn’t love me. She wont tell me she doesn’t want to see me again. She just says ‘you are bothering me at work’ (a non paying internship) ‘and I have to go’. I do love her and I never got angry with her or told her to leave or hit her or treated her poorly other than displaying feelings of disappointment but she seems unwilling or incapable of forgiving me. I had not dated for 13 years and I have no idea what these things mean coming from a 21 yo young lady. it seems like I have lost her when she won’t even communicate. Any advice would be awesome. thank you for helping us all.

    • John says:

      Also, earlier in the week I asked for forgiveness yet again and told her I Loved her and she said ‘they are just words’ So I asked if you wont tell me where you are living and don’t want me coming to your work how can I show you? She said ‘it should be obvious’ but I don’t have a clue nor does anyone informed of my life with her. Most everyone has told me I already got the answers from her I am asking for I just don’t want to believe them, ie her refusal to talk or discuss anything. This morning I asked her if she was feeling less mad at me or more content in being away. And I told her that she had the power to forgive me and try to save our love or the power to say she doesn’t love me and let me go. She wont respond to either of those and I haven’t messaged her for two days until this morning.

      • philosiblog says:

        It is hard to say what she is going through. I really have no idea how to interpret what she is doing. There is always the chance that she doesn’t really know either. That can make things really messy.

    • philosiblog says:

      Sorry for being so late in responding. It’s been very busy here.

      It’s hard to have a relationship when one half of it won’t communicate. My only suggestion would be to start again with her. How did you first gain her attention? How did you first gain her trust?

      I would also try to determine how much time and effort you are willing to put into trying to recapture her. You need to figure out if she seems to be playing hard to get, or if she truly has walked away. If she is truly gone, there is little you can do, right?

  169. nikki says:

    Hi philosiblog.How are you doing?
    Yes its me again.
    Well the hour meetings continued regular.Then fri eve I was out with a girlfriend and we bumped into him.Anyway we ended spending the rest of the eve together and we had a few to drink and started talking about things.He told me he loved me!! massive massive step for him and im still in shock that he even said it.It wasn’t said in a loving romantic way but more a statement.I had asked him how he really felt about me/us.
    He went on to say his life is so messed up right now and he just doesn’t feel settled at all and this is also why he keeps his distance from me.He said I deserve better than a messed up guy like him as im a nice girl.He said he feels he will continue to be this way with me until things are sorted.God knows when that will be! He said I know if I turn round one day and I see you with someone else he will be sorry and full of regret.
    I don’t know what to do anymore.Im petrified of getting in any deeper incase he leaves me for good but at the same time im crazy about him and want to stay with him.Since fri we have been seeing each other and its been lovely,but for how long?
    What do you think about this situation?

    • philosiblog says:

      Sorry for being so late in responding. It’s been very busy here.

      Welcome to the roller-coaster. That was my love life until I got my life in order. It took a marriage and divorce to get me to focus on myself long enough to get straightened out. I have no way of knowing what it will take to get his attention, and get him to face his fears.

      My recommendation is to enjoy the ride. Take a deep breath, and try not to focus on the future. Just try to live in today, and enjoy what you can, while it is here. (see my post on ‘living in the moment’ for some ideas).

      Nothing lasts forever, for eventually we die. However long it lasts, enjoy it, and have fun. It’s alright to plan for the future, and to anticipate things happening, but do not allow your thoughts to dwell too long in the future, or you will be paralyzed with anxiety. 8) I know, easier said than done. But everything gets easier with practice.

      • Brian says:

        Hello Philosiblog,

        I am facing a very typical situation. I had confessed my love to my girl quite some time back. She was in love with me, but so fearful of commitment. Only 2 days back, we had a fight. Late at night she confessed she was in love with me. Everything was going well. She kept saying about our relationship to her close ones. But all hell broke loose, when she told her parents about it and i got a message from her saying her parents wont approve of me coz she is of a different caste. And she tells me not to contact her coz her mind keeps fluctuating. I am totally clueless what to do next. Is she going to continue like this, coz I want her for my life. She says that she wants me for her life too, but her parents priorities come first. Is this even love on her part?

      • philosiblog says:

        She is facing a familiar obstacle. See Romeo & Juliet as an example. At some point in her life, she will move beyond the immediate reach of her parents and their preferences. Apparently that point has yet to arrive.

        That doesn’t, in my mind, mean it’s time to give up, but it does represent a substantive obstacle. From what you say, it appears she is stuck between her love of you, and her love for (and respect for) her parents. Unfortunately, what it does appear to mean is that there is little you can do until she gets her end sorted out. That doesn’t mean you can’t do anything, but it will certainly be a challenge.

        Stay strong, and always work to improve yourself. If you have some time on your hands while you wait for her, you can spend it sitting by the phone waiting for her to call, or you can use that time to improve yourself. It is always the right time to work towards becoming the best person you can become.

      • nikki